Baby Daddy

And that's how you get a little girl to stop crying.

You know, I'm more concerned with how to get a big boy to stop dancing.

Seriously, dad, it is so not a big deal.

I'm totally cool.

Yeah, yeah, I'll talk to you later. All right.

Oh my God, my life is over.

Oh my God, you're overreacting.

Sometimes, when you see what it looks like, it will make you stop.

My dad canceled our trip to Tahiti.

Now I've got a week off with no prospects,

nowhere to go, and no money.

God, when did I turn into Ben?

Hey, I have some personal days.

Maybe we could staycation together.

Oh, that would be so much fun.

Yeah, sure, if you're you getting to hang out with me.

But what about my fun?

My life is about to change forever.

Well, you're tall and have big hands,

so the transition shouldn't be too hard.

You're gonna regret that later.

Mr. Jon Bon Jovi

is selling his New York penthouse,

he is looking for a realtor,

and I think his search is over.

Hi, Jon. I'm Bonnie Wheeler.

To sell a property as special as yours,

you could go with a realtor with decades of experience,

or you could go with...

Me, the ultimate fan,

who conceived not one, but two kids

to shot through the heart.

Jon, I know I may be living on a prayer,

but I promise I will sell your place,

dead or alive.

Bonnie Wheeler. I give real estate a bad name.

Mom...

I thought dad burned down the Bon Jovi shrine.

He did.

I rebuilt it.

Now, does that convince you to go to the concert with me?

No...

And I probably shouldn't go anywhere for about 15 minutes.

Fine, but if you don't hear from me by Saturday,

you'll know I got on their tour bus.

Just take a friend.

One who doesn't do this.

Hey, can I get you guys anything?

You know, like, a beer, or perhaps some birth control?

Maybe you can help me convince your brother how amazing Rubber Fox is.

Rubber Fox? I love them.

Wait, are you going to their show tonight?

They've been sold out for weeks.

- You wanna come? - Hell yeah.

- Hell no. - What's wrong?

You just told me to take a friend.

Yeah, friend,

as long as they're female, or gay, or both.

Besides, Ben's working.

Hey, Carter, you clock me out later,

and I'll clock you in early tomorrow?

- Sure. - (Grunts) Yes!

And I'm officially not working.

Okay, I just gotta get home, wash up,

and put some new strings on my air guitar.

I'll meet you at the garden.

And I'm gonna go home and change,

and then pick Ben up at the garden,

because the concert's not there.

Just so you know, that's not gonna end well.

So, tuck, I see you decided to take a little staycation after all,

one that you just didn't invite me to join.

Riley, I thought we went over this.

My vacation is six days, seven nights, and zero Rileys.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go wash off this suntan lotion.

I don't know why you people love it so much.

Officially the best day ever!

My video resume worked,

and I am one of two finalists

to sell Bon Jovi's penthouse.

We are talking pools, tennis court,

and a commission check that will help me follow my dreams.

- What dreams? - To get the hell out of real estate.

Did you say pool?

No, I said, "pools,"

as in, "I'm so rich, I built a second pool,

"because I forgot I already had one."

- So the place is vacant? - Yeah, yeah.

I just need to find a rich guy with deep pockets.

Oh man.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I could afford that place myself.

What about a rich woman?

Like my boss, Mary hart.

Yeah, if you show me the apartment,

I'll talk it up to Mary.

You would do that for me?

Oh my God, Tucker. Thank you!

- I'm sorry, what? - Boob canyon!

You're welcome.

I will see you first thing tomorrow.

Don't think I don't know what you're up to.

"Does it have a pool? Is it vacant?"

You're about as transparent as my attempt to go with you.

Seriously, can I please go?

I don't know what you're talking about, Riley.

Hi, can I speak to someone about tennis lessons?

Dude! Oh my God, you just scared me.

Do you have any idea what time it is?

Oh, I'm sorry. Was Emma a problem?

No, Emma was not a problem.

It's 12:45 in the morning, that's the problem.

Care to explain yourself?

Uh, not really, dad.

The concert ended at 11:00, we got something to eat,

and I dropped her off at her place.

Her place? A-ha! I knew it.

We're just friends. Calm down.

Ben, you are physically incapable of just being friends with a girl.

You seriously don't trust me to be alone with your girlfriend?

Are you seriously asking me if I'm serious?

Well, you're gonna be seriously bummed,

because Robyn just invited me to lunch and yoga with her tomorrow.

Because it turns out somebody's boyfriend

is not very bendy.

That's right. Go to your room, young man!

Here we are, Bon Jovi's penthouse.

Bon Jovi's penthouse!

I'm sorry, I just had to get that out.

It's nice.

No, my ass is nice.

This is spectacular.

Bonnie Wheeler, I'm J.P. Danvers,

Mr. Bon Jovi's business manager. We spoke on the phone.

This is Tucker Dobbs.

He is representing a potential buyer

who would rather remain anonymous.

Mary Hart.

Knock knock. Hi, I'm so sorry I'm late.

What am I doing here?

Well, my firm is repping all of Mary Hart's finances,

and I've been ordered by the court,

the court,

to assess all future assets.

The court sent me here.

I am here from the court.

Can you excuse us for a minute?

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, I am beating you at your own game.

I want a piece, Dobbs.

You cut me in, or I cut you out.

- Mrs. Wheeler... - Uh...

We're just gonna go take a look around the house.

This place isn't big enough for the both of us.

Well, actually, it is, but I hate sharing.

So do I, Dobbs.

So do I.

So, who's the loser I'm competing against for the listing?

- (Angrily) Bonnie? - (Angrily) Brad?

Perfect, so my competition is a walking tube of hair gel and teeth whitener.

And I guess mine is a bottle blonde

whose real estate license is printed on a cocktail napkin.

Oh, good, you two know each other.

I was afraid this was gonna be awkward.

We decided to double list the property.

Of course, whoever brings in the buyer will get full commission.

But I'm sure that professionals such as yourselves,

will make it work.

Oh, this is gonna be too easy,

which is exactly what I said when I first met you.

Oh, please, this place is gonna be a snap to unload,

which is exactly what I said to you when I dumped you.

Well, you couldn't sell matches to the devil.

Oh, well, why don't we just give it a try?

Wanna buy some matches?

Look, just try to be professional and stay out of my way.

You know what? You're right.

We can just act like normal adults,

and not two people who were once wildly attracted to each other.

Once.

Wildly.

Yeah, you're as weak as ever.

Ha-ha!

That's not good.

Oh, I gotta remember to bring an empty suitcase for souvenirs.

Out of my way! Out of my way! Out of my way!

Yes! I'm a genius.

- (Knocking) -Hello? Anyone?

We're stuck in here! Hello?

What are you doing?

I hid my phone in the elevator

to prove that Ben really is a dog.

Wait, so you actually want Ben to hit on your girlfriend?

Robyn: Hello?

Yeah, it's the only way I can prove I'm right.

Just so you know, this isn't going to end well.

Why do people keep saying that?

Robyn, what's wrong? Are you okay?