Get a Job

You know what my first memory is?

Feeling special.

The first time I pooped, there was applause.

When we scribbled something in crayon, it was a Picasso.

Gold stickers for everyone.

C+ in gym? Perfect attendance? "Hey, here's 100 bucks."

When we hit a new level on Wave Race,

it was like we won the Olympics.

For kids of my generation, strike three meant one thing:

take your base.

Look out, world. Here we come.

Closer, closer, closer. There we go.

- Look at that. - Aw, you are so cute together.

Adorable. So, Jillian,

Will tells us that you are going to start working at Johnson & Johnson.

- That's fantastic! - Thank you. Yeah, I'm excited to start.

Sales Analyst. It sounds so impressive.

Junior Sales Analyst. But the "Junior" is gonna be gone by Christmas.

Ah. And Will's finally being paid at LA Weekly.

- Way to go, you two. - I know.

I told you guys, we're a power couple.

Will, there's a little something to get you started.

Wow!

Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Mom.

Will, did I ever tell you what my first job was?

Was it, by any chance, stacking crates of tomatoes in a warehouse, Dad?

Correct.

Must have been 100 degrees in that warehouse.

- You know what got me through? - I'm gonna go with air conditioning.

Air conditioning.

There was one office that was air conditioned.

High above the floor.

It was for the warehouse supervisor.

And I told myself right then and there,

"I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but I'm going to get to that office."

Didn't that guy have a heart attack, Dad?

It was an aneurysm. The point is, I worked my way up

until I was in charge of the entire North American supply chain.

I am proof there's nothing you can't achieve.

Exactly, and that's why I'm saying this LA Weekly thing

is really just a springboard for me.

'Cause, I mean, I'm gonna dominate their Web edition.

I've got videos, live blogging, interactive content.

- I'm building my brand. - Brand?

- You spent the money on a TV? - Yeah.

That's one of the largest televisions available on the market today.

Seventy inches. What?

You want to know why we're not living together?

- Exhibit A. - Boo!

Hey, J. La. Was that your sister at graduation?

- No. - Are you sure?

Mm-mm.

I saw her, like, hugging your parents and giving your dad a little...

I mean, can I get her phone number?

- Is this the iStalkU? - It's the iSearchU.

- If you could just mind your business. - What is iStalkU?

The iSearchU?

It's just an app that I'm developing.

Say there's a person that you want to find, but they don't want to be found.

Like, there's this girl, and you've called her a million times,

and she just won't return your messages.

My app allows you to send them a text message and, whoo!

Receive back their exact location.

So there's nowhere to hide, Jillian's sister. Nowhere.

No, you cannot have her number.

I'll find your sister.

You're gonna end up in iJail getting iRaped.

And I'm gonna handle the iStock IPO!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

- You don't even have a job. - I got a business degree.

Unlike Broke Nuts over here, I have marketable skills.

Unlike you, Broke Nuts has a job.

I have nine interviews this week.

Today, it's Morgan Stanley...

and Great Pacific.

I love you all. Get your lives together.

- Good luck, dude. - Good luck.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to be my guest?

Hi, have we met? I'm Jillian.

- God. Boo! - Stop booing me, Charlie.

Just one time. Just smoke with me.

Make an exception. We're celebrating.

- Charlie got a job today. - McDonald's or Taco Bell?

Middle school chemistry teacher.

What?

I weep for our future.

Fuck me in the ass! Fuck me!

Hey, Brian.

Hey, Will. Looking good, buddy.

We don't have a job for you.

- What do you mean? - I mean, we don't have a job for you.

We've downsized.

Yeah, but I'm perfect for this job.

I'm sorry, Will. Thank you very much.

Look, Brian, I got three Webisodes all ready to upload...

"Where to Find the Best Beef Machaca," "How to Bike the LA River,"

and "Why Ultimate Frisbee is More Complex Than Chess."

You're not alone. I had to let eight people go last week.

Why didn't you tell me?

Honestly, with everything going on around here, I just...

I forgot. Good.

You forgot? I spent two summers interning here for free

so that I could have a job waiting for me after graduation, and you forgot.

Look, I've already told everybody about this job.

I told my friends and my family and my parents about this job, and you forgot!

Well, guess what, Brian? You can't do this kind of shit, man!

I deserve to be treated a little better than this.

And I think you owe me a little more than "I forgot."

Will...

Uh...

I don't owe you shit.

"Systems administrator"? No.

"Nuclear pipe technician"?

No, you haven't laid that much pipe, so...

I've laid a lot of pipe, Charles. Ask your mother.

Sick burn.

- "Unemployment benefits administrator." - Yeah, dude, that one.

That'd be ironic.

It's not ironic if it's all the time.

You know what's all the time? Ball taps and kills.

Dude, don't play dirty, man. Don't play dirty.

Oh, shit.

Dude, I honestly have no idea what any of this shit means.

Well, you better figure it out soon. The rent is due Friday.

I know. I just need something to keep the lights on until I find my dream job.

I don't think you can monetize masturbation.

It was too good.

Oh, here's something in the hospitality industry.

You don't have any sort of medical degree.

Okay, there's a gun in the drawer, but you probably won't need it.

All right. Good night, kid.

There are Negroes on this boat!

I'm sorry to hear that.

You the new guy?

- Uh, yeah, I am new. - Skeezy D.

Will.

Three rooms. Keep the change.

Girl, you better treat this man right.

He was in Vietnam.

Korea.

Get in there and bust a nut, Hawkeye Pierce!

Hell, Cheryl's one of my best girls.

- Hard worker? - That pussy comes correct.

- Where'd you meet her? - Met her at my last gig.

- Which... where was that? - Borders.

Hmm?

Borders... Borders bookstore?

Listen, man, shit went sideways, okay?

Everybody was out of work. I had to get out of there real quick.

So, why "Skeezy D"?

Men who hire prostitutes aren't paying them for sex, Will.

They're paying for danger.

They're paying to feel alive.

Hey, motherfucker, you better pay my bitch what you owe.

They're paying for a certain joie de vivre.

Joie de vivre?

That's French.

I'm not resisting arrest. Okay, I'm not resisting arrest.

Okay, I'm not resisting arrest. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not.

Hey, bitch, we had a deal!

You were renting out rooms to hookers?

- Skeezy said they're here every... - No, no.

That's not the kind of establishment I'm running here.

Read the sign there, kid. It says "No prostitution."

That clearly includes hookers.

You're fired.

I'm sorry, Officer. I just got to be a little more careful about who I hire.

- You do that. - Yeah. Will do. Will do.

Thanks for everything you do, Officer.

Sorry, kid.

Shit rolls downhill. You know what I'm saying?

You get it. You get it. You'll be all right.

Son of a bitch!

- Hey, Dad? - Hmm?

I gotta ask you for money.

Will, you're a grown-up now.

I'm not gonna give you any more money.

Dad, what am I supposed to do? You want me to go

sell my body on the street?

Enough of the life lessons here, man. I am broke.

I literally have no money for anything.

I lost my job.

Are you serious?

Afraid so.

Well, what happened?

Apparently, I was so successful

at streamlining the beverage supply chain

that I made my own job obsolete. Hmm.

So, what are you gonna do?

I'm going to get a job!

I'm gonna follow my ABC's, stay positive,

and in the interim, look!

I can tackle all the chores I never had time for.

You guys gotta get your lives together.

Top 1%, here I come, baby!

Hey, this guy got a job.

It's called Top Deck Securities. I start clerking next month.

If I kick ass, I'll be making trades by December.

From this point on, it's gonna be coffee and cocaine for me, baby.