Teachers

Alexander Hamilton was one of the Founding Fathers

- of the United States. -

Hello? Yes, this is she.

No, I'm not doing anything important.

He was the first Secretary of the Treasury.

Ashley, what are the rules?

No talking when Ms. Snap is on a personal call.

Now what was that?

I won the Golden Pencil Teaching Award?

Are you effing serious?

Oh, my God, this must be what if feels like

to win the First Impression rose.

Uh, yes, yes, I am still here.

What about my report on Alexander Hamilton?

Ashley, Ms. Snap just won

the highest teaching honor in the world.

No one cares about some dead guy who wrote a musical.

I am amazing!

Congratulations again on this incredible honor, Ms. Snap.

And that, my little duderinos,

is how you pull off an epic April Fools prank.

But you didn't say, "April Fools."

Patience, young Rodney. Ms. F. likes her pranks

like her Taco Bell Smothered Burritos.

She lets 'em marinate for awhile.

Whoo!

See? Marinating.

Feldman, your April Fools jokes are so bogus.

You need to tell Chelsea the truth.

She's gonna think she's good at her job,

and that's just not fair to her students.

That would ruin it.

Be like giving away the ending of "The Sixth Sense,"

you know, that Bruce Willis is a pedophile.

He's not a pedophile. He's dead.

Oh...

Oh, that's why his wife won't talk to him.

Everybody, shut up!

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I present to you the beautiful and the bold,

the bold and the beautiful, my best friend...

- Oh, my God. - Okay.

I won the Golden Pencil Award. I'm so excited.

I am taking out a full-page congratulations ad

in "The Chicagoland Gazette."

That costs a lot of money.

Yeah, you might wanna pump the brakes on...

Good morning!

Oh, good, I'm so glad you're all here.

I have some exciting news to share.

It has been 767 days

and nearly as many tear-filled nights

since I've been able to say this, but...

I have a boyfriend!

- - Oh, my God, get it, girl!

It feels so good to say that again.

Who's the lucky fella?

- Toby. -

- Wait, what? - Principal Pearson?

- Mm-hmm. - Are you serious?

I know it may come as a shock,

but we both have been spending a lot of time together,

and we really like each other.

Dude, no offense,

but I didn't even know that guy had a dick.

It doesn't matter if Toby has a dick or not.

Caroline, we're all really happy for you.

Thank you.

I normally wouldn't kiss and tell,

but this feels selfish to only share with my diary.

It is the most amazing sex I have ever had.

He's incredible.

This morning, he literally banged my headband right off.

- Oh, no, God, stop. - Holy balls.

Good morning, ladies.

How are you all doing today?

Lovely day outside, isn't it?

All right then.

- Caroline... - Hm?

You left this in the backseat of my Subaru.

Thank you.

What's he doing with my classroom?

Jerk.

Hey, dude, before you spend all that money on an ad,

I gotta take a truth dump on ya.

I just got off the phone with my mom.

She is so proud that I won the Golden Pencil Award.

The same mom you haven't spoken to in...

Six years, yeah,

and she has never told me that she's proud of me before,

not even when I made it to callbacks

for "Albania's Next Top Model."

The population is smaller, so my odds are increased.

I can't believe it finally happened.

My mom is proud of me, Feldman.

Wow.

I just wish she could make it to the ceremony.

- Ceremony? - Yeah, you know.

On the website, it says they give out the award

at the winner's home school.

Everyone is gonna be so inspired,

they will wanna rename the school after me.

Snap School.

Right...

the award ceremony.

Totally.

I'm way steep in dookie, dude.

How am I gonna pull off an award ceremony?

You've gotta tell her the truth.

She's practicing her mom hugs on me.

She keeps whispering, "I forgive you."

That's why I can't tell her.

They just started talking again.

So what happened?

So I came back from getting art supplies

to find Frank, in a fit of rage,

throwing my cart down the hallway.

Did he really throw it?

Well, not literally, but metaphorically, yes.

Bottom line, Frank is a huge asshole.

He's behind me, isn't he?

Oh, hey, Frank.

I'm sorry if I offended you this morning

by moving your art cart,

but it was just blocking my office door.

Oh, no, no, that wasn't about you.

I was talking about another guy,

whose name is also Frank...

who moved my grocery cart...

At the grocery store.

Good to see you, Frank.

I mean, that made sense, right?

No.

Toby the Tiger, you wanted to see me?

Shh.

You can only call me that behind closed doors.

This morning with the other teachers was weird.

Did you, by any chance, mention our situation to them?

Oh, yeah, but don't worry, it's not a big deal.

Yes, it is a big deal, Care Bear.

I'm evaluating all the teachers today,

and if they know I'm your boyfriend,

it diminishes my authority.

They need to see me as the alpha lion of this pride.

Well, if they'd seen the way

you took me in the back of your Forester this morning,

they would.

Mm.

I'm just glad that bad boy has memory seating.

- -

Listen, I don't want work to be any different.

- Yeah. - We just need to do something

that'll make them think it's not weird.

Welcome, ladies.

Thank you for stopping by the lounge.

We work here?

- Make yourselves right at home. - Is this a dream?

Quick, Chelsea, pinch my bottom.

- What? No. - Come on.

As everyone knows, Caroline and I are dating,

and we invited you here

to assure you that nothing will change

just because we're together.

- Mini quiche, anyone? - You all must try one.

Caroline has the moistest little quiche I've ever eaten.

Yum, yum, yum.

I could eat it all day.

Mmm.

Oh, yeah.

Mm.

Tastes funny when you eat your own.

- Mm. -

Tell me, Ms. Bennigan,

how would you rate your overall performance this year?

Ms. Bennigan?

Quiche!

Students need a tangible way to measure their progress.

Do you object to the idea of frequent testing?

Not at all.

I have no objections to your testes...

I mean, testes.

Testes.

Oh, my God.

I don't think it's weird.

I once dated a man with a small leg.

Okay, we're done here.

- Chelsea... -

Are you devastated because you found out

a recent accomplishment of yours isn't real?

No, these are tears of joy.

Oh.

Everyone thinks I have this perfect life,

because my ankles are so thin they're unstable,

but this year has been really hard on me.

My two-finger thigh gap has become a one-finger thigh gap,

which means either my thighs are getting fat,

or I have Elton John sausage fingers!