Bogdan Boner: Egzorcysta

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES

PROHIBITION FROM HELL

CHEAP LAWN MOWING!

That's me. Marcin Łopian, nineteen years old.

I'm from Pęchery in the municipality of Piaseczno.

Born in Łbiski between Pęchery and Piaseczno.

- -That's right.

Dad's tractor wasn't fast enough to get us to the hospital in Piaseczno in time.

That's why I have this scar on my cheek.

Manure spreaders are no joke.

You're probably wondering what an assistant to a construction foreman

is doing in the middle of the street with a messed-up face at 3:00 a.m.

Let me emphasize that I'm still at work.

If you guessed that I just got hit in the face with a high kick,

you win a coupon for bupkis with a side of diddly-squat.

But joking aside,

time to regain consciousness, and face the enemy.

That's right. Besides doing construction work,

we're also in the business of fighting dark forces.

My fists are made of shit, you fucking asshole!

-'Scuse me? -And your ugly human face is the toilet,

so surrender now!

Or I'll take a shit on you!

Hyah!

You don't know much about obscur-dicks!

Those aren't my balls! You kicked me in the ass!

Don't move or I'll cut your fucking dick off!

Uh-oh. How do you know where my dick is?

That's Domino.

Yeah, he's a demon, but he's on our side.

He's screwed back in Hell, so he joined our crew a few months back.

He might be terrible at martial arts, but he's also shit at fist-fighting.

Boss! Marcin is in trouble!

Quick, pass me the shotgun!

I'd rather pass a kidney stone than pass you this shotgun.

Hell, I'm not suicidal!

Plus, I need it, there's one more right back here!

And this is our boss.

Bogdan Boner.

Yeah, he's about as good at shooting as Domino is at fighting.

Oh, Jesus.

Good God, not the vodka!

- -Oh fuck!

Thanks a lot.

Get lost! Can't you see what's happening?

How long can you go without air? Why won't you just fucking die already!

Hey! You first, asshole!

Phew. Thanks, man. That was a close one.

Okay, now give the gun back to the boss.

Or maybe don't. He'll be better off without it.

Why'd I say that?

VODKA WINE BEER 6 AM - 11 PM

Mission accomplished.

Let's head back.

- - You heard this one?

Milik is such a shitty soccer player that when he gets horny and wants to fuck,

he couldn't even score in a whorehouse!

Who needs to pay for a comedy show

when the boss tells such hilarious jokes!

Speaking of payment, I wanted to ask you, boss,

when exactly do I get my salary?

Your salary, huh? How much do I owe you?

-For the past month or in general? -Why don't we just say for the past month.

It's 1,400 for last month but…

Here, take 1,500 zloty and we can honestly call it even.

Take it easy, Marcin, money isn't everything, you know.

I think what really matters is good humor.

So do you know this one?

The Prime Minister goes to the whorehouse...

Hey, Marcinek, what's your fucking problem?

Oh Christ, Marcin, what have you done? What the hell has possessed you?

You're possessed, right? That's it?

Don't worry, Domino, I'll show you. Let's get back to the store.

- -

Oh damn! What kind of magic is this?

Just because someone looks like the boss and dresses like the boss,

doesn't mean it's actually the boss.

And what do you… …want?

Oh no! Only enough for one!

But how, Marcin? What about the boss tipped you off?

The real boss would never have given me my entire salary,

and definitely not without an argument.

It turns out those obscur-dicks are shape-shifting demons

and can even take on human form.

That's one of their biggest and baddest tricks.

It's too bad you didn't give us that information sooner!

It's going to be so fucking awesome, Krzysztof!

It's going to be the party of a lifetime. And look at our supplies!

Twelve cold ones in this bag

and a bottle of liquor in my backpack for dessert!

Shh. Damn it, Bartosz.

-Have you gone fucking nuts? -What?

Don't you dare even think about saying the word "bottle" next to Piotras!

First of all, why worry? He's not here yet.

Oh, that's right.

Piotrek! Move it!

And then second of all, what's the big fucking deal?

The deal is he's never even tried alcohol in his life.

He barely agreed to go for this beer.

I just really don't want him to get spooked.

Then why did we chip in for the...

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm?

-Oh, you'll find out. -

Wassup, homies?

Finally.

-And many more on-- -All right, buddy, let's go get wasted!

What's with all the yelling?

Don't you realize some of us work night shifts

at the cauldron boiling humans and need to sleep during the day?

Hey, mister, why are you yelling?

I'm working from home here!

Living at the brothel doesn't mean you work from home!

One fifty an hour after the neighbor discount!

Do you know how many people I have to boil alive to make that kind of money?

Hmm, that's what beer smells like.

No, that's what shit smells like.

Come on, P-Man, your eighteenth birthday only comes once a year.

-What's up? Come on, do it! -All right. Bottoms up.

So she says to me,

"When you're ready to finish, let me know, 'cause I don't like…"

so I say, "Don't worry, Mariola, I'm not close."

And that's how I got this black eye.

-Piotras, don't you have to piss? -What?

Oh, right. Guys, I'm going for a piss.

All right, Bartosz, this is it. Keep an eye out for him.

-What are you planning? -Quiet, homie, no time to explain.

This'll be hilarious.

Damn, that bush is all wet.

Never mind the bush. Let's knock these back before they go flat.

-Ready, set… -

Fucking shit! Fucking shit! See what you did?

With all due respect, Your Evilness,

but it was you who went behind the tape and knocked over the ladder.

Oh, it hurts so bad.

Like somebody pouring non-alcoholic beer into my face. Aah!

We're going to need a doctor. Do you have health insurance?

No way.

Well, lucky you, then.

You're paying for your own treatment.

Hey, boss! Hey, boss!

Good morning, Your Motherfuckedness.

Oh shit, Tomek, what happened to you?

Not too much, I just broke my right leg.

Oh… I know that pain.

Like somebody pouring non-alcoholic--

Tell me why you're here immediately or I'll have you neutered.

Ah. So I have two pieces of news.

The first one is that you have to turn on the news,

and the second is that the car has been picked up from the shop.

It's parked in its usual spot. There's no sign of the TV.

An unusual event took place last night in the center of Cain Square

where a group of drunken youths

gathered together to celebrate an 18th birthday,

managed to desecrate the statue of our endarkened leader Beelzebutt.

We have a recording of the incident.

Citizen, this is your second to last warning!

Please get off of the statue!

Or we will be forced to use gas on you!

I am the fucking King of Hell!

I am the king of… King of… of Ass!

King of Ass, this is your final warning!

Please get off the statue!

Whoo-hoo!

And Batman's goggles!

Commencing spraying!

- -

- -Nah! Nah!

Piotras the Invincible!

Damn bastards!

Destroying such a beautiful statue!

I'll show you assholes what's what.

- -

Call the General Assembly at once!

I shall give a speech!

Following the recent shameful crimes committed by these youths,

I am making the following announcement.

The laws concerning the minimum age to buy and consume alcohol

in Hell and all its territories are changing.

From this day forward, the established legal minimum drinking age

in Hell for its citizens will be raised

from a mere eighteen years of age,

to a much more twenty-one years of age.

Wait! What about cigarettes?

Yeah! What about cigarettes?