Two and a Half Men

Yo, whassup?

Oh, stop it.

Hey, give me back my skully.

This is not a skully.

It's a ski cap

your grandmother gave you for Christmas.

Charlie, come on. He's just trying to find his look.

Word.

Word?

There's a reindeer on it.

Don't listen to him, Jake.

I think it looks very dope on you.

Oh, man!

Hey, did you see

that your former girlfriend's dance troupe is in town?

Mia's here?

Let me see that.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Whoa, is somebody still carrying a torch?

Torch? Don't be ridiculous.

I mean, I'm glad to see

she's following her dream,

but I've moved on.

You know, I think she called the other day.

What?! When?!

What'd she want?! What'd she say?!

Um...

Come on, kid, spill it!

Nope, no unresolved feelings there.

She wanted to talk to you, but you weren't home.

I know that, you chowderhead.

What else did she say?

Uh, she said, "What's new?"

I said, "Nothing much."

She said, "How's school?"

I said, "It sucks."

Then she said, "That's too bad."

I said, "Yeah."

I'm going to kill him, Alan.

I swear to God I'm going to kill him.

Oh, yeah, she wants us to come see her dance next weekend.

It says she's performing this weekend.

Oh, I guess she called last weekend.

You're telling me this now?! Charlie, Charlie, calm down.

How many things does the kid have to handle?

Eat, poop, tell me who called.

She said some guy named Will has tickets.

Who's Will?

I don't know. She said he'd call.

Will's going to call?

You mean the tickets are at "Will Call"?

I don't know. Maybe.

Dear God, he's a doorstop that eats.

Do me a favor.

From now on,

when somebody calls, write it down.

I did.

Where?

On my homework.

Okay. Where's your homework?

Um... Oh, yeah.

My teacher called. She wants to meet with you.

When?

I guess it was last week.

Peace out.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh... * Men.

Mia left us four seats for Friday night.

House seats, center orchestra.

Huh.

What do you think?

You, me, Jake, Kandi, go out to dinner

make an evening of it.

Sounds like fun.

Maybe afterwards you could tie me to an anthill

and smear honey on my genitals.

So you don't want to go?

Geez, now I see where the kid gets his brains.

No, I don't want to go.

Why would I want to go?

Um, because you were in love with the woman

and obviously still have feelings for her

and want to see her again.

Oh, that's crazy.

God, you are so naive.

How am I naive?

Oh, oh! I know this one.

Alan,

when an ex-girlfriend calls, no good can come from it.

Unless, you know, it's 2:00 a.m., she's blind drunk

and wants to get even with her new cheating boyfriend.

She just wanted to invite us to the ballet.

Yeah, right.

And girls are completely unaware

that you can see their nipples through their shirts.

What does that have...?

Really? They know?

There's only a few reasons why an ex calls.

One: they're doing great and want to rub your nose in it,

or two: they're doing lousy and need to borrow money.

Or three: they've got money from knocking over a Laundromat

and want to hide under your trailer until the heat's off.

It happens.

Okay, okay. How about four:

she misses you and wants to try again?

What is it she's going to try?

To change me into something I'm not

to get me to stop drinking, smoking, gambling?

To rescue me from the barren, loveless abyss

my life has become?

What?

You know what I think?

I think you were never happier than when you were with Mia.

You still have feelings for her

and you're just afraid to admit it.

You are so wrong. You couldn't be more wrong!

Believe that guy?

You want the truth?

No, probably not.

Good call.

Oh, by the way, here's the 20 bucks I owe ya.

* Men...

I am telling you it is not appropriate

to wear to the ballet.

Why you trippin' on me?

Hey, Alan.

: Matey.

I'm not a pirate.

You're not a gangsta either.

You're a dorky white kid

with a Cub Scout bandana on his head.

Yo, hate the game, don't hate the playa.

You know kids better than me.

How, how long does this pimp stage last?

Just ignore him.

You sure you won't change your mind and come with us?

Positive.

Should I at least say hi to Mia for you?

Say whatever you want.

I'm meeting somebody at Pavlov's.

Who?

How would I know?

I haven't met her yet.

Hi, do I look okay?

Perfect.

Hey, no fair!

You grow a rack like that,

you can wear anything you want on your head.

You have a house on the beach?

I'd love to see it.

I could take you there.

Great.

Then I could bring you out on my deck,

we could watch the surf in the moonlight,

then I could take you in my arms, kiss you.

Not a big kiss.

Just a little something that gives you a taste

of what's to come.

Well, let's go.

Then I would take your hand and lead you up to my bedroom

where I would slowly undress you,

then lay you down on the crisp cool sheets

and proceed to make wild, passionate love to you

until we're both totally spent.

Okay.

Then in the morning, I'll bring you a cup of coffee

and your car keys.

Wow!

Wait, my car keys?

I'll promise to call you, but I never will.

Then when you try to call me,

you'll find that the phone number I gave you

belongs to a dry cleaner in Koreatown.

What?

When all is said and done,

you know what we'll both have? Nothing.

Not even a good memory.

So what do you say we do us both a favor

and not go through with this whole pathetic charade?

Okay.

Geez, I was just trying to get laid.

So, Jake, the swan is dying...

Can you believe...?

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Hey, what did I miss?

I thought you weren't coming.

I'm not here for Mia.

I'm here to support the arts.

Yikes. Look at the package on that pretty dude.

Hey, good job.

Eat something.

Charlie!

Hey, you were terrific.

Thank you.

I am so glad you came.

Are you kidding me? I've been looking forward to this all week.

Dressed like that?

Well, how else would you recognize me?

These are for you.

Thank you.