Peter's Friends

There are some friends you'll have for the rest of your life.

You're welded together by love,

trust, respect,

or loss.

Or in our case, simple embarrassment.

Stand clear of the doors.

Mind the gap.

Let's all go down to Oxford Circus, past Trafalgar Square...

And then from Charing Cross right up to Euston.

Then change to the Victoria,

then the Piccadilly takes us round to Gloucester Road,

Kensington and Notting Hill Gate.

Holland Park, and Shepherds Bush.

- Ladbroke Grove, Westbourne Park. - Royal Oak and Paddington.

Edgware Road and Baker Street.

Great Portland Street and Euston Square.

Barbican and Aldgate East and change for Tower Hill.

Fulham Broadway, heading down for Wimbledon.

Wimbledon Park. Now we've crossed the Thames.

Back to Earl's Court right up to Victoria.

Change for Green Park.

Home in time for tea.

To check the map to find the route to start again.

So, after tea we're off again.

We go through Swiss Cottage heading northward on the Jubilee.

We change to the Metropolitan at Finchley Road,

which takes us round to change at Rayner's Lane.

- Sudbury Hill and Sudbury Town. - Alperton and Acton Town.

- Chiswick Park and Turnham Green. - Stamford Brook and Ravenscourt Park.

- Hammersmith and Barons Court. - West Kensington and Bayswater.

And again, Paddington...

Then change for Maida Vale.

Willesden Junction.

Didn't notice Kensal Green.

Watford High Street. Christ, we've gone too far.

Stop at Watford. Back again to Baker Street.

King's Cross, Moorgate, Northern line to Bank.

And the escalator link to Monument.

We jump the Circle and we're going round and round

and round and round.

All change!

Perhaps we shouldn't have closed with the Underground Song.

Just keep thinking of the fee, my cherubs. 500 pounds.

- It could have been worse. - Yes, it could have been worse.

They could have attached electrodes to our genitals!

I think they enjoyed it, in their own way.

Yes, they're just one of those audiences that enjoy it... later.

They get home and think: Yes, I rather enjoyed that.

Should we give them our individual telephone numbers then?

I shall expect dozens of phone calls saying:

"I know I looked bored shitless throughout the evening,

but on reflection, Roger was right. I had a fantastic time".

You two are so cynical.

We should hire a lawyer and sue that audience.

- Paul enjoyed it. - You are such a little cutie.

Maggie, are you doing a magic trick over there?

Oh, Maggie!

I have to say, Peter.

Why did your father book us if his friends weren't going to laugh.

And you have to say that?

Will you take a picture of us?

Not a photograph! Not a photo!

It's the last performance we'll do together,

and it's New Year's Eve and I want a photograph.

We're not students anymore.

Thank God.

Hurry up! I haven't got all night!

Smile.

All right. Bah after three.

Bah!

Welcome to your life.

There's no turning back.

Even while we sleep,

we will find you acting on your best behavior.

Turn your back on Mother Nature.

Everybody wants to rule the world.

It's my own design.

It's my own remarks.

Help me to decide.

Help me make the most of freedom and of pleasure.

Nothing ever lasts forever.

Everybody wants to rule the world.

There's a room where the light won't find you.

Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down.

When they do, I'll be right behind you.

So glad we've almost made it.

So sad they had to fade it.

Everybody wants to rule the world.

Peter, if you're going to stay in the house,

I shall have to file certain papers with the court.

The local rating system alone is very complicated.

I shall need to go through that with you.

But to be honest with you, Mr. Gooch,

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this house.

Your father provided generously for Vera and Paul in his will,

and the part time staff have also been taken care of.

I know.

Perhaps you could rent the property out.

I could arrange that for you.

- Not sure. - Or I could get a valuation done.

I'm sorry to be so vague, Mr. Gooch.

But you'll be delighted to know I've made one decision.

What's that?

I'm going to have a party.

Andrew and Carol in there, I think.

And Maggie in there.

Vera, if you'd be happier leaving before the holidays...

I'd understand completely.

And Sarah and... her friend in there.

I've said I'll stay till the first of the year.

Roger and Mary in there.

Which of course is lovely and much appreciated, Vera,

but I wish you'd please try, as a special favor to me,

not to be quite so gothic to my friends.

When my bags come in...

Excuse me, but are you who I think you are?

I think I might be.

- What's your name again? - Carol Benson.

Who?

Carol Benson.

- "Who's in the Kitchen?" - What?

It's a situation comedy. My wife is the star.

It's made us millions of dollars. You must come visit us.

I knew I knew you!

My children watch you on television!

I've never seen the show myself.

It's on at 4 in the afternoon. I usually have things to do.

But they love it. It was nice to meet you.

- Susan, was it? - Carol.

Well, I'll just call you "The Kitchen Lady".

Andrew, you know what I hate most about being a public figure?

The public. That's one of mine.

What the fuck have you got in here, weights?

Yes.

Ben, please play with the tractor that cost Daddy 40 pounds,

not the box it came in.

This is very important.

Every time Ben goes to sleep, it must be switched on, all right?

Wherever you are in the house, you must carry this intercom.

If he stops breathing, an alarm will go,

and you get to him immediately and start resuscitation.

- Sure you know mouth-to-mouth? - I'm a qualified nurse.

Please don't worry Mrs. Anderson.

You and your husband go and enjoy a couple of days break.

Everything will be fine.

Maybe we should take Ben with us.

- Could you hold him, please? - Certainly.

Look, we haven't been out of this house at night for 8 months.

- Please! - I'll worry the whole time.

But we're expected. It'll be great to see everyone again.

All right, let me say goodbye to him once more.

Bye, sweetheart, we'll see you in 3 days.

All right? Mummy and Daddy will see you in 3 days.

I've never left him overnight before.

I've left pictures of myself everywhere.

Look, Michael.

Maggie.

That's supposed to help.

I'll come in twice a day and freshen his food and water.

Please, don't let him follow me into the hall,

'cause he might try and... run after me.

Where is he?

He ran into the bedroom.

He's putting on a brave face.

You have my telephone number.

Just in case you need to get in touch.

Please don't hesitate to call.

Bye, Michael. Bye.

Bye-bye, Michael.

Bye. I'm going, bye.

Don't let him follow me, all right?

Bye.

No, no, no!

Yes!

Sarah! Sarah!

Sarah! It's Maggie!

Maggie, you look wonderful!

You must be Clive. I've heard so much about you.

- Actually, this is Brian. - I meant Brian.

I completely meant Brian. I'm very bad with names.

It's completely my fault. She's talked about Brian for months.

We only met a couple of weeks ago.

Congratulations!

You look very happy together. I wonder who's picking us up.

Hello.

- Are you Paul? - Yes.

Oh, my God! Little Paul!

What about that train!

How is Peter? Is he all right?

I guess.

- So hard losing a parent. - I guess.

I think this is going to have a positive effect on Peter.

He even sounded different on the phone.

More mature.

More sturdy.

Ready to settle down, don't you think?

- I guess. - Me too.

Peter?

Peter's hopeless, Mags. He's the loveliest boy in the world

but he's never been able to hold down a job or relationship.