I Just Want My Pants Back

- Is it OK if I borrow these? - Yeah.

Can I get your number?

I really like this girl.

She's cute and she's funny...

Let's do it in your fridge!

And she's surprisingly filthy.

- Is Jane there? - This is Thai restaurant, okay?

Fridge Girl stole my pants.

- Hey! - Whoa, nice timing.

So we're really doing this, huh?

I guess so.

I mean, I met her there last Tuesday and it's Tuesday, so...

So maybe we'll see her.

More importantly, maybe you'll get

your little man-pants back, Jay.

Ha ha, I doubt it.

But look, you know, at least I'll have tried.

And then I can start plan B:

Becoming religious and finding a nice girl via arranged marriage.

Eh, I don't know.

Religious girls aren't really into personal grooming.

I had gym with Tikva Rubenstein.

Huge bush. Ew.

What the hell?

Whoa, sweet ride, dick.

Come on, let's do this.

I'm here to support you.

Because, you know, you're fat,

and it's hard for you to meet girls.

Well, she's not here.

On the bright side, you have to buy the first round

since now I'll never love again.

Don't joke it off, Jay.

Joke it off. That sounds dirty,

like something a naughty clown would do.

Come on, are you okay?

Yeah, it's just we had this amazing night,

and then she fake-numbered me.

Stupid, I know, but I keep wondering,

did I do something wrong?

No, nobody ever figures out what they did wrong.

You know, very few people have perspective like that.

And those that do are usually really into jam bands.

I should be writing these pearls down.

- Hey. - Oh, look super-couple's here.

- Hey! - So?

- She's not here stace. - Sucks, dude.

Onward. I saw a girl in here drunk enough

to have sex with a mannequin.

You should go be that mannequin.

- Shut up, Eric. - Nice.

What's up, late night plans?

No, I'm just expecting a text from Brett.

I mean, usually a few days after we fight,

he sends me a dumb text...

Picture of a cat with a mustache or whatever.

It's been over a week.

It doesn't matter, I mean, it's done.

Whatever.

Maybe be mature and text him?

Uh, no. No way I'm texting him.

Yeah, well at least you could contact Brett.

I can't even find Jane.

I mean, it's a total Hail Mary,

but I could post on Missed Connections.

What do we have so far?

Sorry, I was just looking at this sex ad.

"B.B.W. Seeks M.A.B."?

Whatever that is. Male adult baby.

Do not Google it.

What? I get bored at work.

Okay, so I have "you, Jane,"

"me guy whose pants you borrowed."

No, lose the Tarzan start.

"The number you left was actually Thai food.

"Great Thai, so thanks. But let's meet up again.

I have other clothing items that might fit you."

I don't know, is it funny enough?

Let me see it.

Posted.

What the hell?

I was gonna put something ironic in there.

So my weekend was bizonkers.

I drank so much I almost went blind.

And I went to this place called Toast.

All they serve is toast. It's super-carby.

Ugh, and then, like, Kev is now stalking me on I.M.

It's like, it was just a beej, let it go.

Anyway, you?

You ever hear from what's-his-butt?

No, not yet.

Hey, sorry to interrupt.

I'm Kent. I intern here.

Hi, intern Kent.

Hey, I was wondering if you could do me, like, a huge favor.

I need to make coffee for Maya's meeting,

and I have zero idea how to use that thing.

I'm more of a tea guy.

- Butch. - Yeah, I know.

Uh, but could you help me?

Dyl, can you? I'm uploading.

Can't. I'm in the middle of an epic I.M. war over here.

Okay, it's pretty straightforward.

Step one, put in coffee.

Step two, put in water.

Step three, push button.

- Soon, coffee. - Thank you.

I grew up in the city,

so mechanical objects usually require the super.

What do you do when you run out of ice,

call 911?

Uh, I've been making my own ice since I was 16.

Good luck with the caffeine crowd.

I know we're into keeping it local,

but this place is deeply sketchy.

Why didn't we just go to Macy's?

We're on a budget, remember?

Yeah, you know what, you always do this.

You seize control like a sexy-ass dictator.

You know you can be bad at decisions, er.

You make your famous pros and cons lists and... ooh.

This is pretty comfy, right?

- It's fine, but... - Can I help you?

Yes, we'd like this bed.

But only if you do free delivery.

For cash? Uh, sure.

- No, I just think that... - This is a bargain, er.

Plus we'll be done.

We can just go home and... You know.

Break it in.

Just trust me, 'kay?

Okay. Uh, yeah, sure. We'll take it.

Jay.

I was worried something might have happened.

- I know, I'm sorry I'm late. - I'm kidding.

I wasn't worried.

The only time I remember you even exist

is when I can see you.

Oh, you exist! Hi.

Thanks, JB.

Oh, God, I love moms.

Especially single moms.

You go over there and get a decent free meal.

By 8:00, the kids have gone down

and then their mama goes down.

Oh, look at that one.

She's got that sweet mound to rub.

Nature's miracle.

You have a lot to teach me.

I'd totally hump that bump.

Lame, I know.

Hr had me make a phone tree.

You know, in case of terrorist attacks,

so I got your number.

And you're getting school credit for that?

Yeah, but I don't feel like I'm learning anything.

I'd love to pick your brain about how this place works.

And thank you for before.

Can I buy you a drink after work?

I've only been here for, like, less than a year.

Sara knows way more than I do.

Yeah, I don't really know her, though.

And you already kinda schooled me on the coffee.

So you're kinda my mentor.

And my last mentor, Mr. Varga, is in jail

for a touch-related incident.

So I'm kinda counting on you.

Uh, sure, if it's early.

And like, two blocks from here.

Okay, great, awesome, okay.

Yes!

- Oh! - Oh, say it, say I was right!

You were right.

Profoundly right.

Harder.

Sorry, harder always sounds dumb.

Also, harder's a little emasculating.

Like I can't do it hard enough.

No, you're doing great. Don't stop.

Don't stop's kind of insulting.

Am I so out of shape that I might stop?

Okay, don't ruin new mattress sex.

So, what did you want to know about online fashion discounts?

Honestly, nothing.

I just think you're cool and pretty,

and I really wanted to hang out with you.

Wow. That's really straightforward of you.

Yeah, I've been told I'm a bit of a romantic.

It's not like I own the notebook on DVD or anything.

But I do think that it's a really, really good movie.

Yeah, I can't watch that movie around other people.

I ugly cry.

Y-you keep checking your phone.

Are you live tweeting this?

Intern likes me, Omfg, or whatever?

Oh, it's just this guy who should be texting me but isn't.

What guy wouldn't text you?

I know. Unfathomable.

You're a total cornball.

And...Whenever you're ready.