Bonekickers

Oh, God, you can see it in his eyes - jobsworth.

He'll be on our backs like a rutting grizzly.

On the up-side, there's a decent pub opposite. So that's lunch sorted.

Morning.

Morning.

This is what we found.

Be reasonable, gents, we're putting up homes for people, now.

That matters more than a bit of history.

Do you know what history is mate?

It's layers.

The Romans make a layer.

The Saxons, the medievals, Georgians, Victorians,

Your mom, my mom,

But these days layers require forms

to show you're not building upon previous layers.

So we have to take a peek...at the layers.

The layers.

And if there's nothing down there?

There's always something down there.

We have a mystery.

Wow!

Dirham. 14th century.

What the hell's a Middle Eastern coin doing in a park in Somerset?

So, what do you want to do, Gillian?

Well, we have a medieval riddle to solve.

So we start digging.

Cheers.

Hey, excuse me,

excuse me, can you not, can you not do that please?

What?

Either get in the trench or stand away,

but don't teeter on the edge, it erodes the section edge.

What are you, one of the Year 2s?

I'm Vivienne Davis.

I applied?

Oh, yes, yeah, gotcha.

Ben Ergha. Nice to meet you, Vivienne.

Viv. just Viv.

We found evidence of military equipment, right here,

and we've no idea whether it's a sword-smithy or even a battle.

Map regression dates back to the 13th century

and there's nothing to suggest a battle was fought here.

Faith is a virtue.

Faith is the gunpowder of humanity.

Sack God, replace him with the Tooth Fairy, I say.

Oh, Viv, Professor Gregory Parton.

Think of him as Google with a beer-gut.

Call me Dolly.

Well, hello Dolly!

Nice smile, inspirational chest.

- Post-grad? - Durham.

Builders found it.

That's why we were called.

Assigned to the Sultan of Mamluk.

The Mamluk Turks occupied jerusalem when the Christians were kicked out in 1291,

when the Crusades went tits up.

What's it doing here?

We have no idea.

But the answer lies under that ground.

Who's that trip-trapping over my bridge?

Er, Viv.

Vivienne Davis.

Vivienne? The witch of Arthurian legend.

Damascene steel.

Sword metal.

Found beside Saracen coinage?

But they couldn't have been fighting Saracens here!

That's just nuts!

Come on, give up your secrets.

Grub's up, my darling.

I've got the data!

It's right there!

They're people!

Bodies... under there.

Better sink another trench, then.

Everyone, come and check this out.

Oh, my God.

You beauties.

Hacked to death!

They were hacked to death!

Bloody gorgeous!

So who were they?

Use your archaeological imagination.

This wasn't a couple of peasants having a scrap over a bit of skirt.

No. It appears to be a skirmish

between professional soldiers and the Turks!

Here in the heart of England.

2,000 miles away from the Crusades.

There's no record of any battles here

between the Roman occupation and Cromwell.

He's right. This is re-writing-the-books stuff.

Oh gee, we have to show our faces at that faculty thing.

Pull a sickie.

I'll have the finds packed up. We can get straight back?.

Can you give me something to do?

Talk to my butt.

I can help.

Vivienne, pretty young intern person.

When I'm impressed with you, I will ask for your help.

Now, I have to go and put on a frock.

Tanya can show you how we catalogue.

It's a variation on Pitt Rivers' Techniques of Classification...

And Typology.

You've got it. Everything packed in acid-free tissue.

You OK?

How am I going to impress her?

You'll think of something.

We all had to.

As your new Head of Archaeology,

can I balance an academic commitment

with being a media sensation?

There are benefits, 2% of profits from my latest book

will be ploughed directly into this department!

Soon to be a Channel Five series.

One drink and we're leaving.

Patients can't stop talking about it.

It's exciting.

Are they really soldiers?

Either stand in the site or away from it, but not on the edge.

- Sorry. - Sorry.

I'm Helena. I work at the hospice.

Anyway... Sorry.

Look at this.

Soldiers put nails in the soles to get a better grip in battle.

See?

Is that the other sandal there?

Do you want to give me a hand?

Yeah, OK.

OK, after three. One, two, three.

Oh, look at your finger.

Oh, it's just a splinter.

Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you.

Get yourself a manicure?.

I can't help it,?, I'm just a grubby wee digger.

Yes, what is it you've found that the local hacks are buzzing about?

medieval soldiers. Slain in combat.

Yes, well, with military finds best to start

with weapon identification.

Analyse your sword sections.

Well, with your permission, I'll get on it now.

Well, take a copy of the book.

Sex Rites Of The Ancients. Nice title.

From Aztec nuptials to the virgin molestations of Caligula.

Antiquity with titties and front-bottoms.

I read your last one, Napoleon Goes A-Bonking.

I merely outline a common truth,

that history runs on the twin motors of human behaviour -

sex and greed.

You're not shy in splashing yourself about.

But not for money Daniel.

There's a name for someone who does that.

Your know your mother would never have exchanged such cheap barbs.

Too sure of her brilliance.

How is she? Any change?

- So can we go now? - Yes.

He's gotten to you already? Is that a record?

- Come on. - Oh.

Well, I hate to say it, but Mastiff was right.

Now, look at that hilt, it's not from Europe at all.

Well, that makes sense

because a European broad sword could not administer that wound.

No, and I printed up a list of possibilities, look.

Middle Eastern scimitar.

In the middle of the English countryside?

That doesn't make any sense at all.

Hold the front page.

I've got the carbon-14 dating on the bone collagen.

Our soldiers fell between 1300 and 1320.

Hmmm.

Oh, this is more like it.

The ionisation from the chain-mail preserved it.

Looks like your classic Z- spun medieval cotton.

Let's clean it up and see what it looks like under UV.

Looks like we've found the identity of our guys.

Knights Templar.

James, if you want to get better, then you need to keep drinking.

Come on, stay in bed until the temperature comes down.

Come on.

When we were little boys, Colm...

what did the Brothers tell us?

That our founders were betrayed by those they had protected.

That our temple founders were butchered.

Butchered by the enemies of Christ.

I've just been down the court house.

Brother Laygass has been acquitted.

Mr Laygass, will Ofcom choose to close down your TV show?

Well, I go out on a niche Christian channel so...

You've been denounced by the Archbishop of Canterbury.

You said that this country is now at war for its Christian soul.

Well, what I've said is that the day is coming

when St Paul's Cathedral will be the Grand Mosque of London, yes.

But do your supporters advocate violence against non-Christians?

You are missing the use of the simile in one of my favourite hymns.

It's Onward Christian soldiers, marching AS to war.

With the Cross of Jesus going on before.

What about the allegations linking you

with the recent hate crimes against Muslims,??

- Mr.? - Any comment?

Are we talking about THE Knights Templar?