Bored to Death

‫All the shadows in the city

‫Used to love you, what a pity

‫I miss the question you used to ask me

‫Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

‫Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

‫Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely

‫Hi

‫- Thanks ‫- Sorry I'm late

‫Ray's friends are here, you didn't ‫tell me they were coming over

‫Michele, Lisa, this is Jonathan

‫- Hi ‫- Hi

‫- Hi ‫- Hello

‫- Where's Ray? ‫- He's in the bathroom, masturbating

‫- What? ‫- I'm almost done, just 3 more times

‫Why is he doing that?

‫Well, Ray and Leah are ‫being really generous with us

‫and Ray is giving us his sperm ‫so we can have a baby

‫Tonight's our first exchange

‫- I'm not the one being generous ‫- I think you are

‫Sharing your lover's sperm ‫with us is very kind of you

‫Yeah, and we really need the stuff ‫there's no getting around it

‫and what my Michele wants, she gets

‫Oh yeah, Ray told me about ‫this, um, congratulations!

‫Yeah, as long as the kid isn't ‫born with a beard, we'll be happy

‫No, stop, no, actually ‫we really just love Ray's comics

‫and we're hoping that the ‫baby will become an artist

‫What do you do, in case we ‫want a different kind of baby?

‫- I, um... ‫- I heard that

‫- Really, what do you do? ‫- I'm a writer

‫And Ray told me you're ‫moonlighting as a private detective?

‫Yes

‫Maybe if you could help a friend ‫of mine, her son's skateboard was stolen

‫I can definitely look at that

‫So far, I've solved all my cases

‫I mean, there have only been ‫2 but still, that's a perfect record

‫Ok, well her name's Alison ‫he a Radical Vegan

‫I know a lot of Radical Vegans ‫she must be an unhappy person

‫- All that Jizz ‫- Hey Ray, but you know what?

‫Can you put that in the fridge? ‫Cause we need to keep it chilled

‫No, I don't want it in the fridge ‫the girl's lunches are in there

‫- Leah, please ‫- All right

‫I'll put it in the sink with some ice

‫Just give it to me, Leah ‫we'll put it in our cooler

‫- Oh my God! ‫- Hey, I'll get it, I'll get it

‫Here it is, here it is

‫Ok, good, no spillage

‫- We should go ‫- For the record, I'm against this

‫Leah, I'm sorry to bring this up

‫but could I have your friend's number? ‫The Radical Vegan? I really want that case

‫- Leah! ‫- Ray, the sperm

‫More? Oh this

‫Goodbye Picasso

‫I never skateboarded myself ‫my parents wouldn't let me

‫They were kind of over ‫protective and smothering

‫You know, I'm a very permissive parent

‫I think it's really important ‫that David have a sense of agency

‫like every night for dinner ‫he decides what he wants to eat

‫I see a lot of pizza then

‫No, no, we don't eat dairy or wheat

‫- David has a lot of food allergies ‫- Oh

‫I don't know if Leah told you

‫but I advocate at the Public schools ‫for slow food and raw food and live food

‫In my heart, I'm a Vegan but ‫in my mouth, I lack discipline

‫It sounds like your heart's in the right ‫place, you just have to work on your mouth

‫So what exactly happened ‫with David's skateboard?

‫It's gonna stain

‫So what exactly happened ‫with David's skateboard?

‫Well, this older boy ‫this Alpha Male bully took it

‫I offered to buy David a new one

‫but he wouldn't hear of it, he... ‫he's very attached to this one

‫- How old is David? ‫- He's 9

‫- And the boy who took his skateboard? ‫- I don't know, he's like 16 or 17

‫His name is Francisco

‫I can't get it back ‫it would humiliate David

‫That's really very smart of you

‫When I was a kid, I had back spasms

‫and I went to this crazy Orthopedist ‫who prescribed a corset

‫- For months... ‫- Do you still have back problems?

‫Sometimes

‫I can fix that, lie on your belly

‫A corset, that's odd

‫I don't know if I'd let ‫a Doctor do that to David

‫Yeah, it was a very Victorian cure ‫especially for New Jersey

‫But the point of my story was that ‫my mother never let anyone know

‫She protected me, I only wore sweatshirts

‫- I'm glad to hear that part, move over ‫- Ok

‫- How's that? ‫- Oh wonderful

‫- Copy me ‫- Ok

‫Lift your leg up

‫Do you really think you can ‫get that skateboard back?

‫Yes, I'll get it back ‫and I'll find this Francisco

‫Yeah, but like... I'd be really grateful

‫Ever since David's father and I broke up ‫I've been without a man around the house

‫You got a man in the house now

‫I'm looking for a kid named ‫Francisco, do you know him?

‫He rides around with ‫a boy that looks like this

‫Do you know... do you know Francisco?

‫- Excuse me? ‫- Yeah

‫Do you know someone named Francisco?

‫Ever skateboarded with him on the streets?

‫Yeah, I know him

‫Do you know where ‫he likes to skateboard?

‫Don't remember

‫Would $5 help you remember?

‫- No, but $10 would ‫- All right, tough guy

‫Excuse me one second, business

‫- Caroline? ‫- Jonathan?

‫There you are, how's it coming ‫with the new Kama Sutra novel?

‫What position are you on?

‫I'm on, uh, Chapter 11 ‫Chapter 12, Position 12

‫That's 52 positions to go

‫Listen, you keep working hard, all right?

‫And uh, you know ‫send a chapter now, if you like

‫All right, I'll send you something soon

‫but I am with a friend right now ‫so uh, I'll call you back, is that ok?

‫All right, sweetheart, don't be a stranger

‫You know that all of my writers ‫are like my husbands

‫Right, I know, ok, bye Caroline

‫Ciao, sweetie

‫I think that you're not working on the book ‫because you're depressed over losing the girl

‫I'm doing a little better ‫I met someone today

‫Well, that's perfect

‫Hemingway, you know, said the best way ‫to get over a woman was to get another one

‫Of course, then, to get over that ‫woman, you need another woman

‫So basically, one failed ‫relationship leads to the next?

‫Yes

‫Anyway, how's the new girl? Good looking?

‫Yeah, pretty sexy, I... I really like her

‫- Nice arms? ‫- I guess so, yeah, why?

‫Oh, I don't know, I just... lately ‫I've been going nuts over women's arms

‫It's really the arm pit, I just love it

‫It's this other secret place to burrow into

‫where you don't have to slide ‫as far down the bed to get to it

‫Maybe it's laziness, I don't... I don't know

‫There's also a childhood connection

‫Did something happen with you ‫and an arm pit in childhood?

‫Yes, yes, I was on the school ‫bus, I was 11 years old

‫and this girl... Diane Trudy was her name

‫I remember she was wearing a yellow dress

‫and when she stood up ‫to reach for the... the pole

‫sunlight came through the windshield ‫and I could see her arm pit

‫There were there beautiful, very slight ‫blonde yellow hairs just sort of underlay

‫I fell in love

‫Why do you think the hairs ‫made you fall in love?

‫Cause I knew it meant that ‫she was becoming a woman

‫I like that story

‫And God help me, it's happening again

‫Wait, what?

‫I met this young Publicist the other day

‫and for some reason, she lifted her arm ‫and I could see these light blonde hairs

‫It was like a... a moment out of Proust ‫I was back on the school bus