M*A*S*H

No, no, operator. Listen to me closely, please.

Well, I told you three times. Will you get it straight?

Not the Hairywood Hotel. The Hollywood Hotel, in Tokyo.

On Showadori Street. Showa...

Well, however you say it.

Ohh...

Moron.

Major Margaret Houlihan. I'll wait, yes.

Margaret, it's me‐‐ Frank.

Well, I can't talk louder. I'm in Radar's office,

and he's sleeping just a few feet from me.

God knows what filth he's dreaming.

Margaret, puss,

I've been trying to get you for five hours.

Are you all right? Where have you been?

Oh, well, the nurses' seminar lasted forever.

Captain Parish gave a talk

on earwax problems in the artillery.

Dr. Nyler gave a talk on peristaltic rhythm.

Last year, he nearly won the Nobel Prize for dysentery.

And then he also gave a talk on suppositories:

"The Bullet of Health."

But it's 3:00 in the morning. I was getting worried.

Were you, Frank?

Oh, I called and I called.

I thought maybe you'd been in a rickshaw wreck.

Eh, those drivers get running in the rain

and their glasses steam up.

The glass. Wash the glass.

Well, after the seminar, some of the girls,

‐the nurses, and Fred... ‐Fred?

Went out for a bite on the Ginza.

Margaret, who's Fred?

I thought it was a nurses' seminar.

He's a physical therapist. Nice, but dumb.

He hasn't got a brain in his whole body.

Margaret, why do you say "body" like that?

What do you know about his body?

Body.

He's just a big, strong kid.

He crushed a beer can with two fingers.

Oh, show‐off. Once I killed a gopher with a stick.

What'd you do? Where'd you go?

We all went to a bathhouse.

And where was Fred?

Well, we didn't see much of him.

He likes to stay underwater.

Margaret, I‐‐ What?

All right, operator. Right away.

They're gonna cut us off, pumpkin.

Our time's up.

Oh, I miss you so much. Hurry back.

I got a new Andre Kostelanetz record.

It's called "Two Alone."

Yeah, we'll put it on in your tent,

and I'll crush a beer can with my knees.

Margaret. Margaret?

Margaret. Oh, Margaret.

Oh, shut up.

MAN (on P. A.): Attention, all personnel.

Ralph Kiner has just hit

his 47th home run of the season,

and Corporal Murphy has just struck out

in the laundry room.

Gimme a lap sponge here.

‐Colonel Potter? ‐Captain Pierce.

I think it's only fair to tell you that this is my last patient.

‐For today? ‐For forever.

‐So you're leaving. ‐All I need is a doggy bag

filled with our cook's famous unborn hash

and a jeep with a full tank.

I'll drive north up through Mongolia,

take a right at Siberia.

I may have a little trouble crossing the Bering Straits,

but after that it's downhill all the way.

Especially if you have the lights.

‐Right. ‐We'll set it up after lunch.

‐Can we have some quiet in here? ‐Don't bleed so loud.

It's like operating with a broken record going around and around.

And around and around.

‐Colonel! ‐Major.

I do wish you'd exercise your command.

I only exercise it once a month.

I don't want to get muscle‐bound.

‐Thanks a heap. ‐(clatter)

‐Oh, terrific, Kellye. ‐Sorry, Doctor.

‐You think I dropped it, don't you? ‐I didn't say that, sir.

It's obvious you thought so the moment I dropped it!

Come on in here. We can talk better.

‐Radar, no calls. ‐Yes, sir.

Me too.

Gentlemen, I need your help.

Command me, sire.

If it's shorts you want, you can have my other pair.

Of course, they need a little work.

No horsin' around now. I'm serious.

So am I. Take my shorts and let the chips fall where they may.

Frank Burns is driving everybody nuts,

ever since Major Houlihan went to Tokyo.

‐He even made Klinger cry. ‐The cad.

Told him his platform shoes made him look like a tramp.

Well, you've seen him in O. R.

‐All thumbs. ‐And two of 'em up his nose.

Colonel, you've only been around him for a few months.

He's been a boil on my butt for a hundred years.

Then let's lance that boil.

The man feels totally friendless.

He is.

As a favor to me and for the good of the unit,

be nice to him.

Buddy up to him. Treat him like a pal.

You must have something in common.

True. We hate each other.

Hawkeye, B. J., I'm begging ya.

Who could resist those big colonel eyes?

Your bet, Father.

No help from the pit boss in the sky.

I call your two and raise five dollars.

Hmm. Bye‐bye.

‐Five bucks? ‐Too rich for my blood.

Oh, come to Papa.

Where'd you learn to play poker, Father?

Eddie Bertolucci.

Knew him well.

First man to ride a caraway seed

down the alimentary canal.

Actually, he was a mailman.

When he passed the civil service,

I blessed his feet.

Half‐a‐buck ante. Straight draw.

There's mine.

Who said you could play poker in here?

I did, Burns.

Enjoy your game, sir.

Keep your enlisted giggles to yourself.

‐Yes, sir. ‐Pot's light.

‐I'm in. ‐I'm in.

Oh. Oh, yeah, it's me.

I was watching Major Burns untie his boots.

And he does it without a safety net.

Dizzy simp.

‐Oh, come on. ‐Go on.

‐Frank? ‐I don't have to take that!

Why don't you get in the game with us?

Oh, thanks a lot. I know when I'm not wanted.

No, come on, Frank. We really want you.

‐Me? ‐Yeah, come on, Frank. We don't mind.

Get Frank a drink, B. J.

‐Yes, sir. ‐Park it right here.

I don't know much about poker.

Louise and I mostly played whist at the Moose Hall.

I read that in Cholly Knickerbocker.

Go easy on that rotgut. It'll pickle your giblets.

‐Half a buck ante, Frank. ‐Mmm.

A snapper purse?

Oh, it says no to pickpockets with a capital N.

‐Get Mr. Ravenal a refill. ‐Here you are.

Anybody else for pickled giblets?

Oh, no, thank you. I've had it.

‐Straight draw, Frank. ‐Well, I don't know much about the game.

You get five cards. Keep your best.

You know, pair, three of a kind, et cetera.

Then you draw, discard your garbage,

and keep your best five.

Any dumb Dora knows that.

It's nice and lemony.

You had lemons in there, Hawkeye?

We threw in a couple of cough drops.

Is this jacks or better?

Sí, señor.

I can't open.

‐Nope. ‐HAWKEYE: Father?

I open for a dollar.

Bye‐bye.

‐I'm in. ‐Frank?

Well, what do I say if I want to say I think I can win?

How about "So long"?

Just say "call."

Then I say, "call."

Me too.

How many cards you want, Radar?

Two. Three. Uh, four.

Brilliant devil. He's obviously got one of a kind.

‐Klinger? ‐Two beauties, please.

Can I have another lemon squash?

‐Comin' up, Tex. ‐Best keep your wits about you, Major.

Oh, don't worry about me, sir. I got a hollow head.

‐Father? ‐I'll take two, please.

One off the top, if you don't mind.

Frank?

Don't bother me now. I'm busy!

How many cards do you want?

These will suit me just fine.

Oh.

‐Watch him. ‐Uh‐oh.

He's bluffing.

Dealer takes three.

Father, you open.

I'll bet a dollar.

And up a half.