Sharon 1.2.3.

- Life has a way of catching up to you,

especially when you least expect it.

That's always been the case for me.

Hey baby, little baby!

Let's get him!

Welcome to my existence.

Get him!

Stop it!

You like that?

- Life as a kid was never a bed of roses.

And when I think back, they were not the best of times.

Geek!

- And definitely not my most fondest.

Hey dick weed.

Wedgie!

- Yeah, those were times that I'd prefer

to forget and leave dormant in the back of my mind.

Having fun, jerk wad?

- I've always imagined being cool.

Mm, ladies.

Whatever that was.

But as long as I can remember, I was anything but cool.

Five.

Oh god.

Some of this, some of that.

Some of that.

Boom.

And that's when I discovered The Mack.

And never forget.

- The greatest blaxploitation movie

of all time, with Max Julien and Carol Speed.

Hands down, the best pimp movie ever.

- And it's gonna continue straight ahead.

Until somebody out there

turns out the lights on this small planet.

- Can you dig it? - Can you dig it?

Yeah, yeah.

I can dig it, yeah.

- Right on. - Right on, right on.

Some kids wanted to be doctors, firemen, or policemen.

I wanted to be a pimp.

Woo, woo.

A P-I-M-P, baby.

It's actually pretty easy to do.

After a quick stop at the thrift shop,

wearin' your grandpa's clothes, it was on.

New pants for me.

All right, all right.

Hey, I see you, I see you, Paulie.

Hey man, wanna give it a pound?

That's okay, you don't have to do that.

Hey girl.

Can you dig it?

Yeah, I like your smile, that's okay.

Mmkay, how we doin', how we doin'?

Hey playas.

Let's get him.

Okay, yeah.

That wasn't workin' out for me either.

For a guy like me, all was lost.

The closest I got to getting a hot chick

was Miss August, Jennifer Wilson.

I was so bad.

Jonah, open the door!

I'm brushin' my teeth!

- Mom, Jonah's jerking off again!

Jesus, for the love of God.

Jonah, open the door! - You interrupting is just

gonna make this last longer.

Mom!

Mom!

Jonah, not on my good towels!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Jonah, open the door!

Jonah!

Hurry.

Jonah!

Jonah, open the damn door!

Jonah, right now!

I swear to God if you don't come out of here right now I'm--

The emergence of the internet

and social media was a major game-changer.

It created millionaires and billionaires over night.

With sites like MySpace, Google, Facebook, BlackPlanet,

I loved BlackPlanet.

And Twitter?

Being a geek was now cool.

At 18, I got recruited to work for a big software company.

By the time I was 21, I was loaded.

And boy did my life change.

Who got shots?

Who's tryin' to get me drunk, okay?

I was a rockstar.

We're gonna cheers this.

The high school jocks

were just dumb fucks looking for a job.

- Ooh. - All right, let's do it.

My time had finally come.

I decided that I was gonna make my mark

and capitalize on this new trend and start my own business.

It was time for me to step up and find my stride.

Be my own man.

That's when I met the first Sharon.

- I was looking for real estate

to start a new venture

that's how I got entangled with Sharon Clark.

I call her Sharon One.

Hey.

- Hi, how's it goin'? - Good.

So, I think you're gonna love this place.

It's got all the amenities you were looking for.

It's got a large bullpen.

It's very creative.

It's artsy.

It's quirky, just like you.

You know me well.

- So after this viewing, what are you doin'?

I don't know.

What'd you have in mind?

Yeah, keep going.

Yeah.

Oh my god, right there.

Can you believe it?

That's me.

Man, how things have changed.

Keep going.

Jonah.

Whoa, man, are you okay?

- She's cheating on me.

She's fucking cheating on me.

I, I caught her red-handed.

- Heather? - Yeah.

With who?

- With the fucking doing next door neighbor, man.

The guy who moved in like two months ago.

I thought you said he was gay.

Yeah, obviously he is not.

- But Heather? - Yeah.

Really, of all people?

I mean, what is this world coming to?

- It's going down the fucking shitter.

I gave that girl everything, and she gave me heartburn.

Fuck her!

Don't say that.

Fuck you, I'm saying it.

You always say you wanna have what I have by being in love.

Well, this is it.

This is what it fucking looks like!

This!

You give your heart to a woman,

and she just crushes it.

Yeah, yeah.

I, I am devastated, man.

I wanted to marry that girl.

Poor Drew.

I know that feeling.

I remember the first woman I had sex with.

The first woman that took my virginity.

I was so in love.

I think I cried the first time we had sex.

- You gonna love me! - I love you!

Her name was Tisha LaQuanda

Demetria hyphen Jones. - You gonna love me!

I got the goods. - I loved that girl.

- Do you like this? - Yeah.

- Do you want more? - Yeah, please.

- What's my name? - Tisha.

- What's my name? - Your name is Tisha LaQuanda!

- You better tell me my name! - Tisha LaQuanda!

- Say it again! - Tisha LaQuanda!

- You gonna love me. - I love you.

- You gonna love me. - Yeah, okay, oh god.

I got the goods, yeah.

- That's when I knew I was in love.

Because at that moment, I started to cry.

That was the first time I cried, but not the last.

She broke up with me.

Found some hot Swedish guy.

Tisha, Tisha, please don't go.

I gotta go.

But I love you!

- I know, everybody loves Tisha LaQuanda.

I got the goods.

But I gotta move on, I gotta go.