Ali Wong: Single Lady

Oh, hi, Los Angeles.

Thank you so much for coming tonight.

It's been a very interesting past two years.

I got divorced in 2022.

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

It didn't feel like that at the time.

And I didn't expect the news of my divorce

to be so widespread and public,

and I felt really embarrassed and ashamed.

But I didn't realize that all of these media outlets

were acting like a Bat-Signal,

letting all potentially interested men know…

…that I was suddenly available.

And I've never been pursued this much in my life.

Oh, my God.

It's very, very exciting and quite shocking,

because boys, they never liked me growing up.

In the '90s, in high school,

guys, they weren't into charismatic A cups.

But things have changed,

and now there's all these men after

my divorced-mom energy.

Yes.

A divorced mom is very special because she doesn't want commitment.

She doesn't wanna have your kids.

A divorced mom

just wants to get dicked down.

I don't care how many brain cells you have.

I don't care if you pronounce hors d'oeuvres "whores devours."

I don't care.

No me importa.

I don't care, as long as you have a huge boner for me all the time.

I need you to have a huge boner that's gonna poke my brain.

I need you to smash my frontal cortex over and over

and just tenderize all of my fear and paranoia

about AI technology. Just…

Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam!

I'm not trying to trap a man anymore.

Mm-mm.

I'm trying to catch a concussion.

Yes.

I'm trying to drink cranberry juice on the regular, okay?

That's right.

When I introduce myself to new men, I'm trying to say hello like this,

"Hey. How you doing? Come here."

"I wanna talk to you. I got a question for you."

"Have you had a vasectomy?"

Uh, I really went on a tear when I first got divorced.

You missed it. I was on sale.

I'd been married for ten years,

so I had that, like, "just got out of prison" energy, you know?

And my standards were strategically low.

Like the less hair on the head, the more hair on the body, the better.

I was hunting for a dude that was shaped like a straight-up squash.

I'm here!

'Cause you know what kind of energy that dude's bringing to the bedroom?

Gratitude.

He will eat your pussy long, long time.

And you will be free of that guilt,

that concern that you're taking too long to finish.

Instead, you're like,

"Yeah, you stay down there, you lucky mediocre man, you."

I do have some standards when it comes to getting dicked down,

like you gotta pay for the first date.

Yeah, come on, man. You gotta pay for the first date.

I know that sounds crazy,

because I'm a millionaire.

Oh.

I am.

Don't let this Midsummer outfit fool you now, okay?

I'm a millionaire, straight up.

But you still gotta pay for the first date,

because you gotta show me that you understand

basic investment strategy.

The money will come back to you, okay?

Trust and believe.

If you have faith in your product,

and it performs well on the market and stays up…

the cost of those tapas and that cacio e pepe

will seem like nothing

when I get you a two-bedroom condo in Reseda, okay?

Yeah, Los Angeles proper, that's too expensive.

But Reseda…

I'll get you stainless steel appliances,

side-by-side two-car parking.

I'll get you a TOTO toilet.

Ooh, you know what a TOTO toilet is?

Yeah.

A TOTO toilet is this magical Japanese toilet.

The seat is always warm,

and then when you sit on it,

Hello Kitty and Godzilla emerge and go like this…

…to your butthole, okay?

You know how expensive that is to get Hello Kitty and Godzilla

to link arms and double-team your taint after you take a shit?

Hello Kitty doesn't even have a mouth.

But I can make the impossible possible, you know?

Listen, if I get you that two-bedroom condo in Reseda,

you better be at that two-bedroom condo in Reseda,

available to dick me down

when I am finished performing at the Wiltern in my nightgown, okay?

Yes.

You better be there,

because you cannot be both poor and busy.

That is an unacceptable combination.

Why don't we just add ugly and anger management issues

while we're at it?

And I better not catch you subletting that second bedroom.

In 2022, I joined a dating app. I really did.

And I paid $250 up front for the entire year.

Because then you save $5 a month.

I might be rich, but I'm still Chinese.

- Yeah! - Yes.

I still suffer from scarcity mindset.

I am still so devastatingly cheap.

Like, I will drink soy milk long past its expiration date,

when it has transformed into tofu.

I will pour that on my Shredded Wheat. I will.

I maintain a friendship with a woman that I hate

simply because she has a lemon tree.

Yes!

The day after I joined that app, I get a phone call from this dude

who I had met at, like, two dinner parties in the past.

And he got my number from a mutual friend, a mutual colleague,

and he was like, "Hey, Ali."

"I just happened to hear the news of your divorce today,

and I gotta tell you…

I'm excited."

"I am, Ali, because, look, I have had a crush on you forever,

and I actually told my best friend years ago

that you were my dream girl."

"And I know this sounds crazy, but, uh…

I want you to be my girlfriend."

And I was like…

"I just paid $250."

"You seem really nice, but…

I gotta get my money's worth."

Shortly after that phone call, I take off to Europe.

I arrive in London and discovered that this man

had sent me a bouquet of flowers that was this big.

And then I get to Amsterdam,

and he sent me a bouquet of flowers that was this big.

And then I get to Cologne.

He sent a flower arrangement the size of me.

And then in my final destination, Copenhagen,

he sent me six giant flower arrangements.

I told all my girlfriends, and they were like,

"Oh, my God, that is so sweet. I am so jealous."

And then I told all my male friends, and they were like,

"That dude sounds like a psychopath."

"Hey, are you okay, Ali? Do you feel safe?"

That's how cheap and lazy men have become,

that now, when a fellow man commits any act of kindness,

any romantic gesture,

it must be a symptom of an undiagnosed mental illness.

It is true that boys, they never liked me growing up.

I was always too loud.

I had a mustache.

They called me "booger girl" because I picked my nose all the time.

So it was very cruel, but very accurate, you know?

And now I'm 42, I'm a mother,

and something has truly shifted in my favor.

And I think that what happened was that…

Men, you know, when you're in your twenties,

all you wanna date is a ten, right?

At that age, you don't care about the content of a woman's character.

You don't care about her creative output.

Uh… You know, the ultimate status symbol when you're young

is to just date a beautiful, busty ten.

And then when men become 40, you're like, "I don't wanna date a ten anymore."

"All I want is a kind six…

…that earns at least, like, $15,000 a year,

and is generally a peaceful person."

But you're too late,

'cause all the kind sixes have been snatched up.

And it's not the status symbol it used to be.

It's not necessarily a good look to date a ten anymore.

Nowadays, when we're 40,

you bring some hot unfunny dummy to dinner,

all the women of substance at the table are now mad at you

because we have to babysit this bitch.

While, you're here outsourcing for intellectual stimulation and giggles,

we're the ones who have to listen to her boring ass stories

about cauliflower rice and the power of crystals.

Uh-uh.

You have ruined dinner for us, and now we've all lost respect for you

because you have revealed that you have bad taste!

The worst part about being a female stand-up comedian

is having to socialize with male stand-up comedians' girlfriends.

Oh, my God. It's so painful.

It's worse than being sexually harassed.

So many wasted hours of my life

having to sit next to these Instahoes.

These Instahoes who prey on my friend because he's so ugly.

He's been ugly his whole life,

and no woman who looks like that has ever looked at him.

And these Instahoes, they're smart.

They know that the day is coming

when these sunscreen companies stop paying them

to pose in a thong on an inflatable doughnut.