A Grand Mockery

Dear Sal.

Good afternoon.

It is 15:23 and I'm sitting with the Tony's on the bench

on the hillside beneath the frangipani.

A dry wind is blowing and dead leaves

scuttle across the expanse of graves.

A lorikeet rockets past my head

with a singular ear-piercing shriek.

I see a few crows...

...flying in a strange sideways manner,

lurching against the gale.

A cloud of pigeons erupts from a nearby treetop

and their trajectory seems

to work favourably with the winds

for they hurtle by with a speed I have rarely

perceived before in pigeon-kind.

I marinate in the sunshine.

In the salubrious secretions of the departed.

Two white cockatoos cross the horizon

where Brisbane lies baking in the distance.

I think of bushfires.

I think of our country going up in flames.

Now sitting here with the

accumulated jars beneath Tony's bench,

I ponder the expansion of our cemetery postal system.

From Vyvyan's row to Wendelin in the pine grove,

James and Elizabeth beneath

the rivened ironbark tree to Tony's lookout,

I feel as though we've both

gotten to know the cemetery so well,

the resident sleepers may have already put aside plots for us.

Perhaps departed promotions await.

See, I just find the Karens

hilarious most of the time.

Yeah, I don't know. There's been a few...

Been a few issues with, uh, coffee.

-Morning. -Morning.

Ah, coffee machine on yet?

-Yes. -Could you get me a long black?

Ah-- Uh, yeah--

- Morning. - Morning Josie, how you doing?

Yeah, good, you?

I served a woman,

and she asked for her coffee

but specifically asked me not to make it. And--

Ah, coffee machine on yet?

You're living with a junky,

you're living with a speed addict,

you're living with a slut,

you're living with a thief.

And you've got her up there.

Have a go you mug and see how far you get.

You're the one that carted her up there.

You're the one that's got her up there, not me.

Pay absolutely no interest 'til February next year!

Lounge suites, 400 off!

Bedroom, 200 off!

Ensembles half-price!

Look at these! 100 off! 200 off!

Tomorrow, bargains galore!

Lounge, sofas, mattresses, bookcases, video units, desks

and queen size beds, all discounted!

Prices never cheaper!

100 off, 40% off.

These, half price! Half price! And again half price!

Famous SleepMaker Miracoil, 200 off!

Price massacre color catalogue out now! Super Amart!

Good evening. Shortly, the man who says

he's living in a dead body.

Are you...

...in-- in pain?

Yes I was. Yeah.

Here, let me get that.

Thank you, Josie.

Thank you for having me.

Yeah, that's quite a--

it's quite a wound.

I fell heavily.

'Cause I had a bottle of wine in my right hand, and I, um...

- ...landed heavily on my left. - Yeah.

I-- I had a blackout.

And I woke up in--

under the trees in the garden.

Mmm.

And then I started to

try to get out of it.

And I-- I couldn't

pull myself up.

- That was-- That was probably from the-- - Oh, Jesus!

the tree.

And when I was in AA this morning,

I had my hand on my leg.

And I didn't realise it but all the blood

was coagulating on my leg.

- Fuck. - And I thought...

...if anyone sees it in AA they're gonna go,

"What have you-- What have you been up to?"

Is it-- can I?

Do you, uh...

Out of it for at least an hour or two.

And then my ear gets cut off.

You made it back, I heard you make it back here.

Is the camel?

I feel like the camel's just being a camel, you know?

So the spirit world is realer than this world.

...created was like,

coming into existence somewhere else.

That's s-- stupid, isn't it?

No...

Yeah, just get me a beer, thanks.

We're-- We're all-- We're all shut, sorry mate.

All-- all shut for the evening.

I've got cash, I can pay you with cash.

All the-- All the tills are shut down, we're...

-Closed the bar. Sorry mate. -Well, the machine's still on.

Yeah, I-- I can't--

I can't sell you anything, we're--

We're shut, for-- for the evening,

we shut-- shut pretty early these days.

Sorry.

Yeah I just wanted a beer, they're right there.

Don't know what to tell you.

Sorry. Eh...

You know, you can tell--

- You can tell what was in-- in the-- - No!

the-- the gentleman's stomach.

So it's like, he-- he comes to the bar.

And is like, "Give me the big popcorn.

Give me the big Pepsi." And then he consumes it all.

- And then... - ...vomits it

into the cup at the front of the cinema!

And then just leaves it there, and he's like:

"I'm gonna leave this little nugget."

I thought a cinema job was like a walk in the park.

No, no. Strange people... Strange people.

Strange people come to the movies

at all hours of the day and night.

Because they're sitting alone in the darkness,

-they can do what they want. -Oh, my God...

I told you about that--

-that row of kids that -I guess I--

I walked in, all, like, fellating each other

- right? I told you that one! - What?

-Yeah, people don't realise! People don't-- -Oh my God!

- It's a quiet world of depravity in there.

I hope it's okay.

- Yeah, it's okay. - It's o--

-Okay. -Yeah, this is okay.

Oh, you guys are doing so well.

Banana... What's this one? Another banana?

Yeah, but it's a blue banana.

You wanna use that green?

Yeah! Okay, I've got to focus on my dinosaur.

Right.

This is the start of a few rounds,

and I think the worst of it is yet to come.

We'll take a look at the radar, in our

full weather wrap...

Exercise is the key, not only to physical health

but also peace of mind.

Dennis is here today to show us

how we can have both a healthy body and a peaceful mind.

All without leaving our chair or couch,

- d-- good to see you, buddy! - G'day James,

that's right, look, would you believe I'm actually

- exercising right now? - Yeah, right.

Just as I'm talking to you.

Because passive sitting

- really is a killer. - Huh?

Did you know that studies have linked

being sedentary with being overweight?

"So how you doing Josie?

What's new? Tell me about your life."

- Thanks for asking, um, I'm-- I'm good.

Just been working a lot.

Mostly-- mostly nights, but that's--

that's okay. Been busy, just...

...drawing and...

...getting drunk.

"What about, ah-- What about...

...what's her face? Your-- Your lady?"

Nelly! "Yeah, yeah, um..."

Yeah, she's good. She's good. She's

busy as well.

Working a lot, like me.

Anyway, enough about me, how are--

What's new with you?

"Ah, you know me, Josie,

just sitting here, fucking staring at the TV.

Waiting for the-- for the icy embrace of death."

You don't mean that.

How is this, anyway?

Looks disgusting.

Oh yeah, that's disgusting.

I'm sorry! It was on special.

All right, all right. Stop playing around. Come on.

There we go.

Snug as a bug.

You good? You comfy?

What are you thinking about? Tell me a story.