M*A*S*H

Good morning, Hawkeye. Good morning, Charles.

What is this, take a cadaver to lunch day?

Well, I'm glad to see somebody's not such a Sorrowful Jones.

That's because I've got the day off.

I met a chopper pilot who loves fishing as much as I do.

We're going up to Lake Kogee. Charles, you're from Boston.

Here's something I'm sure will interest you.

"Red Sox Slugger Ted Williams to Leave Korea."

Oh, goody! Does this mean I can have his dessert?

What happened? The ump throw him out of the war?

No, it says he's got an ear and throat infection.

He's been grounded, and the marines are sending him

to a military hospital in the States.

Last time I had an ear and throat infection, nobody sent me home.

You ever hit .400? Oh, pipe down, you morons.

He's a war hero, and he's not leaving the marines, just Korea.

Captain Hunnicutt? Yo! Here's my ride.

I leave you to each other, which is reason enough for leaving.

I can tell you the real reason Ted Williams is going home.

I heard the marines are pulling out the whole 311th Fighter Squadron,

because the Commies have given up on that sector.

Where'd you hear that crock? Gentlemen, in all fairness,

I must tell you that I heard the same story myself.

Actually, I think I got that from you.

Margaret, you should know better

than to promulgate idiotic rumors.

It's not a rumor!

For your information, it's something I heard.

It's amazing. People will believe anything.

Yeah, that I'll buy.

The more outrageous the tale, the wider the circulation.

Oh, yeah, perhaps.

But then, without a certain amount of blind faith,

I'd be out of business.

Hey, guys, did you know that Ted Williams is going home?

I heard the Red Sox paid 50,000 bucks

to get him out of the marines.

That's not what I heard. I heard it was 75,000

and they sold Babe Ruth to the navy.

Who cares about Ted Williams?

How come you didn't tell us about Marilyn Monroe?

What about Marilyn Monroe? You know.

Know what? She's coming here.

Marilyn Monroe is coming here?

Noon tomorrow.

Wait a minute. I wasn't born yesterday.

If Marilyn Monroe was coming to Korea,

everybody'd know about it.

Well, not all of Korea, just this unit.

Yeah. Apparently she wants to express her gratitude

to the doctors here who saved the life of her cousin. Yeah.

Her cousin was here? What, you forgot already?

The blond kid. The, uh... The young guy with the wound.

Oh, sure. I remember. A young blond guy.

That's the one. That's the one. Yeah.

Wait a minute. I'm the company clerk.

If Marilyn was coming here, I'd know about it.

Oh, come on now, Klinger. Use your brain.

A famous movie star like that?

Word like that gets out, she shows up,

she's gonna be trampled by thousands of drooling G. I. s.

You know how private Marilyn is.

Gotta admit, everything you say makes perfect sense.

Or it could just be some stupid rumor somebody made up.

Nah, I buy it!

Hey, I better get busy. I got work to do.

You're gonna love this place.

If you run out of bait, all you gotta do is whistle.

Well, in that case,

I hope this baby's got a big enough trunk.

Uhoh. What?

Oh, boy.

Obviously, the North Koreans didn't see my "gone fishing" sign.

I guess we ought to be neighborly. Yeah.

Look, I know it's a secret,

but we're on the same side of the secret.

You can't confirm she's coming?

Okay, I'll play your little game.

Can you deny it? Can you confirm that you can't deny it?

Do you deny that you confirm that you can't deny it?

Well then, that confirms it. Thank you very much, Sparky.

Son, that conversation just gave my ears whiplash.

Care to unknot things for me?

I realize the colonel is keeping a tight lid on this,

but don't worry, sir.

The name Marilyn Monroe will not leave this office.

Marilyn Monroe? Quiet, sir! The walls have ears.

You know she wants to keep this visit hushhush.

Wait a second. Have you caught wind of some rumor

that Marilyn Monroe is coming here?

It is not a rumor, sir.

Look, I've been around long enough to know

that you can't believe everything you hear.

In W. W. I., we got word the war was over,

because Kaiser Wilhelm was entering the priesthood.

He didn't.

Colonel, I just got the confirmation from ICorps.

You talked to a couple of stripes.

I'm gonna talk to a couple of brass.

MASH 4077. One moment, please.

It's for you, sir, from ICorps. General Schwerin.

General Schwerin. Hello, General.

Sherm Potter, you son of a buck, you.

How come I hear about something like this Marilyn Monroe visit

through channels and not from my friends?

Oh, you heard it about it through channels, huh?

Tell you the truth, General,

I wasn't sure about it myself until just now.

Well, I'm not one to hold a grudge,

but you're not gonna have that woman all to yourself.

I was packing for three days R & R in Tokyo,

and I've just canceled all that

so I can come up your way

and shake the hand that belongs to those legs.

General, mi unit es su unit.

Tomorrow at 1200 hours.

She's really coming!

Oh, this could be the most exciting day of my life.

Is he gonna be all right? Yeah. Doesn't look too serious.

Too bad about the fishing trip. Ah, well.

First thing they teach you in med school is don't make plans.

Uhoh. What's the matter?

Looks like Uncle Sam is having a bad day. Oh, boy.

Drop that rope to him. I can't land here. It's anchored to the seat.

We'll lift him out to that field over there,

then I can land, and we'll put him in the pod.

Tie it around yourself, and we'll pull you out!

Come on! You can do it!

Come on!

What are you doing? He can't make it.

I'm gonna go down there, and you can pull us both out.

Get back in here. They're shooting.

We've gotta get out of here.

Okay. He's got the rope. Let's go.

No, cut it. What do you mean, cut it?

The extra weight's too much. Cut the rope.

They'll kill him!

They'll kill us all if we stay here.

Cut the rope.

Cut it, damn it! Cut the rope. Cut it!

They hit the oil cooler. I think we'll be okay.

You were really gonna go down that rope, weren't you?

MAN (on P. A.): Attention all personnel.

The bad humor truck is in the compound.

Possible fractured clavicle. Maybe internal injuries.

Right, Doc. Pain any better?

A little. Was there anybody else from your unit in that area?

You saw my buddy. Not your buddy. Another guy.

Should we type and crossmatch him?

Yeah, but the plasma's probably okay for now.

Another guy, with dark hair and a leg wound.

In the same area, about 200 yards away in the woods.

I don't know who you mean, sir. You got anybody else?

No, no. He's the only one.

Where am I? MASH 4077. You're gonna be just fine.

4077? Right.

Is Marilyn here yet? Uh, no, no.

Uh, no, but let's put it this way. She is expected.

Oh. Everyone seems to know she's coming.

It's a good thing it's not a military secret.

I've been thinking about this. A star of her magnitude,

not to mention "tism," deserves a really boffo reception.

Pierce, that's where you come in. Me?

You're witty, suave, you lean toward handsome.

And I'm putting you in charge of Operation Bombshell.

No, no, uh... I can't think of a more appropriate choice

for a very important job.

Colonel, I don't think it's such a great idea. As a matter of fact

No time for false modesty. This is big.

General Schwerin himself is giving up three days of R & R

in Tokyo to meet double "M."

The least we can do

is make everybody's trip worth the mileage.

I'll give it all the effort it deserves.

His pulse is thready, and his blood pressure is 70 over 40.

Better give him another couple of units right away.

He's not gonna make it, is he?

Margaret, that's not productive thinking.

It's not wrong, but it's not productive.

You sure? Sorry, Doc. Nobody from my unit was near that area.

I see. This guy a friend of yours?

Uh, no, not exactly. I tried to do something for him once.

Thanks.

Hey, Doc. I just wanted to say goodbye.

Hey, Priore. Thanks for the lift. Oh, no. Thank you.

Listen. I know you didn't make it all the way down that rope.

But you sure as hell tried. I put you in for a medal.

See you at the fishing hole.

I don't believe it.

The colonel wants a giant "Welcome Marilyn" banner in the compound.

And he wants a reviewing stand so she can see the troops.

And then, he wants bunting hung in postop.

Oh, what a shame. And the Korean Kresge's just closed for the decade.

I'd be a tad more sympathetic, Charles.

When this rumor was born, you were one of the physicians in attendance.

Yeah, but now the patient has grown

and is doing quite well on its own.

In short, as Aristotle said, "Tough noogies."

Yeah, well, try these noogies on for size.

I have so much to do, I'm gonna tell the colonel