Maz Jobrani: Brown and Friendly

HEY, MAZ.

TWO MINUTES TO AIR.

THANKS, BUDDY.

OH, MY GOD.

TWO MINUTES TILL AIR.

I CAN'T DO THIS.

THIS IS MY OWN SPECIAL.

I'M NOT THAT SPECIAL.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID NO.

GOT TO DO A WHOLE -- GOT TO DO

A WHOLE HOUR OF MATERIAL?

FORGET IT.

I'M OUT OF HERE.

SHEIK?!

DAMN RIGHT!

MAZ 'JABRONI'!

JOBRANI.

WHAT?

JOBRANI.

NOT JABRONI?

J-JOBRANI.

JABRONI.

WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS!

I DON'T GIVE A

YOU WANT TO BE A MAN, OR YOU

WANT TO BE PUSSY?

I WANT TO BE A MAN.

PERFECT! AND THEN YOU HAVE TO

PAY FOR YOUR DUE.

IF YOU CANNOT DO IT,

I'M GONNA SUPLEX YOU,

I'LL PUT YOU

IN THE CAMEL CLUTCH,

AND I'LL YOUR ASS!

I'LL MAKE YOU HUMBLE!

HUMBLE!

DID YOU UNDERSTAND MY ENGLISH

OR NO?!

YES, I UNDERSTAND, SHEIK.

I UNDERSTAND.

I GOT TO BE A MAN!

I DON'T WASTE MY TIME

AROUND THE JABRONI PEOPLE.

I AM THE NUMBER-ONE COACH --

"IRON SHEIK" KHOSROW VAZIRI --

IN THE WORLD,

SO I PAY FOR MY DUE.

YOU PUSSY!

YOU CANNOT PAY FOR YOUR DUE!

YOU CANNOT HANDLE A HIT,

TAKE A WALK.

I CAN DO IT, SHEIK.

I CAN DO IT!

I'M FROM SHOW-ME CITY --

MISSOURI.

SHOW ME, I'LL BELIEVE IT.

OTHERWISE, I YOUR ASS.

I'LL MAKE YOU HUMBLE.

SHEIK, I'M GONNA DO IT!

I'M GONNA DO IT FOR YOU, SIR!

HERE I GO, SHEIK.

I'M A MAN!

SHOW IT!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

MAZ JOBRANI!

WHAT'S HAPPENING, LOS ANGELES?!

HOW ARE YOU GUYS? WOW!

THANK YOU. WELCOME.

HOW ARE YOU?

HOW ARE YOU?

WELCOME, WELCOME.

HOW ARE YOU? HOW ARE YOU?

HI, WELCOME.

HOW ARE YOU? GOOD TO HAVE YOU.

WELCOME, WELCOME.

HOW ARE YOU? WELCOME,

WELCOME, WELCOME, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

PLEASE, PLEASE, ON THE RUG.

PLEASE, ON THE RUG.

PLEASE. PLEASE.

TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF,

THEN ON THE RUG. PLEASE.

OH, MAN,

IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.

LET ME HEAR THE PERSIANS.

PERSIANS IN THE HOUSE.

PERSIANS.

NON-PERSIANS?

NON-PERSIANS?

ALL RIGHT! THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU'RE SURROUNDED,

BUT IT'S ALL GOOD.

IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE --

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.

WHAT'S FUNNY -- NOBODY KNOWS

HOW MANY PERSIANS,

OR MIDDLE EASTERNERS IN GENERAL,

THERE ARE IN AMERICA.

NOBODY KNOWS. NOBODY KNOWS.

'CAUSE WE DON'T ANSWER

CENSUS BUREAUS.

YEAH, THE RANGE

IS FROM 300,000 TO 3 MILLION.

THAT'S A WIDE RANGE.

'CAUSE IF A RANDOM PERSON

CALLS OUR HOUSE

AND STARTS ASKING QUESTIONS,

WE'RE AFRAID THE FBI

IS SHOWING UP NEXT.

RIGHT, WHEN THE CENSUS BUREAU

CALLS UP, YOU KNOW --

"HELLO, SIR. HOW MANY PEOPLE

LIVE IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD?"

WE'RE LIKE, "UH...ZERO."

"WHAT'S YOUR INCOME?"

"ZERO."

"HOW OLD ARE YOU?"

"ZERO."

"WHERE YOU FROM?"

"I DON'T KNOW.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"

THAT'S THE OTHER TECHNIQUE

WE HAVE,

IS YOU ANSWER A QUESTION

WITH A QUESTION.

GREAT TECHNIQUE.

YOU GUYS --

MY AMERICAN FRIENDS, USE IT.

IT WORKS.

LIKE, LAST YEAR,

THE PRESIDENT OF IRAN

WAS DOING AN INTERVIEW

ON "60 MINUTES,"

AND HE USED THAT TECHNIQUE.

IT WAS AMAZING.

THE INTERVIEWER ASKED HIM,

HE GOES,

"SO, DO YOU HAVE

A NUCLEAR PROGRAM?"

HE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW.

O YOU HAVE A NUCLEAR PROGRAM?"

THE REPORTER GOES,

"EVERYBODY KNOWS

AMERICA HAS A NUCLEAR PROGRAM."

HE GOES, "DOES EVERYBODY KNOW

AMERICA HAS A NUCLEAR PROGRAM?"

THE GUY GOT FRUSTRATED.

HE GOES, "OKAY, INTERVIEW OVER."

HE GOES,

"IS THIS INTERVIEW OVER?"

WE'RE VAGUE. THAT'S HOW WE ARE.

BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT TO BE

SPECIFIC IN ANY OF OUR ANSWERS.

LIKE, ASK A MIDDLE EASTERNER

WHAT THEY DO FOR A LIVING.

YOU'LL NEVER

GET A STRAIGHT ANSWER.

ASK A PERSIAN DUDE

WHAT HE DOES FOR A LIVING.

"HEY, WHAT DO YOU DO

FOR A LIVING?"

THEY'LL BE LIKE, "ME?

FOR A LIVING?

FOR THE LIVING? ME?

FOR THE LIVING? ME?

FOR A LIVING?

WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING? ME?

MM..."

"IMPORT/EXPORT."

BE LIKE,

"WHAT DO YOU IMPORT/EXPORT?"

"THIS AND THAT."

"WHERE DO YOU DO IT?"

"HERE AND THERE."

"WHERE YOU FROM?"

"EVERYWHERE.

I'M FROM EVERYWHERE.

HERE ARE YOU FROM, MY FRIEND?"

THAT'S HOW WE HANDLE IT.

WE DON'T GET TOO POLITICAL.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

WE DON'T LIKE TO GET INVOLVED

WITH POLITICS

'CAUSE WE DON'T WANT PEOPLE

KNOWING ABOUT OUR TASTES

AND WHAT WE'RE DOING AND STUFF.

THE WAY

WE GET INVOLVED POLITICALLY

IS WE HAVE AN E-MAIL LIST.

YEAH, THERE'S A PERSIAN

E-MAIL LIST.

LOT OF PERSIANS ARE ON IT.

MY AMERICAN FRIENDS AREN'T,

BUT, LIKE,

THE PERSIAN E-MAIL LIST,

ANYTIME ANYTHING HAPPENS IN THE

PERSIAN COMMUNITY, I HEAR IT.

I GET THE E-MAIL. ANYTIME.