Two and a Half Men

"Help me out here, Doc.

I need a time of death."

"Sorry, Lieutenant, but I can't give you

"an official T.O.D. until I get her on the slab.

"But based on hypostatic lividity

"and degree of rigor, I'd say our cheerleader

got her pom-poms pierced right around halftime."

Real? Real.

"Anything else?"

"Left-handed assailant, used a single-edged blade,

multiple entry wounds and defensive trauma."

"So how are we gonna find this psychopath?"

"Well, like our killer,

we'll just have to... take a stab at it."

That's it.

So, you think I'll get the part?

Uh, well, I for one totally buy you

as a brilliant forensic investigator.

Thanks, but I believe it's pronounced "fornesic."

What do you think, Charlie?

Unbelievable.

Aw...

I mean... beyond belief.

That's sweet.

I mean... I just don't believe it.

You made your point, Charlie.

Do you like what I did with the glasses?

On, smart...

off, hot.

My mind is just completely blown.

So when are you gonna be on TV?

I have to pass the audition first.

Let's not put the cart before the whores.

Horse.

: Maybe a little.

I've been rehearsing all day.

What's the name of the show?

Stiffs.

Stiffs?

You know, like dead bodies.

Oh, right. Sure.

I know what you were thinking.

Well, I better go.

The audition's at 4:00

and I still have to get my tan sprayed on.

Best of luck.

It has nothing to do with luck, Alan.

You just have to stand still

and keep your eyes and mouth closed.

No, I meant...

Never mind.

Knock 'em dead at the audition. Thanks.

And thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat.

It makes me feel like a real doctor.

Now you know why Alan wears it.

Okay, well, uh, tell me how it goes.

I will.

Oh, and by the way.

Did you get the divorce papers?

Not really, but my lawyer explained them to me. Bye.

The-They need to be signed.

Kandi?

Hey, what's your hurry?

If she becomes a big TV star while you're still married,

she'll have to pay you alimony.

Yeah, and if pigs start flying out of my rear end,

we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives.

I don't know that I'd eat that bacon.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Isn't anybody gonna get that?

Jake?

Yeah?

What are you doing?

Hanging posters.

Did you consider using scotch tape?

It doesn't hold as well. Especially her.

Who is that?

Raven.

She's the North American ladies' wrestling champ.

Aha.

All oiled up and ready to... wrestle.

Damn it! This isn't funny!

Quick little bastards.

What happened to your Harry Potter posters?

I'm not a kid anymore, Dad.

You don't have to be a kid to like Harry Potter.

You want it, take it.

Aw, Harry. You crumpled Harry.

You remember when we got this? No.

Oh, come on, we stood on line

outside that bookstore at midnight

to get one of the first copies?

You were dressed as Harry and I was dressed as Dumbledore.

I don't remember, Dad.

Sure you do.

You made fun of that other kid 'cause he had

a flying mop instead of a broom, and, uh,

he started crying and his father punched me in the chest?

No.

Yeah, well, you weren't the one with the cracked rib.

Anyway, what, uh, what prompted you to...

redecorate like this?

I don't know, I like cars and wrestling.

And wet T-shirts, apparently.

Oh, there is a wet T-shirt on that-- I hadn't noticed.

Ha!

Jake's redecorating.

Yeah, I can see that.

Oh, Raven.

Those are fake, by the way.

Charlie!

What? He has a right to know.

I'm just glad the little guy's got me to...

Wait a minute.

Are those nails in my wall?

Are you out of your freakin' mind?

No.

No? That's your answer? No?

Yeah.

Charlie... Charlie, come on.

For God's sake!

These are railroad spikes!

I'll putty over it.

That's not plaster board, that's stucco.

You can't just putty stucco.

I know, I'll fix it.

Let's just give him some privacy.

Wait, wait, wait.

At least I can take one hammer out of his hand.

* Men... *

ALAN (on TV): Jake, look at Daddy.

Look at Daddy. Look at Daddy.

Ah, that's my boy.

Where's Daddy?

Daddy's over here.

Wasn't he adorable?

Yeah.

Hey, could you rewind to Judith breast-feeding him?

That was really adorable.

Especially the part

where she does the old switcheroo.

I miss that little boy.

Seems like only yesterday I could hold him in one arm.

He didn't weigh more than eight or nine pounds.

He craps more than that now.

Where did the time go?

His childhood is almost over

and there's still so much stuff I want to do with him.

Like what?

You know, father-son stuff.

Pretty soon, there'll be no more playing catch

or riding bikes.

Do you realize I've never even taken him

fishing or camping or hunting?

Do you know how to fish or camp or hunt?

That's not the point.

I-I-I thought we would learn together.

Oh, that sounds good.

You and knucklehead out in the woods

taking turns shooting each other in the ass.

Okay, it's not so much about hunting, per se.

"Per se." There's an outdoorsy phrase.

It's about bonding.

Before you know it,

he'll have no interest in spending time with me at all.

Not unless you grow boobs and straddle a Harley.

All right, look.

It doesn't help to whine about it.

If you want to get lost in the woods

with Jerky Gherkinheimer, go do it.

My life is just one big joke to you, isn't it?

Actually, it's more of a limerick.

There once was a moron named Al,

who wanted to camp with his pal...

Any chance you can go camping in Nantucket?

So, Charlie,

where's the wife and kid?

They went camping to do some father-son bonding.

And when they looked at the door handle of the car,

there was nothing there...

but a hook.

A hook?

That makes no sense.

Oh, I left out a part.

Um, uh, okay, the guy who escaped

from the insane asylum had lost his hand

in some kind of an industrial accident.

Anyway, they replaced it with a sharp metal hook.

And it was said hook that was stuck

on the aforementioned door handle.

: Ooh...

Dad, over the past three birthdays

I've gotten $175 in bookstore gift cards.

They're yours if we can just go home.