Superior Donuts

So, what do you think?

Heh. Are you the sheriff of a Chuck E. Cheese?

Are you a pilot for Definitely a Virgin Airlines?

Fawz got me a temporary gig working security.

That's right, we've had some break-ins

at one of my apartment buildings,

so I hired a couple of expert security guards,

and Tush.

Why didn't you ask me?

I've been a police officer for 30 years.

Oh, my God, I'm such an idiot. Of course!

Randy, do you know any cops who might be interested?

Me! I'm on a leave of absence.

I could use the extra money.

- Great. You're hired. - Oh.

Oh. And one more thing.

Every time I enter the lobby, you have to salute me.

Oh. Can I use my middle finger?

So that's a no on the salute.

I have great news.

You found another bathroom to use?

Aw, we'll miss you.

No. I just booked my first catering gig.

- Congratulations, Sofia. - Thank you.

Arthur, I need somewhere to prep.

- Can I rent your kitchen for the night? - Nah.

- No one uses my kitchen. - Oh, c...

- Please? I'll pay you 300 bucks. - No.

Yo, we're not open tonight. What's the big deal?

1988. Barbara O'Bannon wanted to make pies here

for a fund-raiser.

A crew of two turned into 12.

The next day my sprinkles were gone.

And there was jelly on my ceiling.

Thank God. I thought that was blood.

Guess I'll call the guys

who own the diner over at Ashland.

They're always asking me to speak Spanish to them.

That's nice.

They're Korean. It's weird.

Yo, if you're worried about your kitchen,

why don't you pay me to work that night?

I can keep an eye on Sofia.

Mm, I bet you'll keep an eye on Sofia.

: Whoo...!

Okay, what are you talking about?

And why do you sound like a flamboyant ghost?

Oh, come on.

We've all seen it.

How you laugh at her stupid jokes,

choking down that healthy garbage she sells.

Come on, face it,

you got a crush on her.

: Whoo...!

Okay, do you have any idea how ridiculous y'all sound right now?

Oh, don't be embarrassed. I think it's cute.

Yeah, me, too.

Hey, look, if renting out my kitchen

helps you court this young lady, then great.

Might turn into a carriage ride, huh?

- If she gets chilly, you offer her your coat. - Oh. So, what,

go back to the 1800s?

'Cause that wasn't a great time for my people.

Diner guys said no.

Well, look no further,

'cause Arthur said you can use his kitchen.

Under the condition that Franco is with you.

: Whoo...!

What's going on?

Okay, so, uh, these guys think

I volunteered to watch you

because I want to go on a date with you.

Oh. Well, it's a little too late for that.

Why?

What?

Well... we've already hooked up.

Does "hooked up" mean what I think it means?

It means...

: Whoo...!

Hey, hey. We're done with that, man.

Are we?

BOTH (high-pitched): Whoo...!

Well, well, well.

You two have been sneaking around

and secretly dating.

Ain't a secret, ain't sneakin', ain't datin'.

And ain't really none of your business.

Ah, well, we respect your privacy, Sofia.

But we don't respect Franco's.

They do not.

Okay, so I'll let you enjoy all this. Bye.

Get a life.

What up, Shorty La-La?

Nope. Not doing nicknames.

What's got into her?

Apparently, Franco. (chuckling)

Why would you...

So you finally

told them about you and Sofia, huh?

How do you know? I didn't tell you.

We live in a tiny apartment, man.

Just because you zip me up in my sleeping bag

does not mean I can't hear stuff.

Well, I'm glad you two are dating, Franco.

Yeah, it's been a long time since you had a girlfriend.

Would you stop? We're not dating.

And she's not my girlfriend.

Nobody does that anymore... People our age don't put labels

- on everything like you guys did. - That's just what

two hot people do when they get together.

Uh, thank you for the creepy compliment, man.

Look, I just got into college, all right?

I don't have time for any of that serious stuff.

That's kind of how the kids are these days.

Except, of course, my daughter, the nerd.

Her and her boyfriend are taking things slow.

They study together,

watch movies in the dorm,

you know, hang out as friends.

- Ha! - Ha!

- "Study together." - Hook up in the library.

- "Watch movies." - Hook up in his room.

- "Hang out as friends." - Hook up in her room.

Aw, damn!

She's a chip off the old block.

You know, Franco,

I think that your generation likes to keep things casual

because you, uh, you're afraid of getting rejected.

No, look, no, you just got to put yourself out there.

Look, that's how I got Joanie.

- "Got Joanie"? - Yeah.

Like in exchange for a cow and bag of magic beans?

Well, laugh all you want,

but we were happily married for 45 years.

Well, as tempting as it is to take dating advice

from a bunch of single people over 50...

I'm cool with the way things are.

And Sofia is, too.

So if my daughter says she's "cramming for finals..."

You don't want to know.

Okay, rookie, let's go over a few simple procedures.

Tush, I'm a cop.

- I think I can handle this. - (laughs)

You may know the streets,

but an apartment lobby, whole different beast.

Okay, smart-ass,

tell me this... what is the highest threat

to personal safety in this building right now?

It's feeling like this conversation.

The garage.

The perp waits behind a vehicle,

and then slips under the rolling door as it closes.

Interesting. I was just gonna tell you

all the places you can nap

without being seen on the security cameras.

You nap on the job?

Pretty sweet way to make 20 bucks an hour, huh?

Wait. $20?

I'm making $17.

Really?

Well, maybe that's because I was the assistant floor manager

at a tractor factory.

I'm a cop,

and a million times more qualified than you.

Just because I'm a man doesn't mean that wasn't hurtful.

Gee, I bet Fawz is paying me less because I'm a woman.

I can't wait to bust him on this.

Okay, but just keep this between you and Fawz.

I can't afford to get involved.

I need a job on my résumé that I didn't get fired from...

or start a fire at.

So you're not gonna back me up on this?

No.

But don't let me stop you...

You should speak up for yourself.

Back at the factory,

I found out that other guys were making more than me,

so I marched into the boss's office

and I insisted on a raise.

- What happened? - A week later

they shut down the factory, moved everything to China.

Oh, my God, I cost 300 people their jobs.

Ooh, let's get Chinese tonight.

Okay, just a few ground rules.

This area over here, off limits.

- That's the sink. - All right,

the sink is fine, but the rest... off limits.

I have memorized

every square inch of this place, and I expect to find it

- exactly the way I left it. - Okay.

So, open bag of flour, next to a bucket

of stale grease, on top of what looks like a shoe.

Oh, that's where my shoe went.

Also, don't use this chopping block

for anything other than chopping.

Unless "chopping" means... (whistling)

In which case, no chopping.

Okay, I resent the fact that you think I would have sex

on your dirty-ass counter, all right?

I'm more of a walk-in freezer freak.