The Festival

Do You Know Me?

- What the hell is this music, Nick? - Well, it's sexy.

No?

Don't worry. I can change it.

Harry darted behind the crumbling pillar...

- I shouldn't have put it on shuffle. - ..where our wizards streaked past.

Why is that on shuffle?

Sorry, Nick. Can we focus?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Remember, don't come inside me.

- What? Why not? - I had to take a break from the pill.

The hormones were making my nipples hairy.

Oh, shit, yeah, of course.

- So where should I come, then? - I don't know. Wherever you want.

- OK, like, your face? - Obviously not.

- No, sorry. We spoke about that. - Just come anywhere.

Er.... Yep, what, so just literally anywhere?

Not on me!

Knock, knock. Who is it?

It's Shane.

Ah...

Oh.

Hey!

Today uni is officially over.

Came, saw, conquered.

Well, you got a third.

- You ready? - No, I'm scared.

Fear is just your body telling you not to do something dangerous.

Yeah, I know what fear is.

Come on, let's go. See you down there.

- Bye. - Bye.

Dude, you've got jizz on your gown.

That's hot.

- I can't do it. I can't do it. - No, keep going.

But my lips are gonna fall off.

- Breathe through it. - Fuck off!

Breathe through it.

Finish up. We'll go meet the others.

- You mean Caitlin and her friends? - They're our friends too.

- They are. - Hm-mm.

Rex got us tickets to that festival.

- Why would he if we weren't friends? - Not sure.

They're nice to you cos you go out with Caitlin.

I... I guess for me a real friend is someone who'd help you dispose of a body.

- I would not help you dispose of a body. - I'm not encouraging you to kill anyone.

I'm just saying when it happens, I'll help you dismember the corpse.

- Thank you. That will be nice. - You're welcome.

It'll be a nice day, two mates together, chopping up a murder victim.

Ooh... I can feel it in my balls.

- Come on. We've gotta get through this. - OK.

Work

- Here they are, Bert and Ernie. - Hi, guys.

Blimey, chaps. You're a bit sweaty.

Been playing soggy biscuit or something?

We ate some very hot chicken and now it's a bit hard to see.

Listen, Rex, thanks for sorting us the festival tickets.

It's no problem. I like to help those less fortunate than myself.

I mean, we did pay for them.

Oh, hi. I don't think we've met. I'm Lucy.

Yeah, I know. We met before. Loads of times.

I'm friends with Nick and Caitlin. My name's Shane.

Are you sure?

Am I sure I'm friends with Nick and Caitlin or am I sure my name's Shane?

Both.

You all right, Gordy?

Oh, Gordy's taken some pretty strong drugs and he's gone mute.

Still a bloody legend, though. Who wants to have a drink?

Oh, we should go and find our parents but we'll see you after?

Not if I can help it.

I don't recognise half these people.

Look at that dude in the dreadlocks.

- Why did we never make friends with him? - Say "fromage".

Oh, look. There's Robin.

Oh, fuck's sake.

Wow, wow.

You look great, Shane.

Hi, Nick.

So, are you boys ready to create some memories today?

- Where's Mum? - Saving us a spot down the front.

Wanna get some good snaps.

- You really didn't have to come. - Hey, don't mention it.

I wouldn't have missed this for the world, Shane.

Every morning I wake up next to your mum...

- Oh, my... - ..bursting...

..bursting with pride for you.

Oh. Sorry.

I promised myself I wasn't gonna cry.

Oh, nice try, Robin, you big dingbat.

I just can't believe the amazing man that you've grown into.

Oh, mate, you've been going out with my mum for about a year.

I know. It's been the best year of my life.

Robin, so sorry. I've gotta go and meet my mum and Caitlin.

- See you later. - See you.

That's right, Shane, just let it out.

- Darling, I'm sorry I'm late. - Hi, Mum.

Caitlin, you look beautiful.

Thanks, Vivian.

Right, one quick snap of the happy couple.

OK.

Nicky, you've got toothpaste on your gown.

- No. - Let...

- Don't. - Nicky.

- Seriously. - Nicky!

Hm.

Right.

Won't be able to remember the blooming PIN now.

But it will be good to have some photos of graduation,

put them up when we move in together.

Right, yeah, when we move in together.

Hey, can't wait to eat breakfast together in our matching bathrobes.

Yeah.

Wait. Why are we laughing?

Oh, my God. You're not joking.

Well, it just makes sense, right?

Get a nice one bed, maybe get a cat?

- What? - Nothing.

No, come on, what is it?

It's just...

I guess I kind of assumed that we'd...

you know, break up.

- Why would we do that? - It's just what uni couples do, isn't it?

You get out of the bubble and you realise it was never gonna work.

My sister and her ex went out for the whole of uni and then broke up.

Cos she woke up one night and he was wanking over Korean cartoon porn.

Nick, stop being a dick.

I'm being... a dick?

You're the one breaking up with me at graduation.

I'm not breaking up with you.

I'm saying I think I might break up with you in a few months.

It's like saying "I'm not murdering you.

I'm gonna gradually expose you to dangerous amounts of polonium."

I'm a relationship Litvinenko.

- I'm a dead man walking. - Nick...

Dead man! We got a dead man walking.

I can't deal with you when you're like this.

- Like what? - Just uptight and self-centred.

And making everything all about Nick, like you always do.

I'm done.

Right... I'm ready.

Oh, no, that's just a close-up of my face.

Leo Pandara.

Nishant Patel.

Shane.

- Ben Proctor. - Robin, go back to your seat.

Shane Simpson.

Gordon Symonds.

Nick Taylor.

Sandeep Tulwar.

- Angela Queiroz. - Sorry, Sandeep.

Um, sorry, everyone. There's something I wanna say.

Erm...

Caitlin...

I'm sorry.

I don't know what happened earlier, but... I'm sorry.

I didn't mean for us to fight and I don't want us to break up.

I love you and I know you love me too,

so can we just forget what happened,

whatever it was, please?

- No, Nick. - Aw...

No?

No, I don't want to get back together.

Especially not like this.

But we're meant to be together... and grow old together.

We lost our virginities to each other. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

I guess not. I guess I'm just a fucking idiot.

Actually, no, I'm not an idiot.

You're just a heartless monster.

You're mean. You are mean.

And you're spindly.

And... And guess what?

I don't wanna get back together with you. Good riddance.

That's not true. I didn't mean that, Caitlin. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Please take me back?

Caitlin, please? Caitlin?

Hm? Please? Caitlin?

Caitlin? Please? Caitlin? Caitlin?

Caitlin, I didn't mean that. Caitlin...

I'm gonna be sick.

Caitlin, come on.

Yeah? Please.

Please. Please.