M*A*S*H

Okay, sports fans, you ready for the next hand?

My last hand was more like a foot.

I thought that was funny.

When you're winnin', rigor mortis is funny.

How about Ugly John?

He's been playing the same hand for the last hour.

‐Winning or losing? ‐Little of each.

Well, wake him up.

No! Forget it.

This is the first I've enjoyed him.

Open for 5.

Call.

I'm in, shorty.

Stop makin' fun of my height!

What height? You have no height to make fun of.

Go get some height. We'll make fun of it.

Hold it.

Oh, he hears them again.

Choppers!

Come on, the war's back in the game.

Hey, mateys, look! Ace‐high flush!

That was two hours ago.

Those cats in the North really know

how to break up a poker game.

They saved me money,

but I hate their methods.

Why don't we have a war some time

with blank ammunition?

We tried it. No casualties, no fun.

There's too much chatter. It's distracting.

Especially, if you don't know what you're doing.

Pierce, do you mind?

We've got five more cases prepped and ready.

Tell 'em there'll be an hour wait for a table.

Yeah, put 'em in the bar. Sell 'em a drink.

‐Clamp. ‐Clamp.

I said clamp, clamp! Come on, move it!

Here you go, Frank. Clamp.

Colonel Blake, did you see that?

Yeah, he's a great hitter,

but he's got a lousy arm.

I don't need your help, Pierce.

You better check with your patient on that.

Psychologically, that kind of eating

indicates hostility, aggression.

Destructiveness.

Why don't we get him to eat North Korea?

What he doesn't finish he can take home in a doggy bag.

Do you mind?

Give it some thought.

Pierce, I want to ask you a question.

No, you may not borrow my fork.

Why do you find it necessary

to make my life miserable in the OR?

Maybe because you're so consistent.

Well. I'm just trying to do my job.

You screwed up today, like you do every other day.

That's what I call consistent.

Would you mind telling me how I did?

Frank, you're only dignifying him.

Which is more than I would do for you.

‐Well? ‐You think you're the only one who's busy.

You asked for help three times today. Three.

Give me some salt. I still still taste this.

And when you make a mistake,

you're not smart enough to admit it and start over.

We're not here to compensate for you.

I'll buy that.

‐Me, too. ‐Well, I don't buy it.

Neither do I!

It's a tie: 2 against 50.

You're inconsiderate,

insulting with your nurses,

bloody arrogant,

demanding, distracting, and dumb!

Wow.

And those are your good points.

You're also surgically incompetent.

‐I'm‐‐ ‐I wouldn't let you

operate on me for dandruff!

Oh, this is outrageous.

You keep out of this. Where was I?

Surgically incompetent.

Surgically incompetent, right.

And, finally, you are a total

and definitive pain in the gluteus maximus!

Frank, did you hear that?

Would you like me to translate?

You can't talk to me like that,

not and get away with it!

What're you gonna do? Eat me?

Ohh.

Knock‐knock, sir.

This better be important, Radar.

It's Major Houlihan, sir. She's throwing a fit.

Then give her a distemper shot.

I've gotta get some sleep.

She says if you don't come,

she's gonna inform General Clayton.

20,000 miles from home,

and I'm still aggravated by a woman.

Sometimes I think my wife operates Major Houlihan

by remote control.

What should I tell her, sir?

You go right to Major Houlihan,

you set your jaw firmly,

and you look into those cool, killer eyes of hers,

and you tell her I'll be right there.

Yes, sir.

Hawkeye?

Go away.

Colonel Blake wants to see you

in his office right away.

Tell him I died

and didn't leave a forwarding address.

Hawkeye.

Would you‐‐

So typical.

Colonel Blake calls you into his office,

and you chew him out.

You woke me out of one of the sexiest dreams of all time

to discuss morale?

‐Pierce, morale is important. ‐Absolutely.

But how can we discuss something we don't have?

We don't have any

because of your disruptive influence!

‐I deny that. ‐It's true!

Oh, in that case, I admit it.

The idea of reporting to your commanding officer

wearing nothing but a robe.

Would you like me to take it off?

Pierce, that ruckus you had with Frank

has already spread through the whole outfit.

So what? Everybody already knows about old butterfingers.

That's not news.

Colonel, if he continues,

I'm going to file a formal complaint.

And I'll file a counter‐complaint

against Frank Burns' impersonating a surgeon

and masquerading as a human being.

He's impossible!

See? Even she agrees.

Pierce, I want you to patch it up.

There's nothing to patch up,

unless Frank's been operating again.

He wants you to apologize.

In public, for the way you insulted him.

Apologize?

Like "I'm sorry, Frank.

You're a great guy and a fine surgeon"?

If I tried to say that,

my tongue would snap off its roller.

‐Pierce‐‐ ‐People have to be warned

that Frank Burns is dangerous with sharp instruments

like scalpels and probes.

Pierce, listen, there is a war on.

Nothing gets by you, Henry.

See you in the funny papers.

Oh, boy, his kid needs more than a new set of plugs.

Look at that.

Iliac artery?

Yeah. The lace‐curtain effect's done

by a fragmentation grenade.

Gimme some suction here.

Suction.

What's the score, John?

He's doing pretty well,

considering what you're doing to him.

Okay, the bleeding seems to have stopped.

‐Let me have that bonecutter. ‐Right.

Bonecutter.

Interior vertebral body is fractured.

I'm going to go in after that big fragment.

‐Forceps. ‐Forceps.

Do you think he'll be paralyzed?

Not if these ten fingers haven't lost their magic.

There we are, folks.

‐"Made in USA." ‐You're joking.

Just wanted to see if you were awake.

Private Thompson?

You did him yesterday.

Multiple fragment wounds. Lacerated iliac artery.

So what's his problem?

Outside of the fact that he ought to be back home

with his girlfriend at the movies.

Oh, he has a fever, abdominal pain...

urinary output 50cc an hour.

Pulse rate 112, blood pressure 110 over 70.

I've heard better news in my time.

Hiya.

This is Dr Pierce. He operated on you.

Hi, Doc.

‐How's it goin'? ‐Lousy.

Well, that figures.

You were on the table a long time.

People were beginning to think we were going steady.

My gut hurts.

Yeah.

Okay, I'll be right back.

Don't run off and re‐enlist.