Louis C.K.: Chewed Up

Hello, alright... thank you, alright faggot how you doin'

Sorry, I called him a faggot.

I miss that word, k'now, I grew up saying that word and, I mean, it never ment gay.

When I was a kid, I didn't even know what gay was, I hadn't been told that people do that, I had no fucking idea.

Faggot didn't mean gay. When I was a kid, you called someone a faggot because they were being a faggot, y'know.

Someone's just being a faggot. "Neee," Shut up faggot.

"You're not supposed to use those for that." Shut up faggot.

I would never call a gay guy a faggot, unless he was being a faggot. But not because he's gay, do you understand?

If I saw two guys blowing each other, I don't know why I'm watching them do it, but if I just happened to.

I stumble upon a couple of fellas blowing one another on their respective " penisia "

That's plural for penis that I invented today... " penisia "

I would be respectful to them, y'know, "Hello gentlemen."

But if one of them took the dick out of his mouth and started acting all faggy and saying annoying faggy things.

"You know people from Phoenix are Phoenisians" or something like that.

I'd be like "hey shut up faggot, FAAAAGGGOOT"

Quit being a faggot and suck that dick, that's what I would say to them.

I don't know, I wouldn't call someone a mean name for sucking a dick, because if you suck a dick, that's awesome, I respect you.

Because I can't do it, I mean I haven't tried and failed, I just, I put myself there in my mind and I couldn't do it because I'm afraid, that's the only reason

That's why, if you can suck a dick I think that there's a strength in being able to do that, I believe that.

I don't believe that blowing somebody comes easily to anybody, even if it's something you generally do, every new dick must take somethin' outta you.

There must be something you gotta do to get yourself ready, y'know, " okay, here we go"

"ahaha, you.. I'm gonna suck ya"

"muahaha oookay, HERE WE GO!"

So, faggot, I don't know.

A lot of words that are not bad words, but some people start using them a lot to hurt other people and then they become bad and become hard to use.

There's words that I love that I can't use because other people use them wrong to hurt other people.

Like the word cunt is a beautiful word, to me there's just beauty in that word, and I mean like asthetically it's chocolate-y and round on the ends.

I just... cunt , I just like the way it sounds. I don't use it as an insult, I'll be alone in the laundry like "cunt, cunt" I just like saying it

I would never call a woman a cunt, except for my mom because she likes it for some weird reason, but..

it's a very misused word, it's supposed to mean vagina, which I don't think works at all because vagina's are so sweet

they're little pretty things with flow pedal-y lips. I hear a piccalo in my head everytime I see a vagina.

Even for vaginas that's too harsh, they should be called like "fala-lala"

There should be a butterfly fluttering around every vagina just all the time, a little butterfly.

You go to the doctor and he's like "Well the butterfly looks good so we're in good shape"

How do you look at something that pretty and say "That's a CUNT" that doesn't fit at all.

Maybe if it was a giant vagina and it was attacking a town and throwing buses around and knocking over telephone poles

Then you can say "Hey, somebody shoot that cunt with a bazooka!"

It's gonna step on the candy store!

So, faggot, cunt. Everybody has different words that offend them. Different things that they hear and get offended by.

To me, the thing that offends me the most is when I hear someone say "the N-word"

not nigger by the way, I mean "the N-word," literally whenever a white lady on CNN says "the N-word" that's just white people getting away with saying nigger.

They found a way to say nigger, "N-word", it's bullshit because when you say "the N-word" you're putting nigger in the listener's head. That's what saying a word is.

You say "the N-word" and I go "Oh, she means nigger," you're making ME say it in my head. Why don't YOU fucking say it instead and take responsibility.

With the shitty words you wanna say, just say it, don't hide behind the first letter like a faggot. Just say nigger you stupid cunt.

I don't know, I don't care.

Somebody'll kick my ass, I mean all this shit goes on in my head, I don't really... I thought the word nigger the other day, it wasn't even racist.

Let me tell you what happened, I went to a coffee place. It was a cool indie place, I don't like starbucks anymore because they don't care anymore.

They just press a button and some old lady's diarrhea comes out and they just give it to you.

So I go to a young people's cool coffee place with all the band's playing notice on the walls, it's called like "The Howling Dew" or something.

The dude behind the counter has like a tight t-shirt and a pony tail and he's like "hey what's up man"

And I was like "Hey can I get a cappuccino?" and he's like "Yeah, right on, totally," like he's amazed that he can help me.

"Oh yeah, I got all the stuff right here, this is awesome!"

And so he starts making my coffee, he worked so hard. He grounded the beans just for that one cup and put them in the thing and tamped them with this old thing

and he took the milk and he frothed it like for an hour and he banged it on the counter and I don't know why but it was awesome, he scooped it in and put a little cocoa on it.

and he's like "Here ya go man," and I was just blown away and for some reason as I left there, the thought in my head was "That nigger made the shit outta my coffee"

I don't know why, he wasn't black, that was just what was in my heart for some reason was "that nigger made the shit outta my coffee"

I don't know, I don't care

I'm all sweaty, I don't feel good. I ate too much and masturbated too recently, y'know that kinda..

y'know it's bad to like jerk off and run out the door 'cause you run into somebody like "uggh, she knows," you gotta like take some time along to process the shame.

I just can't stop eating, today I weighed myself, I don't know why, I'm not using the information, it's not guiding my behaviour why am I bothering to find out exactly how much of a piece of shit I am.

I weighed myself and I usually hover around 230... 240 today, I weight 240 pounds, which is not okay.

You know like when you go to the doctor they give you like a formula for how much you should weigh? I'm pretty sure it's not your age plus 200 pounds.

That doesn't seem like..

Like, I was watching a boxing match today, and both guys, they weighed a hundred and ten pounds each.

So, both of those guys still need a fat baby and a dead dog to make me.

And it's really bad 'cause I'm 40, and my doctor's like, "Yeah, you gotta be less people... you can't be so much... He just told me, "This is bad."

And he starts asking me about my eating habits, you know, like there's habits, like there's a pattern.

It's just chaos, and awfulness. It's just depesperate, constant... He's like, "How many meals and how many bowel movements a day?"

I'm like, I have no idea, I have no idea. It's just a blur, I'm just shittin' and eatin' all day.

I fill, pack my body to capacity and then blow it out my asshole, that's it.

Every shit is an emergency. Does that give you some idea? Of my eating habits?

And he's trying to get a handle on my... He's like, "Dude, okay look, how long, how soon into a meal do you typically feel full and stop eating?"

I'm like, "I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself. That's when I, that's when I stop."

I guess normal people eat 'til they're like, "Oh, that's, I guess that's all the nutrition I require, right there, I just reached it.

I will cease the intake now... and convert this into useful energy throughout the day."

No. Every time I eat it ends with me, "Why the fuck did I eat that? Dude, get it away, I don't wanna look at that shit, that's uggghh....

It's all right here too, it's like ucckkhhh.

I got syrup in my veins, like for blood, I got syrup. It's gonna be bad later, ugggh." I can't take care of myself.

And I'm always, just uncomfortable. Just sweaty, and just... like, this is, such a bummer. Like... it's my nightmare, it's my whole life.

Best thing that ever happened to me was boxer briefs. I'm so happy about boxer briefs. It doesn't seem like a big deal to most people,

but before boxer briefs I was trapped between the two awful worlds of briefs and boxers.

Briefs, briefs are for a normal man with one leg here and one leg here. Two

totally separate legs, with a whole area between, and the briefs go up into this little valley, this little area,

and they come down like this, and they can just tuck up in there and just hold them nicely because he's

got all that air and negative space. But this is just, all just mashed together, just upsetting, sting-y,

red, sweaty, just like... This looks like a pig's ass when I'm naked. Like even my dick is curly like the

tail... This is a pig's ass. And I pull briefs on and they're just go "Grrrrrrunhhh!" and they just grab

my dick and balls, "Here's your balls, you fat bastard, you like that?!" And they just dig up in there

with this viciously sharp cotton, and "Owwww!" And after a while I have just this wad of just damp cloth,

just a wad of wet cotton, just like the size of a tennis ball, like a huge wad of wet cotton. And boxers were

worse because they're, just they just let everything flap around, and touch each other, and upset each other... I need everything to be segregated down here.

I went 'cause my ankle, I was like limping for a month out of no where, and the doctor, he brings me and shows me an xray of my ankle and he's like

"Yeah your ankle is just worn out"

I was like "What do you mean, I injured my ankle?" and he's like "No, it's just shitty now."

"You see that dark area? Bleck, it's all hardened... they get like that and they're not good anymore."

I was like "Well goodbye? There's nothing? There's no option, it's just incurable shitty ankle? That's it?"

And he goes, "Well, there's things you can do... you can stretch for half hour a day you should stretch your ankle"

I was like, "How long will that take to fix it?" and he's like "No, you just do that now, that's just a new thing you do, until you and your shitty ankle both die."

I was like, "Dude this hurts a lot" and he goes, "Well you can take Aleve, just take Aleve, you can buy it and just take it, and you can take whatever amount, it doesn't matter don't pay attention to the dosage"

I'm like "really?" and he goes "Yeah, you can take 10 a day, you'd be fine," he say take 10 Aleve a day..

I said, "Doesn't that stuff like hurt your intestines?" he goes, "Oh yeah, it'll do some intestinal damage after a while, but you just gotta weigh that against how much you like your ankle not hurting."

This is all totally true by the way, this is exactly what happened. And at one point I was like "What if I was like an athlete or something?" he goes, "You're not an athlete.."

"So no to whatever else you were about to say"

It's bleak. It's harder for old people. My grandmother is 95, she can't see out of her left eye, it just shut off...

The last time we went to see her she's like "I can't see out of my left eye" and we're all like, "Uggh, hey what was chistmas like in the '40s?"

Maybe that'd run out the clock on the eye thing if we're luck, y'know?

So I go to her doctor, he's always at the end of the hall like 8 feet away from her. So I go to the doctor and say "She can't see out of her left eye at all."

And I swear to god he goes, "Well she's probably got a bunch of tumors in her head."

I swear to god, that's exactly what he said... I remember it because I was blown away by how none of his education he applied to this paticular diagnosis.

He said that she's PROBABLY got a bunch of tumors in her HEAD. He's a doctor and he called it her head.. he almost said " fucking head" I swear to god.