I Hate Suzie

‫Can we get a snatch of a song ‫just to see if you can hold a note?

‫I know it seems daft to ask you ‫but, you know...

‫No, it's... it's fine. ‫It was all autotuned back then

‫so just really, really ‫lower your expectations.

‫Okay.

‫''A long, long time ago''

‫''I can still remember''

‫''How that music used ‫to make me...''

‫Shall I get up?

‫Um... ‫Sorry. Um...

‫''February made me shiver''

‫''With every paper I'd deliver''

‫''Bad news on the doorstep''

‫''I couldn't take one more step...''

‫That's fine.

‫- ''I can't rem...'' ‫- Okay!

‫- Oh. ‫- Thanks.

‫- Really? ‫- Yes.

‫- Lovely. ‫- Okay. Thank you.

‫Suzie, thank you so much ‫for coming today.

‫- God, are we done? Okay. ‫- Thank you.

‫- Thank you so much. ‫- Thank you!

‫- Oh, it's so lovely to see you. ‫- Nice to see you. Thank you.

‫- Say goodbye. ‫- Bye-bye, Frank.

‫- How do you say goodbye? ‫- Um, just as you would normally.

‫- Oh. Bye, Frank. Bye-bye. ‫- 'Bye.

‫Bye, Frank. Bye-bye.

‫- Thank you. ‫- Bye.

‫- Okay, bye. ‫- Bye!

‫Really?

‫Really? No, you were very good.

‫You were very good. You're ‫Mummy's secret weapon, do you know that?

‫You bring Mummy luck. ‫You bring Mummy such luck.

‫Look. Swimming pool.

‫Yeah.

‫Yeah, but where you are now at school, ‫you have lots of friends, don't you?

‫You're special there, ‫so would you rather be special or fit in?

‫Yeah. I hear you.

‫Oh, look, it's Dad.

‫- Hey. ‫- "Hey!"

‫- How's the study trip? ‫- "I thought you were asleep."

‫- "Are you still awake?" ‫- Are you still in Paris?

‫I thought you'd be on the train by now.

‫"Yeah, we actually... ‫We actually missed the last train."

‫"We missed the Eurostar, so the ‫students are looking at somewhere to stay.

‫- "Valerie's on it." ‫- "I'm on it!"

‫- "She's on it." ‫- Right.

‫"This one here. Four stars..."

‫So, what about tomorrow?

‫I mean, don't... You... you don't ‫have to come if you... It's fine.

‫"Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. ‫No, I'll come straight there."

‫"I'll get the first train and I'll, ‫um... I'll come straight there."

‫"Fuck! Shit!"

‫"My God, I nearly just walked into ‫one of those French piss things."

‫- "What are these called?" ‫- "I don't know."

‫- "Pisseur. Viva la pisseur!" ‫- "Viva la pisseur!"

‫Oh.

‫Crazy.

‫Uh, these hierarchies are all fucked up, ‫Mr. Sitting in the Front.

‫Oh, I can feel the hair on my back ‫stand up as we cross the border.

‫- Your back? ‫- Yeah, I'm covered in hair.

‫You know that. Why are you ‫so relaxed? Is Cob not coming?

‫- Oh, my God, is that why I'm here? ‫- No, he was.

‫He's stuck in Paris with his students.

‫I sort of hope he doesn't, for his sake.

‫Have your family seen the photos?

‫- Poor Cob. ‫- Poor Cob.

‫My family don't mind a slag, ‫but you don't wanna be married to one

‫do you know what I mean?

‫- God, I hate going home. ‫- Oh, Jesus Christ.

‫- Embrace yourself. ‫- Nah.

‫That is why I'm, like, totally sold ‫on having a kid on my own.

‫Like, burn this trad shit down.

‫Well, there'll be lots of free spunk at this. ‫My dad's side are irresponsibly fertile.

‫Oh.

‫God, how's your mum going to cope ‫with your dad being there?

‫Oh, did you hear back from the musical?

‫- No. ‫- No.

‫Mm-mm.

‫Oh.

‫- Oh, Jesus. ‫- Alright, here we are.

‫Come on, then, darling. Let's go.

‫Oh, God. Bloody all these bloody people.

‫- Yeah, it's a wedding, Mum. ‫- Hey, Mrs. P.

‫Oh, hello, love.

‫Hey. I've been praying for you.

‫Come here. Come here. Ooh, little fella!

‫Jeez, haven't you got him ‫one of them cochlear things yet?

‫- He doesn't want one. ‫- Well, he's seven.

‫How does he fucking know? Have you not ‫seen the videos? They're heartbreaking.

‫It doesn't work like that for everyone. ‫He's not a good candidate.

‫No, no, no. No, they ‫even do it with dogs now.

‫And there's one hearing his owner ‫for the first time and his little tail.

‫Oh, it's marvellous, yeah. ‫Come in, sweetheart.

‫- Oh, you're looking lovely, Naomi. ‫- So do you!

‫- Ah! ‫- Here she comes! First born.

‫Hello, Jon.

‫I didn't recognise you ‫without a penis nearby.

‫- Whey-hey! ‫- Jon, don't start.

‫- There is a penis nearby. ‫- It's you, Jon!

‫- Ow. Has he gone outside? ‫- Give me the, um... Pass me the thing.

‫- What are you after now? ‫- Is this what we're using?

‫Excuse me. ‫I'll get you a drink in a minute.

‫Mm, look at this spread. ‫Well done, Karen.

‫- What are you doing?! ‫- Now I recognise you.

‫- Yeah, yeah. ‫- Bit light for you, though, Suzie girl.

‫Was that worth it? Was it worth it?

‫Bloody hell. ‫Dad, can I have a fag whilst he's out?

‫- Give us a light. ‫- Has he left you, then, out of embarrassment?

‫- Oh, Jesus... ‫- Don't worry. It's alright.

‫- Here you go. ‫- Made my eyes water

‫and I only saw the blurry ones.

‫- Alright, Shane? ‫- Yeah, you alright, Suz?

‫Mum, where should we get changed? ‫Shall we just go upstairs?

‫What's that? I can't hear. ‫What did you say?

‫I said, "Where are we changing?"

‫Nah, Suz, you sound like you've ‫got something in your mouth.

‫Phil, don't do that when Cob's here.

‫- Don't 'Phil' me in my own house. ‫- Literally not your house.

‫Yeah, but you can't go upstairs, ‫can you, sweetheart

‫'cause, um, your sister's ‫up there, isn't she?

‫No, not her. It's him. He can't go upstairs. ‫Starting early.

‫- Alright, Suz? ‫- Oh, hi.

‫- Alright, Danielle? ‫- I can't think straight.

‫Um, what are you all doing sat in the kitchen?

‫- Go on, sod off, all of you. ‫- Harpy!

‫'Ere, you know what I wanna know?

‫- I'm trying to cook! ‫- How many famous people you met?

‫Well, I work with famous people ‫every day, so literally all the time.

‫No, not you. Suz. How many ‫famous people you met?

‫- Name them. ‫- Oh, I've met loads. I've met

‫Louis Theroux, I've met...

‫- Louis who? Who? Who? ‫- Louis Theroux. You know who that is?

‫- No. Next. Who else? ‫- Oh, my God.

‫What? Well, I've met loads.

‫Like, what, do you want me ‫to just list famous people?

‫What's going on ‫with all this naked stuff?

‫- I mean, I'd feel terrible. ‫- Straight in.

‫I'd feel awful. I would feel so awful.

‫- Did you sell it or something? ‫- What?! No!

‫Nah, it's an awful angle for anyone.

‫- I'd have deleted it. ‫- I did delete it.

‫They store recently ‫deleted stuff too now.

‫Oh, I'm gonna be really rude. ‫Gonna be really rude right now.

‫Do you know when you go on top?

‫You know when you go on top, right?

‫You know what I'm talking about. ‫Right, when you lean...

‫When you lean over, you wanna get a ‫mirror and check what they are seeing.

‫I've got udders.

‫And I go to BODYPUMP twice a week, ‫do you know what I mean?

‫- Where's your boyfriend, Naomi? ‫- Oh, no, no, no.

‫- Where's my boyfriend? ‫- Do you remember? She's not, um...

‫- She's... ‫- No, no. Well, I'm actually 50-50.

‫She's into women.

‫Oh, mate, I would... at a fanny.

‫Don't you wax them every day at work?

‫Yes. I get paid to do that. ‫I'm not nose-deep in it.

‫60-40. 60-40 men now, talking to you.

‫One time, during a massage, ‫I was so hungover

‫I vommed all over her lower back.

‫70-30.

‫That's my limit. ‫That area, it's a no-go, mate.

‫Strictly dickly, me.

‫Alright, Danielle, I wouldn't ‫do you either, so chill out.

‫- Oh, charming! ‫- Shane!

‫Shane's... Shane's ‫cousin's here, isn't she?

‫- Oh, yes! ‫- She plays netball for Kent.

‫- She's gay! ‫- Actually, Naomi's in the market

‫for a bit of spunk, if there's any going.

‫Didn't Cob want to have ‫more kids and then you didn't?

‫Oh, my God. That's not true, is it?

‫- Oh, Mum... ‫- It is true.

‫Well, there's a solution. ‫You can have her old fella.

‫- Yeah, yeah, knock yourself out. ‫- I think even I might have a line.

‫- Fill your boots. ‫- Yeah.

‫- Mum's strictly dickly, right, Mum? ‫- Oh, yeah!

‫Cheers to that. ‫To the strictly dickly crew.

‫Alright?

‫- Alright? ‫- Alright?

‫Oh, babe!

‫Alright, Grinny? This is mad, isn't it? ‫Look at you. Look at you.

‫So crazy, 'cause you're ‫eight still, aren't you?

‫- How are you? What the fuck? ‫- Don't. How am I?

‫How are you? ‫You've got a lot of make-up on.

‫- No, this is normal. ‫- Right. I've brought the magic showbiz box.

‫So, have you got any words ‫of wisdom for your sister?

‫You've done it enough times.

‫Well, it's a sign ‫I'm not very good at it, Grin.

‫Can't say that.

‫I'll bet this dress makes you want to be sick.

‫- No. ‫- Your father's doing me bloody head in.

‫It's good. It's looking ‫quite creased on there.

‫Oh, you look like a model.

‫Look at you. She's gorgeous, isn't she?

‫This is actually really good.

‫- Give us a fag. ‫- Oh, blimey, what are you doing?

‫Mum, what are you doing? ‫You're sat on the dress.

‫- Bloody hell. Keep your hair on. ‫- You're just going to crease it all!

‫You're just smoking next to it. It'll go up.

‫- It's creased anyway. Jesus. ‫- What are you like?