You Me Her

Last season on "You Me Her"...

It's really happening.

It is our two-month anniversary.

The things I'm gonna do to you when we get home...

Uh, so, this is a bit awkward, but

you postponed the last two scheduled signings,

and I just want to make sure that we're still on for Monday.

Yep. Tell Kylie and pop some corks.

Are you sure that you left for the right reasons?

And you're still getting divorced Monday

- and driving back to Seattle? - Yes.

I texted Emma that Jack and I would be out of the loft all day

so she could come deal with all the shit that we've been storing.

Did Izzy not know you'd be here?

Of course she knew I'd be here.

I think she wants us to scream

and throws things at each other.

What the fuck?

What the three of us did here was special.

I told you, Izzy, this was a mistake.

If you walk out that door, don't call.

You are dead to me.

Well, congratulations. You're pregnant.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

You have a right to know.

Why is she here again?

She was at a meeting.

So why is my Spidey sense screaming

that something weird's going down?

What the fuck are you doing here?

Yellow roses, the official flower of apology.

Em, what really matters is, what do you want?

I want this baby.

And I want my husband. And Izzy.

- ... glad that you'll be... - Iz!

- What?! - I'm pregnant.

And I'm keeping it.

I'm aware of how acutely fucked up this must seem.

And seven months ago, I would've thought the same thing.

She is never gonna feel permanent

in your world with your kid.

Actually, that's exactly what we were discussing on the way home.

We wanna make it official.

Wouldn't be my first Poly Commitment Ceremony.

If any one of us tries to leave again,

there's no coming back.

I hereby now pronounce you spiritually, soulfully,

and lovingly committed to one another forever and ever.

Whoo!

Ah. Oh.

Dear God, why is it so bright?

It's called morning.

Happens almost every day here in lovely Hawthorne Heights.

What do you say we, uh, break this little sex slump

before the nausea kicks in?

- Okay. - Mm, too late.

Mm.

Just, um, start without me!

Ugh.

So, our pregnant wife just told us to have sex

while listening to her barf.

I've never been so aroused.

Come closer and bring your penis.

- Coffee? - Yeah.

You look nice.

Thank you.

Ooh. Watch out for these.

- That's a household calamity waiting to happen. - My boots?

- How the hell did those get there? - I don't know.

You think maybe, like, a burglar came in

and tried on your boots and then used your toothbrush?

It's the only thing I can think of.

Very funny. Should we change the locks?

Poor baby maker.

I'll get you tea.

Okay, I am officially the anchor in this relationship.

Just, you know, cut me loose.

I won't be bitter.

That's nonsense, honey. You are the wind and the sails.

God, at least soothe me credibly.

- That was pretty good. - Hey, you know,

there's more to life than sex, weed, and booze.

No way.

I know. It sounded very strange to me, too, but...

exhibit "A." Iz, that's really sweet,

but you must be so bored.

I mean, good thing you work downtown

so you can grab a drink with Shaun and Nina, right?

Yeah. Totally.

Besides, traffic is a real bitch

when I get off my shift at Directions, so it works out.

- Yeah. - Mm.

And sometimes it stays bitchy

till, what, like, 2:07, 3:00 in the morning,

- depending on the night? - Yeah.

Wait a minute. So you're saying that a burglar didn't come in

and use her boots and her toothbrush?

So, have you guys just been getting your jollies off at my expense?

Hey, babe, seriously, just do your thing.

Actually, we all need to do our things.

Yep.

We're talking about masturbation, right?

Uh, I've been doing some research,

and it is becoming glaringly obvious

that we're doing poly, like, all wrong.

Did you know that trying to do everything in threes,

especially sex, is a poly foul?

That's very clever. Thank you.

But please don't ever do it again.

So this mean you guys are cool

with me meeting Nathan Malik for happy hour?

- Nathan from Hawthorne School? - Yeah.

He went through a nasty divorce,

and I figured I could give him some support.

Plus, Dave's not around.

He's on his stupid book tour, so...

Yeah, I guess you don't really have that many guy friends, huh?

- Yes, I do. - Who?

- Uh, guy friends? - Mm.

- Dave. - Yeah, you have Dave.

- He's a good friend. - Yeah.

Yeah, but didn't he just, like, come along with Carmen?

Like, buy this now and get this furry little rascal for free?

And G... Gabe.

Well, he's... he's your brother,

- so that's different. - And a friend. Very good friend.

Now there's Nathan.

Um, so, the baby doc appointment is Tuesday, right?

Yeah, the ninth.

- What, the ninth? - Yeah.

- T... today is the ninth. - Shit.

Yeah, how is it Tuesday already?

- We got to get going, guys. Come on. - Yeah.

It's Helen Wilberg.

Hello, Helen.

No, we're s... We're definitely still interested, so...

Okay. Well, thank you for the heads-up.

We... We will. Great.

Shit.

- That is not optimal. - What?

Somebody put a full-price offer on this house.

She's gonna do us a landlord solid

and give us 72 hours to match it.

Looks like the Hawthorne Heights decision window

- just got a whole lot smaller. - Mm.

Yeah.

Could this morning be any more stressful?

Dude!

Ooh, don't say that.

Guys, that's not a thing.

I didn't just "hex" us.

- I'm having what?! - Calm down.

They're twins, normal human girls,

not aliens or devil children.

You said you wanted two kids, right?

So you knocked 'em out with one swing.

Yeah, I did.

A month ago, there was just one.

Check again. Check again!

Little sister was hiding.

Give her the weird ancestor name.

Vengeance is yours.

Huh.

Oh, God.

Are you okay?

Oh, I mean, come on.

I'm sorry. It's just...

I mean, God damn it.

There's too much estrogen in this room, I guess.

I know feelings are hard.

So would it help to clumsily explain things

that we already know in this room?

No. It's unbelievable.

You know that fetuses require estrogen?

To grow. Whether they're male or female.

In fact, twins require not two times as much,

but three times as much.

Thanks, Jack.

Sure.

There it is.

Carm, you know I'd love to watch the girls,

- but, um, the doc said I have bed rest. - "Bed rest"?

I didn't hear her say "bed rest."

Ooh, you better sharpen up your lying skills there, Em.

It's a vital part of parenting.

- My God, you're having twins! - Yeah, I heard.

Hey, you know what's a perfect training for raising two girls?

Two girls.

Carm, I seriously wanna help, I do,

but if I want to nail this interview tonight,

I gotta prep like crazy, and, you know,

you are the one who said,

"Can't work at home with kids," so...

Wait, you're still doing that after what the doctor said?

Remember? With your history and your advanced ag...

Based mostly on your history,

we need to be careful, right?

Carmen, would you like a coffee?

- I would love one. - Great.

But let's just take a beat to get real, okay?