M*A*S*H

Hey, Radar, why don't you eat with us?

Okay.

That's a nice‐looking hors d'oeuvre.

Would you like a doggy bag in advance?

Oh, don't give him a doggy bag.

He eats those, too, with cream and sugar.

Hey, what's the matter, kid? Come on.

You gotta stay in training for the Olympic Glutton Team.

I'll see you guys later.

‐What about your lunch? ‐I'm not eating.

That's a first.

Radar not eating.

Not eating?

We saw it with our own eyes.

‐Aw, come on. ‐Henry, we were there.

You know, yesterday I walked in here

and found him on top of that filing cabinet

in the fetal position.

The fetal position?

Dr. Freud, call your office, please.

And this morning, General Clayton called for the monthly report,

and Radar told him "We don't deliver."

Well, we don't.

Not after 6.

That's not the point.

Colonel Blake.

I'm in conference, Major.

What I have to say is important.

I love shy, retiring women.

Colonel Blake, I requisitioned

surgical silk for the O. R.,

and I was sent two boxes of ordinary cotton thread.

What are we supposed to do with that?

How about learning petit point?

The next time you see me, I want a salute, Captain.

Shall we make it in the women's shower, Major?

You'd better do something

about the requisition foul‐ups, Colonel‐‐

not your usual something,

but something that means something.

I wonder how she'd like

some plaster of Paris in her shaving cream?

Cotton thread. Do you know how long it's been

since Radar screwed up a requisition?

Henry, he's cracking up.

Or sick. Or both.

Hey.

Hey, suppose we give him a complete physical,

take him through a real workup.

Henry, that's a good idea.

Well, I sometimes get them.

Okay, Muscles, step behind the screen.

Hey, you know, you're cute.

Just take the picture.

Kill the lights, Cutler.

Hawkeye, do you mind?!

Keep your voice down.

You're disturbing the patient!

She's not botherin' me.

Really, Hawkeye!

You act like such a child at times!

Is it high?

High? According to this,

your blood should have whitecaps.

Come on, snap it up, will you, Radar?

Look, don't rush me. It makes me nervous.

Whistling doesn't help, you know.

Ah, come on, get on with it.

Get it right this time, and I'll give you a lollipop.

Listen, everything is negative.

‐You're in good shape. ‐Told you I was all right.

If you were any healthier, you could be In the Army.

Yeah. It's not organic.

Right. Your body is 1‐A.

But your mind if 4‐F.

You know, I've seen these symptoms before.

It's called goldbricking.

My prescription is a little extra duty.

Frank, would you mind not being so true red‐white‐and‐blue

first thing in the morning?

Look, Radar, this examination

only answers half the questions.

Now come on, tell us.

What's bugging you?

It's nothing.

Is that why you walk around

staring at your navel?

Although I don't know anybody else who would.

It's nothing, I said.

Now listen to me, soldier.

We're all in this together with a common goal‐‐

to serve our country and repel the godless horde from the north

that would engulf our way of life.

‐Frank. ‐Hmm?

He's okay, but you're making me sick.

Godless horde?

Oh, nertz to you.

Nertz?

Come on, Radar. Let us help you.

Tell us, what's‐what's turnin' you into a fruitcake?

Come on, kid. What is it?

Put it on and see.

Hi, there, Radar.

This is Linda Sue, comin' to you from the glass booth

of Holtzman's Department Store.

Everything is real good here,

and, being as how you and I are engaged,

I think you should be the first to know

I'm going to marry Elroy Fimple.

Now, please don't take it too hard

'cause I know we're all gonna be real good friends

if you come back alive.

Just a minute now.

Hiya, ol' buddy!

Say, I'm awful sorry about what happened,

but I guess you have to charge it up

to ol' Mother Nature.

Well, you know how it is.

And I sure hope you understand.

Good luck, and keep knockin' off them commies.

Bye now!

Goodbye, Radar!

I'll always have a soft place in my‐‐

‐Elroy! ‐(Elroy snickering)

‐It's a glass booth! ‐(Elroy giggling)

Elroy!

Quit kissing that part, can you?

Elroy!

A "Dear John" recording.

Listen, Radar, I know it's rough‐‐

Look, this shouldn't be so hard.

What cures a man of a broken heart?

Heavy alimony?

A date with Radar?

Yeah, let him take you to the movies.

Oh, he's a nice enough guy, but...

How 'bout tonight?

I can't, I'm busy.

I've got a date.

Oh, I'm sure. With whom?

You.

Who else can we think of?

Just a movie, O'Brien.

Or a walk over to the rec tent for a beer.

Forget it.

Try it once.

Look, I promise you he'll shave,

and he won't wear his wool cap.

I'll even get him to clean his glasses.

I'm very fond of him,

but I'm not going out with Corporal Radar O'Reilly,

and that's that.

Would you hand me my towel, please?

Dry yourself with this.

Trapper!

And I hope your shower cap springs a leak.

He's bright, he's a good talker.

He's got a warm personality when you get to know him.

Radar? Oh, come on!

Now, look. Now, listen.

Just try to imagine this.

You go for a walk in the moonlight down by the river.

Take along a blanket and a bottle of wine...

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐Hmm?

You sit in a secluded spot.

There's just the sound of the rippling water.

Mmmm.

And then after that it's just

soft, moist, warm, passionate kisses.

Oh, yeah, Hawkeye. Yeah...

Oh, hey, well, what about Radar?

Radar who?

What?

Well, listen, thanks for the try, guys, anyway.

‐Look‐‐ ‐I really appreciate it.

It just happens everybody in camp was busy.

Don't let it make you feel bad.

Yeah.

Radar, you got to understand

no woman's worth that kind of anguish.

Now look, let's face it.

I struck out in the World Series of love.

Radar, just suffer. Don't try to write.

Lieutenant, you'll stay here.

Lieutenant, come with me.

Corporal, get the lieutenant's bags.

Uh, yes, sir.

Thanks.

That's sweet of you.

Um, Corporal?

‐Hmm? ‐Your hand.

Oh, that's all right. I am not using it now.

Did you see her, Hawkeye?

She's beautiful.

I know. I heard the violins.

Actually, this is a very nice bottle of wine.

It's got a picture of a vineyard on the label

just to show it was made outta grapes.

What a nice gesture, Captain.

Thank you very much.