American Housewife

Anna-Kat, are you done with your breakfast?

Anna-Kat!

Did you know the Wildflower Girls Camp

has a ropes course, canoeing, and horseback riding?

Yeah... kids change.

The packing list says that fifth graders and above

need to bring feminine hygiene products,

which means this could be my year!

Can you believe it?

Anna-Kat is going to sleepaway camp!

We have taken her from being a weirdo

to a strong, confident girl.

She just gave her dad a high-five about menstruating.

She still has a little weirdo left in her.

Kate. Donks.

Read the latest draft of the book. Love it.

The ending still needs a little work, so meet me in our office.

Uh, we might be working late, so I brought you

some of those canned protein drinks for old women.

This is the fifth conclusion he's shot down.

I keep trying to be poignant, but I guess

I'll just give him what he wants... a happy ending.

Thanks for not saying anything.

Mm-hmm.

Mom!

The list for graduation came out, and I'm not on it!

It's only two days away! What was it?

You didn't turn a paper in?

You forgot to fill out some forms?

No, my freshman year, I gave you a library book to return,

and you never did.

That sounds about right.

I'm not going to graduate because of you!

Okay, calm down. I'm your mother.

I'll take care of it.

Okay. Thank you.

And, Taylor, a little gratitude would be nice.

I literally just said "Thank you."

To be fair, I wasn't listening.

I like all your endings,

but they're not making me want to hit "Subscribe."

I don't know what else to say about your life.

You're only 25 years old.

You shoot your friends with paintball guns,

then buy them fast-food franchises.

I dodo that.

I still think we need a great ending,

and you and I are not gonna rest until we come up with one.

That's smart.

I need my lady sharp tonight.

Next year's gonna be amazing. We'll be juniors.

We can drive ourselves to school.

We'll be in that hot Spanish teacher's class.

Both: Señora Campos!

So, me and Kelly, we didn't know if we were gonna stay together

while she's at Penn and I'm at Tufts.

But then we took that online quiz.

"Are You and Your High School Sweetheart Built to Last?"

And it looks like we totally are.

Well, Trip and I don't have to worry about that.

Yeah, she's staying in town taking a gap year,

and I'm going to college.

I'm just not sure where to apply yet.

You had to apply months ago.

Oh.

I guess I'm taking a gap year, too.

We should take the quiz anyway.

Just for fun.

Well, yeah, even if it's just for fun,

I'm supposed to get extra time to take it.

It's in my chart.

What do you mean, you don't want me to go to camp?!

It looks so fun!

There's no more dangerous place in the world than summer camp.

Except maybe Olive Garden.

Those unlimited bread sticks are dangerous to my waistline.

How could it be dangerous?

It's just super-fun activities.

They have dodgeball.

More like death-ball.

Water skiing.

Water-dying.

Arts and crafts.

Arts and dying. I can do this all day.

Wow.

I was so excited, but I hadn't really considered all the...

All the dying? I know. No one does.

I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to say no to this idea.

I'm glad I talked to you before I went.

I probably saved your life today.

Slow down, punks.

Katie! Just the person I wanted to see.

Ablin, for the thousandth time, I don't plan parties anymore,

so I'm not going to do your strange wedding.

It's not strange to wear a kilt.

You're not Scottish.

I get sweaty when I get nervous,

and it's the only socially acceptable way

for me to ventilate my nethers.

Ugh.

Excuse me.

Tara. What are you doing here?

I volunteer two afternoons a week.

Because Icare about giving back to the community.

What do you want, Katie?

I have to pay Taylor's library fine so that she can graduate.

The book is four years late.

Paying a fine isn't even an option anymore.

Just says "See administrator."

Tara, can you just help me out?

I promise I'll stop bringing the class

vegan cupcakes that are not even remotely vegan.

You what?

You can't bake without eggs. Everyone knows that.

Even you stupid vegans.

Even if I wanted to help you... which I don't...

I can't.

It's a computer thing, and I don't have the code

to override the system.

Who does?

So, you want your daughter to graduate,

but she can't unless I punch in my administrative override code.

What to do? What to do?

Fine!

I'll plan your wedding.

Great.

So, during summer break,

Maria and I wish to take a riverboat trip together.

But Mother will not let us travel in sin.

You're a grown man.

One might say an old man.

Why do you still listen to your mother?

Because I don't want to get grounded.

In any event, we must be wed in the next two days.

The riverboat leaves out of Chicago

shortly after graduation.

It's not gonna be easy to throw together a wedding at the last second.

What's your budget?

$195. Ugh.

We spent all our money on the riverboat cruise,

but it's top-of-the-line.

We're only sharing our room with four other couples.

I guess I could pull together a small...

No. Maria's always dreamed of a big wedding.

Can you get the guest list together in time?

Oh, that'll be easy.

Neither of us have much family,

and our friend will be out of town that day.

Then how is it going to be big?

That's up to you to figure out,

if you want your daughter to graduate.

Anything else?

Yes.

Maria wants to walk down the aisle to bagpipes,

and she wants the whole thing professionally videoed.

You want all that for $195?

Ooh!

Actually...

$191.55.

I got a Starbucks this morning.

Basically, I'm being blackmailed.

In order for Taylor to graduate, I have to plan Ablin's wedding.

That's so unfair.

Actually, it's kind of my fault.

Yeah, I had a feeling.

Where am I going to find 200 warm bodies

to sit quietly and watch a couple of strangers get married?

Well, would you say there'd be 200 of those warm bodies

at graduation?

Are you saying that Ablin and Maria

should get married in the middle of graduation?

You've got the crowd, you've got the venue.

And there are already drinks and desserts afterward,

so you don't have to pay for a reception.

Oh, my God! This could actually work!

I suppose I have to ask for permission.

Who is in charge of the graduation committee?

Tara Summers.

Huh.

If I didn't know better,

I'd think all my feuds make my life more difficult.

I'm done with the quiz.

I just finished my last question.

Here we go.

Whoo! We did it!

What are you talking about?

It says we're a "dumpster fire of a couple."

Yeah. Dumpster fires are good.

They make the lighting in the alley all cool

for when the turtles come out of the sewer

and beat up bad guys and eat pizza and stuff.

No, dumpster fires are not good, Trip.

This quiz says we're never gonna make it!

Babe, are you serious right now?

It's just an online quiz.

But Bailey and Garrett took it, and they broke up because of it.

And they were perfect together.

Bailey and Garrett don't have what we have.