The Hard Times of RJ Berger

- They say ribbed is for her pleasure, but we all know it's too itchy.

Whoa. I swear, dude.

Chicks do not know how to take compliments these days.

- In theory, you could be a little bit more subtle with the eye-banging.

I mean, if it creeps me out, imagine how she feels.

Why?

I mean, this is the only time in our lives

that we are allowed to stare at teenage ass.

When that guy does it, then it's creepy.

- All right, that guy deserves to be on dateline.

- Oh. Look at her, dude.

Passing out her precious invitations to the chosen few.

"And you're cool. And you.

And, yep, you too. Congratsies."

I mean, give me a break!

You know, we don't need that kind of validation from the a-list.

Hey, RJ.

Hope you can make it.

Give me that.

Sweet 16.

"RJ Berger, you are cordially invited

to the Pinkerton tennis club this Friday at 5:00 p.m."

Blah, blah, blah.

"Jenny Swanson's sweet 16 birthday party.

Attire. Gifts welcome of course."

Blah, blah, blah.

Dude, where the hell is the plus one?

Hey, this is only good for one!

- Miles... I just got invited to Jenny Swanson's sweet 16.

- And it sucks you have to decline, man.

I mean, you wouldn't go without your boy.

Would you?

You skinny, double-crossing, freak penis, matzoh-eating, four-eyed zit...

- My name is RJ Berger, and it's good to be invited.

- Choke your ass out and drown you in the toilet.

Wow.

I mean, bro, it's one thing to have a crush on a girl,

but this is, like, psycho stalker territory.

You're not thinking of mailing her a jar

of your own pubes or anything, are you?

It's her birthday present.

Oh, yes.

Jenny Swanson's precious sweet 16 party.

- Miles. - You're lucky that phony fest isn't the same night as raiders,

because if you flaked on that, so help me, God.

- Dude, I would never miss the chance to see

raiders of the lost ark on the big screen.

I don't know, dude.

I mean, you are ditching me for Jenny's party.

- Miles, look, dude, you should be happy I'm going.

All right, six months ago, Jenny had no idea who we were.

We were, like, two random dudes.

Now she invited one of us on purpose.

All right? Next time, maybe she'll invite both of us.

- Yeah, well, there won't be a next time

if you give her that stupid sketch for her birthday.

I think she'll like it.

- Yeah, if it's wrapped around a piece of jewelry maybe.

Dude, girls like Jenny don't spread for stupid sketches.

They want to see price tags.

You know, you gotta spend that coin if you want to get that loin.

- Jenny's not superficial like that.

Oh, right.

She's with Max Owens because he's average-looking and poor.

- What am I supposed to do?

I don't have any money. - I don't know, dude.

But if I were you, I'd be embarrassed to show up without a kick-ass gift.

Later, man.

- Mom. - RJ, do you have a toenail infection or something?

Every one of these socks is a crusty mess.

- Mom, I have a small crisis on my hands.

What is it, honey?

- I need $300 by the end of the week.

- Oh. Well, first of all, I know for a fact you can get that done

for under 100.

But let me ask you, have you and the young lady

considered dropping it off at a fire station?

- Mom. - Selling it to a nice gay couple?

- Mom, it's for Jenny Swanson's sweet 16 gift.

Oh!

Oh! Oh, thank goodness.

Oh, gee, you scared me half to death.

This is not the ass of a grandmother.

One, two, three, and four.

Oh, you know what, you should go see bill and Linda Robbins.

They're always hiring handymen for odd jobs.

Maybe they'll have something around the house for you to do. - Really?

All right. I'm gonna go over there now.

Mm! Great.

RJ Berger, is that you?

- Hi, Mrs. Robbins, Mr. Robbins.

- What are you doing here, love?

- I was just-- you know,

my mom mentioned that you guys might have some stuff

that I could do around the house, you know, for money.

- RJ, I didn't know you were handy.

- I'm trying to make a little extra money

by the end of the week for...Whatever.

- Well, hell, anything that saves me a trip

to the home depot parking lot, right?

- Well, I'll tell you what, RJ, we're expecting a guest any minute,

so why don't you just come by after school tomorrow?

We'll find something for you to do.

Really?

Oh, thank you guys so much.

I-I'll definitely do that.

All right. Um, see you tomorrow.

Nice kid.

A sweetheart.

Oh, you're a sweetheart.

Stop it.

Oh, hello.

You must be Charlene.

Mm.

She looked better in her profile.

- Dr. Jones, again we see there's nothing you could possess

which I could not take away.

- Dude! - Oh, rad, right?

So rad.

But I thought you were gonna be the gestapo guy.

- Turns out swastika armbands are very hard to find.

Huh.

- You ain't starting a boy band or something, are you?

No, I'm belloq.

Raiders of the lost ark.

Indiana, we are passing through history.

This is history.

- I'm gonna calmly walk away right now before I punch you in the face.

- Maybe I should go as the Nazi.

- Don't listen to him, dude.

Your costume is awesome.

And tonight's gonna be awesome.

Raiders, bro!

Remastered and projected on the big screen

just the way God intended it. - I know.

Pee dribbles out every time I think about it.

- Yeah. Oh, don't be late, dude.

We have to get seats before those temple of doom assholes show up.

thank you so much.

- You did a good job, RJ.

Here's today's take.

So let's do it again tomorrow.

What time do you get off school?

- Um, tit o'clo-- two o'clock.

- Great. I'll pick you up at 2:00, and you can help me run some errands.

Now you go get some rest.

Oh, come on.

I've been your best friend since dial-up.

You don't put me to voice mail, dickwad.

Dude, I'm so sorry.

I passed out when I got home.

I've--I'm so exhau-- - raiders, RJ.

Dude, I'm sorry, okay?

We'll watch it this weekend on DVD.

DVD?

No, you take your standard def

and shove it up your ass. And you know what else?

It doesn't matter how expensive your gift is.

'Cause it's for real you're never gonna get.

What the hell, dude?

I'm your best friend, RJ!

Me! Not some fantasy girl who pretends to like you

'cause you help her dumb ass get better grades.

Dude, seriously!

If you want to talk about her like that,

maybe I dot want to be your best friend.

- That's funny 'cause I was thinking

you don't deserve a best friend like me.

Dude!

It's over, RJ.

- All right, yes, I was wrong in flaking on raiders,

but he's being an asshole, Lily.

I mean, he's the one that told me I needed an expensive gift for Jenny.

He's the reason why I got the job and am busting my ass trimming hedges

and mowing lawns in the first place.

Why didn't you tell me?

I would have paid you to trim my hedges.

He'd need a riding mower.

Dude, come on, already.

I'm not here to talk, RJ.

I'm here to give you this.

- You're giving me back your half of our bros amulet?

- I won't be needing it anymore.

Did he just throw away food?

- It's way more serious than I thought.

- Oh, I never thought about that angle before.