Last Man Standing

Morning, everybody.

Oh.

Green is not the color for breakfast.

Unless you're Dr. Seuss.

Well, will I drink it in a box?

Will I drink it with a fox?

How about you drink it alone in the garage?

Behind a shelf, all by yourself.

Dad, there's bacon and eggs over here.

Bacon and eggs... I am in.

So, let's talk about our Halloween party.

I'm out.

Mike, for the last three years you have said,

"Let's not have a party. We'll do it next year."

Well, it sounds like we have a good thing going.

Let's do that.

No, come on... I-I'll even use the fancy 2% raise

the teachers' union just won to pay for the party.

Listen, I will give you a 4% raise not to do it.

Why? Dad, our Halloween parties are always so much fun.

Really?

Let's all recall the party your mom had us dress up as the Seven Dwarves.

Well, listen, I had to be Grumpy.

It was the stupidest Halloween ever.

But I got to be Snow White, because I look like this.

And a bird did land on my hand.

You know, maybe this is the year you finally go for my serial-killer theme.

That can be scary.

Ah, you've been pitching that idea since you were three.

That is scary. We're adults.

I don't think we should do these dress-up parties anymore.

No, no... You're not getting out of it.

Look, just think of it as a... as a family dinner

where we're all dressed up as... superheroes!

- No. - Superhero... no.

Since you don't like any of our ideas, why don't you come up with one?

Yeah, you're supposed to be the marketing genius.

You pitch something.

All right, picture this...

A dark house...

A single light glows in the kitchen.

A handsome man walks into the kitchen, puts the light out.

You hear a creaking of steps as he goes upstairs,

goes into his room, lays down.

When he wakes up... it's November!

Oh, I get it. I get it. I get it.

He's all alone in the house,

because the family found a new daddy who keeps his promises.

We're having this party, Mike, and you are planning it.

Why do I have to do everything.

And what is this new daddy gonna do?

All right, Mikey, come on...

...heading for lunch.

Now that Ed's let the cat out of the bag, I guess you're invited.

Listen, I'm racking my brain trying to

come up with a theme for my family's Halloween party.

- I got a fun one. - I don't want a fun one.

I want a bad one so bad they'll never do this Halloween party again.

You're an awful man.

And yet people keep inviting me to parties.

I don't. I don't even want you at lunch.

I'm with you on killing Halloween.

You know what ruined it for me last year?

- Hey, guys! - This jackass.

Tell them about the costume you wore on Halloween.

- Oh, when I was you? - Mm-hmm.

"I've never been so insulted in my life."

That was hilarious.

"Now get the hell back to work, Kyle."

Okay!

Little costume really got under your skin, didn't it?

Nobody likes to be impersonated.

It's why Rich Little is despised.

I don't know, Ed.

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Oh, why don't you show Mike your impersonation of him then?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

This gives me an idea for a great theme.

My family wants a theme, I've got the theme... my family.

They'll dress like each other, act like each other,

and if I play my cards right, they're gonna end up hating each other.

When I said you were an awful man,

did I say "The most awful"? Because I meant the most awful.

Just relax. They'll stop hating each other once they take the costumes off,

but they'll never stop hating Halloween.

Okay, okay. Well, who is gonna be who?

- Natural enemies. - Hmm.

Eve will Mandy, Mandy will be Eve.

Ryan and Kristin will be each other.

My, God. It's gonna be a blood bath.

Ryan and Kristin aren't natural enemies.

They're married.

Fighting the urge to tell our spouse what we really feel about them

is what couples mistakenly call "love."

Baxter, that is...

Okay, that's true.

So, you're gonna be Vanessa and Vanessa will be you?

No. I can't be Vanessa. She's too nice.

Plus I... I can't walk in heels.

The trick is to keep the weight on your toes.

Come on.

What I need for Vanessa is somebody so nice it's annoying.

I need... -I brought you guys cupcakes.

...this jackass.

I'm not crazy about the new nickname, guys.

Hey, Mom!

Ryan and I are here!

Hide the meat, you barbarians.

Be right there!

Every time I look at you, I start laughing.

This is a great idea your dad...

I know, I know! You look so great, too!

I mean, you went a little overboard with the breasts.

It's like no matter what I do, one always just seems like it's smaller.

Oh, hey, it's my little sister Eve!

Sure, lame, whatever.

Grumble, grumble. Complain.

Oh, my God!

I say this as a fashion designer...

Ryan, you are rocking that tunic.

- The boobs are a little much. - The boobs are a lot much.

Mandy, come on! You're always late!

The party's starting... grumble, grumble, complain.

Here I am, everyone.

You're welcome.

You look so glamorous.

I'm sorry, are there times I don't look glamorous?

Why is one bigger?

Hey, everybody.

Sorry I'm late.

I stopped to talk to a butterfly.

Where's Dad?

Uh, I don't know.

He's been working on his costume in the garage all afternoon.

Who's he gonna be?

There's no one left in the family.

We're here to make Halloween great again.

I'll do it quickly.

It'll be amazing.

Uh, I don't get it, Dad.

We're all dressed like family, and you're dressed like Trump?

Mm.

Trump is like family to me, believe me.

He's got my aunt's hair and my grandmother's hatred of foreigners.

I love whatever you say and agree with it, Mr. B.

Thank you, Kyle.

You must hate this costume, huh?

Uh, are you kidding me? I love that costume.

The guy single-handedly destroyed his own party.

Why would anyone destroy their own party?

You know, I am so glad we did this.

This is already so much fun.

We're just getting started.

Look at that... Mandy Baxter, Mandy Baxter.

How beautiful you are.

You know, beauty is the only thing that counts.

Thank you, Mr. Trump.

I was in a bit of a hurry, so it only took me eight hours to get ready.

Well, I'm always ready.

I put on this outfit in the seventh grade, and I've never changed out of it.

That's funny and mean... my favorite kind of funny.

I laugh when I put on makeup, because clowns are funny.

I never laugh. It interferes with my moping.

But let me try.

Ha.

Ha.

No. Never mind. It burns.

Come on, Mr. B and all the little Bs.

Let's play a game

where we're all super nice and the winner is everybody.

Yeah, I'm with Kyle.

Let's all just have fun!

I'm surprised you're here, Ryan.

I know you don't like Halloween.

Oh, you know, Halloween used to be a beautiful pagan holiday,

till it was taken over by Big Sugar.

Big Sugar is not a joke, Kristin.

But I guess I would know that if I read

any of the books my husband brought home for me to read.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You're right.

My wife should, like, you know, work less and read more.

Oh, but wait. Then we'd starve.

All right, okay.

Everybody, everybody... hang on, hang on.

This is Mom for a second. Um, listen... Let's...

Let's not take any of this personally, okay?

Where's my Chardonnay?

Oh, my God.

How long do I have to whine before I can get some wine?

Mrs. B makes a lot of puns,

and they're really hard to come up with, so I have some cards...

to help me be a card.

Wow.

You never looked better, Vanessa.

He looks like the woman at the hardware store who makes keys.

Thanks, Mr. B.

Mandy told me to wear something called SPANX.

I don't wear SPANX... that often.

Come on, Mom.