Moone Boy

To the untrained eye this may look like just another bungalow. But to the Moones it was home.

A fitting home, a tight fitting, ill-fitting home that fit neither man nor beast nor donkey.

Get up, Martin. The donkey's loose again.

Aw, balls.

Martin's mule, who he'd imaginatively christened Donkey Kong,

was the latest addition to the Moone home.

Since his dad was too flippin' lazy to build a stable, or even dig a decent donkey-pit,

Martin's trusty steed had gotten into the bad habit of wandering off.

Have you seen this donkey, mister? No, I haven't,

but I could do you a good deal on a blind goat?

No, thanks. No? Your loss.

Whoa, how good a deal? How...

We've been looking for ages, Sean. We're never gonna find Donkey Kong.

No, and you're absolutely sure that's not him over there?

"Well, it looks like me."

Oh, yeah, that's him. Yeah.

Another successful donkey hunt.

The other big change at home was Fidelma, Dessie and Baby Rose had finally spread their wings

and made a new nest of their very own in Dessie's mother's house.

It's so weird not having them here anymore, isn't it?

The place is so quiet. And fragrant.

Remember when Dessie started playing his Casio at breakfast

and Dad threw a spoon at him?

It's his tears I miss the most.

D'you remember when Sinead stole one of Fidelma's rashers

and she threw that hot tea in her face? Oh, yeah. Agh.

Aw, good times.

We're baaa-ack!

Any nappies around, Mam? It's like a poo fountain down there today.

Is this toast going spare? Cheers, bro.

D'you remember how great it was

when we were all quietly remembering things?

God, it smells so good in here.

Ah, the little dote finally soiled herself to sleep.

Thanks, Mam. How are those rashers lookin', Dad?

Turning them now, love. Nice and crispy, yeah?

But medium crispy for me, please, Daddio.

Are you sure you gave it a proper chance at Dessie's mam's?

You were only there a week.

I don't know what the problem was. I thought things were going great.

Well, Marie is lovely... The loveliest.

But she's just not really a baby person.

Mrs Dolan. Are you using my breast pump as a dust-buster?

Well, I'm hardly going to use it as a breast pump, now am I?

Those rivers have long run dry.

Wait... Where's Rose?

Oh, she said she's having a nice bed.

Aw!

Why aren't you with her? I don't need her bed.

Here, Martin, you're live on POD News.

Any response to the rumours you're a big eejit? No comment.

Whoa! Hi, Padraic! Best birthday present ever, huh?

Wasn't it your birthday three weeks ago?

It was, but whenever my parents are fighting and forget it's my birthday

or I live with them or whatever, I always get great presents.

God, I wish my parents hated each other. Yeah, nothing beats a good old "guilt gift".

Whoa. I'm on TV! "Who's bringing the horse to France?" "What ya talkin' about, Willis?"

I'm not great at accents. "Shut up, you slag."

Whoa, missed a spot there, Daddy Moone.

You're sure you wouldn't be more comfortable inside, no?

Well, Fidelma's feeding Rose and I don't like to be in

the same building when she's, you know,

"juicing her bosom".

Listen, Dessie. It's lovely having you all here.

With all of us. Oh, you're welcome, Liam.

But, have you put any thought into long-term living arrangements?

Well, obviously, I've already asked Father Linehan,

but he seems a bit reluctant after the whole "Godfather" debacle.

And now the godparents will take their vows.

Do you renounce Satan?

Yes, I do. I suppose.

Do you believe in God the Father, creator of Heaven and Earth?

Yes, I do. Not really.

That's why I became a priest.

Tonight, on Watercolouring With Walter,

we will be doing seascapes, lake-scapes, and puddle-scapes.

Yes! Do we have to watch this rubbish? Shh!

Let your father watch his terrible programme.

If we switch over, we may catch the end of the Angelus. We are not switching over!

Even Rose doesn't like this muck.

Blob-alob-a-lob. Blob-alob-a-lob.

I think she's peckish. Does anyone have you any peanuts?

Or a chewing gum?

# Little donkey, little donkey...

# On your dusty road... The wonder of nature.

Oi! Forget it!

I'll just continue to go through life painting lacklustre lakes.

Argh!

Priests are so stupid.

Cycling is hard. Yeah.

Well, what a bunch of big flippin' eejits we framed there.

Now, look, if you send your films to us,

we'll pay you 250 quid for every one that we show.

So, please, get them in. There's only 300 video cameras in Ireland

and we don't want to be showing the same film again and again.

I'm only joking. That'll never happen.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking, buddy? Sure am.

I better go change that lightbulb in my bedroom. No, no, wait. Just...

Keep thinking for a second.

Moo!

No.

Don't rush it.

That's just a shoe. Be a little less stupid...

Wait. Wait.

Hold. Hold.

Wait a second.

There it is.

Have a look at these two. These'll make you laugh.

It's a child falling off a bicycle and a priest stumbling at the altar.

Are you alright, Dad?

Fidelma, look. I love you, I truly do,

and it's lovely having you all here,

but d'you know what'd be even better?

Having you someplace else. What's happened, Liam?

Come in! Ah. How are you, Liam? Be done in a jiffy.

Why did you say come in? Ah, because you knocked.

I've been trying to get him out of that habit.

Look, you're a family now, you should have your own space.

Yeah, with locks, or clothes. Or both.

Maybe we could convert Dad's workshop -

Maybe you could have protected sex!

Wait. Could they not use Granddad's house now he's in the nursing home?

Pfft. I don't know. We wouldn't even have to tell him.

He wears the only key around his neck. And he's a light sleeper.

Maybe you could bring the baby to see him, try and talk him round.

That house would be perfect, Dad.

And I'd say the bats have migrated by now. The bats?

A bit of a clean and it'll be grand.

I'm not sure Dad will go for it. He's a bit set in his ways. Ah, aren't we all?

We talked about locking the bathroom, haven't we, Dessie?

Mammy always says, "Keep your heart and your doors open to Jesus."

OK, but why so naked?

Ah, well, the thing is, Debra, I was doing a number two.

We'll call Granddad in the morning.

Yeah, yeah, definitely a baby. It's a new Moone, Granddad.

And what age is Martin now? Erm... Rose is six months.

Her birthday will always help me remember the wedding anniversary.

Oh, you got married? I can't seem to remember that.

Well, you were there. We definitely didn't... forget to invite you.

Oh, right.

Had I have a good time?

You were the life and soul of the place.

Well, I am a great craic. The nurses have all been saying

what a terrific addition to this place you are.

Ah, sure, they're awful liars. And thieves.

So, er, Granddad, we were thinking, maybe, while you're here,

we might use your place.

Oh. Right. Well, that seems fine.

Only thing is, I'm not sure any other babies live here.

No, Papa Moone, we're talking about your house.

Oh, right. Let me get this straight.

You want me to move back into my old house so ye can live here?

No, no, we were hoping we could live in your house, and you'd just...

..stay here. Stay here. Then I'd have no house.

It's just, we're all at Mam and Dad's and it's so full of people...

I've always said, there's nothing better than being around family.

But, the thing is... You better go, family time is over.

Meanwhile, in Boylewood...

Got a nice wide shot here, boss. It's a lovely light.

Great. Now all we need is some kind of hilarious accident to happen. Here we go. This'll be priceless.

OK, you've got to concentrate. Keep your centre. Atta girl.

Terrific. How do you feel? Great.

Oh, balls.

C'mon, gravity, do your thing.

It's weird, because he's usually so unstable.

A priest! Oh, please fall or faint or fart or something.

Oh, God.

Ah, balls.

Come on. Maybe we should just try and fake it?

Fake a funny accident? Wouldn't that be cheating?

Well, yeah, but for £250. Yes, of course.

God, I nearly forgot about the money. Let's fake it! Yeah!

Let's Milli Vanilli this! Ah!

The addition of the Dolan clan to the Moone house gave the young Moones