You're the Worst

Cult.

All new, Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.

FXX presents You're the Worst.

And then, even after I showed them my true colors,

Cyndi Lauper-style,

my coworkers ditched me.

Triflin'-ass Vogue readers.

Mm! I almost forgot.

I made you a friendship bracelet when I was home.

Aw!

"G plus H"?

The "H" stands for "Hot Lindsay."

See? I'm friendable!

I know they're triflin', Gretch, but I really want

those multicultural fashion lizards to like me.

They're my work family.

No, I get it.

My old boss Rick was my work family until his head

got cut off in that Jet Ski accident.

It's my divorce license.

Ha! I'm divorced!

Oh, no. I broke my divorce.

Yay! Paul is dead!

Now we can be fun single ladies together!

Ha. Uh, yeah.

Since when does being a fun single lady mean

boning the same old-ass dad every night?

Just admit it.

You're down a road.

We are not down a road.

Then don't hang out with him tonight.

Fine!

Easy. Not a problem.

I will just tell that fool...

that I am very sick so he doesn't get mad at me.

You... have... a... boyfriend!

Don't emoji clap at me.

Okay, how 'bout this?

To celebrate our new singlehood,

I will throw you a divorce party tonight. No Boone.

Yes! And I can invite my work fam.

Maybe once they know I'm a cool-ass divorcée

like ScarJo or Nicole Brown Simpson,

Jeff and Tara will want to be friends with me.

Perfect.

Ow!

I really need to stop buying window drugs

from that homeless guy.

*

* I'm gonna leave you anyway

* I'm gonna leave you anyway *

* Gonna leave you anyway.

*

Jimmy Shive-Overly.

Now, make sure to wear your VIP badge at all times.

I absolutely will not.

Congrats on the release of your book.

I hear it's very steamy.

It's also a Dickensian exploration of the long shadow

cast on British progeniture by the Second World War,

but thank you.

Hot.

*

There we go. Getting that weekly tighten-up,

- quaffing that rye hattie. - You're right.

Co-grooming can be a bonding yet totally macho ritual.

Oh...

- SneakerSeeker! - SneakerSeeker!

Oh, shit, the Yeezy 350 Pirate Blacks are on sale for $950!

And purchased!

You, too.

- We got to be twinsies. - Nine hundo?

Uh, gee, I-I don't know. I...

And...

- done. - Yes!

Where's the foreign dude with the weird-colored dick?

- Jimmy's on a work trip. - Nice! Now we don't have to rip

down his list of dum-dum rules for the party.

Going number two in the upstairs bathroom all night, sucka.

- What party? - Ugh, I got super baked

and offered to throw Lindser a divorce party.

Hmm.

Edgar, you should plan the party.

- Why me? - You're the foodie

with the fancy-ass threads, getting a house haircut,

drinking a rye hattie like Dan Goddamn Bilzerian!

I guess I could pull something together.

Great. Remember, the theme is Your Previously Secure Future

is Suddenly a Giant, Scary Question Mark.

But fun!

Shoot.

I-I guess I have to go to the grocery store

and the liquor store. I should probably pick up

some bubble wrap for Lindsay to play with...

Hey, relax.

I know a party planner who can take care of everything.

He did Brent's going away, and it was spectunckular.

I got this.

Wow, thanks.

I mean, that's-that's so generous.

Wait,

Brent moved?

- Mm-hmm. - Isn't he your main dude?

Brent moved to Boulder to work on his new app, Snoober.

It's like Uber but for snow.

So, the app helps you find a place to ski

- or makes snow or... - Right!

It's like Venmo, but for mountains.

Ah.

* I come from a greener place and a lawless past *

* I was raised with the cows and the birds *

* And a toothless laugh...

I loved how Simon was drunk all the time

when he was teaching drama at that boarding school,

because... I had sex with my drama teacher, too.

Who didn't?

Aw.

You're so sweet.

Smile.

Who's next?

What's your name?

*

* I admit, I've never been broke but I have been broken *

* Shout inside, she'll switch you for a token *

- * Oh... - * Of kindness

* This one's for you, King Charles *

* You mess with the people

* Took the taxes to fund the evil *

- * Ooh... - * Sound familiar?

* Don't mind us, divide us

* But when we need guidance, you give us the silence *

* It's spineless and blindless

* We will buy back, not sit here smiling *

Wow.

Thanks for doing all this.

Hey, it's what buds do.

Plus, you got to honor the end of a relationship.

When my pops and stepmom split,

me and Dad bro'd out in the Maldives for, like, a month.

Had too much Prosecco one night,

and things got a little weird.

But, all in all, great trip.

- Hello! - Welcome to the party I planned!

Oh, shit, it's Nerd with his face X'ed out!

So disrespected!

Wow, Gretchen.

How... Pinterest of you.

You know, if we threw a party every time Lindsay failed

at something, we'd be drunk all the time.

Bitch, we are drunk all the time.

Because you keep pressuring me.

Makes me wonder what you're up to, mister.

* Here comes the divorced

* Lady.

I'm here!

Aw, thanks for comin', sis!

Yeah, well, I find the whole thing to be in very poor taste.

Marriage is supposed to be forever.

And you chose Vernon.

Babe, can you take a pic for me?

I want to get one where I'm resting my dick

on his shoulder like a parrot.

Congratulations!

Uh, a-and/or, uh, my, uh, condolences,

depending on your feelings about the divorce.

Thank you so much for inviting me. -Shut up.

- Where are the good ones? - The good...

Oh, you mean Jeff and Tara.

I'm not sure.

Well, find out.

*

Let me guess.

You're bummed because your work is suddenly included

in the mortifying anti-art hellscape that is genre.

Yeah. Well, Michael Chabon isn't hyping Moonglow

at the Gilroy Garlic Festival.

He would if they invited him.

He's not above helping sales,

and neither should you be.

Plus, not to be gross,

but you could really clean up around here.

What? -I'm just saying, I'm an old married lady,

but if I were a hot, single British dude?

Whew, boy,

you'd have to take my dick home in a body bag.

Thanks.

I think.

Night, Jimmy.

Try to have some fun this weekend, will ya?

* Run it

* Run it

* Wob-wob wobbin, wob-wob wobbin *

- * When I come around - Mmm.

* Got the whole thing wobbin... *

I can't believe none of my work friends showed up.

Not even the janitor guy with the gross, black thumbnail.

What about him?

Carl? He doesn't count.

Carl's basically a human participation trophy.

* Looking for the movie love, they think I'm famous... *