M*A*S*H

Come on, everyone, sing!

Anybody else for a vodkasicle?

No, thanks.

Well, speaking for the British contingent,

Sergeant Barnstable and I have had a smashing Christmas.

Thanks. It's been a real hoot

breakin' bread with you two.

Come back when it's warmer.

Maybe we can break the butter.

Last call for my mouthwatering turkey!

A bird that gave its life

so that others might be ill.

Merry Christmas to you too, sir.

I didn't think the dinner was so bad.

But then, I'm in no condition to judge.

This is my fifth powdered eggnog.

You better lay off. Your stomach will get powder burns.

Much obliged for the gasoline,

or, uh, petrol, as you boys like to put it.

Should keep our generators generating

till tomorrow's shipment.

Just consider it our Christmas present.

Well, we'd best be off.

Yes, we don't want to be late, do we?

After all, it's Boxing Day tomorrow, isn't it?

Boxing Day? Who's fighting?

Absolutely no one.

See, Klinger, in England,

a country of which you may or may not have heard,

the day after Christmas is called Boxing Day.

It is the custom for the masters

and the servants of the manor to trade places.

And in the case of the military,

the officers trade jobs with the other ranks,

uh, your enlisted men, for a day.

Hey, that's my kind of tradition.

The only British tradition

that's harder to swallow than mutton. No offense.

Does wonders for the morale in our unit,

especially this time of year

with the lads being so far away from home.

From the long faces I see around here,

you could do worse than to consider Boxing Day yourselves.

Well, cheerio. Sergeant.

Good luck, sir. Fantastic.

You know, Major, those are the kind of ideas

that keep the sun from setting on your umpire.

How quaint. Well, thanks very much.

Tata. Ta.

How about it, Colonel? I don't know.

I'm a little gunshy of any tradition that hasn't been done before.

If I'm not overstepping my underlingness,

what you're gunshy of is giving up

your cushytushy job.

Cushytushy, my youknowwhat.

I got the toughest job in this whole camp.

Chock full of heavy responsibilities, big decisions.

Sure, like whether to nap in your tent or your office

or whether to read Zane Grey

or listen to Tex Ritter records, or

Or whether or not to bust an insubordinate clerk.

Nothing personal, sir.

Would you boys

step over here for a minute?

Come on. The weather is better over here anyway.

Sit down. Sit down. Thank you very much.

Klinger, there are those who are meant to be led,

and there are those who are meant to lead.

Which just goes to prove that this Boxing Day idea is absurd.

Is that so?

Of course. Once the lower classes

have even a sniff of the good life,

it's so hard to reconcile them to their proper place again.

You know something, Winchester?

Any idea you hate that bad

must be worth serious consideration.

What do you boys think?

Trading places could be fun.

Trading places?

And a Christian gesture at that.

Not unlike Christ washing the feet of the apostles.

I'll trade places with anybody who isn't sober.

I'm not washin' anybody's feet.

One salient point I think you've overlooked

This is a medical unit.

Having a man from the motor pool operate

on a patient could be rather impractical.

Winchester, just how short of smarts do you think I am?

We've got a Christmas truce on

and only a couple of patients in postop.

If you'll excuse me, doctor,

I'd like to get a couple of other opinions

on this matter.

Folks, if you can hear me

over the sound of your chattering teeth,

I'd like to ask you a question.

It seems that the British have a tradition

whereon the officers trade places

with the enlisted personnel.

Now, how would you feel

if we did the very same thing

at the 40double7?

All opposed?

Thank you. Well, folks,

I think you've made your feelings pretty clear to me.

And so, as my Christmas present to you, we'll do it.

As my last official act

as temporarily deposed monarch,

I hereby appoint Maxwell Q. Klinger

as official reigning C. O. of the 4077,

which makes me your new company clerk.

I can't believe you're actually gonna trade places with this jerk.

You heard these people. This is gonna be great for morale.

I think it's a ridiculous idea.

Shh. We're about to hear from the commanding jerk.

All right, listen up. Listen up.

First of all, I want to thank

our great and benevolent former leader

for bestowing on me the mantle of leadership.

I want all my loyal subjects to be rest assured

that I will not let this go to my head.

I will be fair but firm.

Enough of this baloney!

So who's trading with who? Yeah!

Well, Colonel Corporal?

I'll have that decision, uh, first thing in the morning.

Hey! I've made my first decision!

Merry Boxing Day! Rise and shiver!

Another fantasy interruptus.

I was just about to undo the first snap on her parka.

Klinger's called a meeting in my

uh, his office in 10 minutes.

A Winchester only recognizes one 5:30 per day.

This is not it.

Klinger figures if he's gonna be colonel for a day,

he wants the day to last as long as possible.

I'm not goin' anywhere until somebody

takes this tennis ball out of my mouth.

We were all drunk. You're not gonna hold us

to what we said last night.

It still is last night.

Sorry, boys, but I gave my word.

This ain't no picnic for me either, you know.

Last time I was up this early,

it was to sit on a milking stool

and grab me a handful of Bossie.

If your fingers were as cold as mine are now,

that cow would have jumped over the moon.

Let's go, boys! Let's go! Meeting in 10 minutes!

I'm sorry. I know it's early,

but I wanted to get a good jump on the day.

Up, up!

Now then, gentlemen, I'm not gonna lie to you.

There's a war on.

Wake up, Hawk. There's a war on.

So, gentlemen,

here are your assignments.

Your clipboard, sir.

Hey, I think I'm gonna like this.

Thank you, Colonel.

Call me Corporal, Colonel.

Thank you, Potter.

Now, we all know what goofoffs

Doctors Pierce and Hunnicutt can be

when they're together.

The man was born to command.

And I think it would be for the best

if you two were split up.

Former Captain Pierce, you'll be an orderly

along with former Father Mulcahy.

An orderly. That's a job I can do in my sleep.

And I'm going to.

You'll both report

to current head nurse Nakahara.

I'm sure she can use some help with the cleanup detail.

Oh, nice. Godliness will be next to cleanliness.

Former Captain Hunnicutt,

you will be on K. P. with former Major Houlihan.

K.P.? I didn't go into a kitchen when I was married!

I'll watch. You dry.

And that brings us

to Major Charles Emerson Winchester, the private.

Yo.

As our resident gourmet and lover of good food,

you will serve as aide de chow

for our head cook, Major Salvatore Pernelli.

Ah! This will be a rare pleasure.

Pleasure? For him.

This honor graduate

of the school of Cordon Grease.

Let me get this straight. I'll be commanding him?

Exactly. Ah. (giggles)

It'll be worth a 24hour demotion

if only to teach you

that soup is not a solid object.

Gentlemen, that's all I have. Dismissed.

I have taken the liberty of planning an evening repast

the likes of which