Troop Zero

Last summer, Mama gave me

this flashlight to signal the aliens.

She said, "Of course there’s life out there.

Now go outside."

But now it’s just me and y’all, the aliens of the universe,

so if you can hear me...

I am Christmas Flint, human female.

I think you’d like me.

I think you’d want to be my friend.

Dang it.

And I don’t want no ketchup stains

-on those pages again. -Yes, ma’am.

Mama believed that sound waves

travel out into the universe.

She said that if I ever got lonely,

I should just send my message out.

-(indistinct chatter) Joseph!

All right, give me the ball.

-Uh-huh. -Here you go.

Ramsey Flint, attorney-at-law.

What it is, boss? What it is, boss.

Now, now, hold up, Joe Frank. I’m your attorney.

-Yeah, you got to listen to me. -(country music playing)

Not about the property line now.

That is a big tractor, Joe Frank.

I’d advise you get out of the way.

This is legal advice.

You not hungry?

No, I’m talking to the dog.

Hey, I’m just trying to save your life.

That’s the boss man.

-He’s my dad. -(dial tone humming)

Damn it.

He’s doing his best.

It ain’t his fault he loses so much.

Where are my pants? -Since Mama died,

he’s been losing everything.

Boss, when we’re done talking,

you think our words travel out into the universe forever?

I sure as heck hope not.

I swear...

I’m gonna pop somebody, I don’t get my damn money.

Miss Rayleen?

I got to go down,

take care of Joe Frank in Live Oak.

Where are your pants?

You 400 in the hole, and you talking

-about Joe Frank. Now, listen...

That’s Miss Rayleen.

She’s an intergalactic warrior.

You know what? You the boss, but you a broke-ass boss.

But she crash-landed here,

working for my dad instead of going to law school.

Ain’t nothing wrong helping somebody.

Still, she’s the smartest person

-you’re gonna meet. -We can discuss this later.

I got to find my pants. You move my pants?

I don’t have anything to do with your pants.

Mr. Ramsey, hi. I can’t pay you yet,

but I brought you some avocados.

-Avo-what? -A-Avocados.

It’s the good Lord’s way of saying "mayonnaise."

Huh?

Uh, we’ll get your payment soon.

You don’t need no mayonnaise.

You need some money. You know how much

you have in your bank account?

-I do. It ain’t pretty. -You pay-- Th-Thank you, miss.

You pay her no mind.

-Everybody’s doing their best. -I’m going to the deck.

I’m doing my best not to whup your ass.

Boss... h-hold up.

Got to make contact, though.

I know you ain’t walking around looking like that.

Take that off.

Look at that hair.

People gonna think you were raised by wolves.

| Oh, yes |

| I’m the great defender... |

-What it is, boss? What it is, Dwayne.

What it is, Miss Rayleen?

If it ain’t $200 for the petty theft,

-I don’t want to hear it. That can wait.

I’m gonna need his services, actually.

Let’s go. Prepare to fall out.

Joe Frank got himself arrested again.

We got to go bail him out.

Hey, there are my pants. All right.

People ain’t got no sense.

Boss, don’t you touch that hair! You’ll mess it up!

You be a real sweet, go grab me a beer?

Now, I know you already offered one to Mr. Dwayne.

-Isn’t she sweet? -Just like her mama.

I can’t do it.

-(clattering) -Hey. What the hell?

: Why’d you say that?

Now, now, now, now, now, now.

Like this, boss.

That’s how it go.

King of Beers. Clink it up.

King of Beers.

Mmm. Tell you what.

You don’t back down till you reach them aliens, huh?

Give me that.

Maybe they can come down here

and babysit or something. (chuckles)

Sir, yes, sir.

All right.

Uh, all right, come on, Fluffy.

-Y’all have a good time. -(Fluffy barking)

-Whoop! -Dwayne, fall out!

(indistinct shouting outside, car doors open and close)

Miss Rayleen?

Can you help me get my flashlight brighter?

You going up on that deck again?

Mm, I don’t know.

Don’t you have any girlfriends?

-I got you. -Uh-uh.

I’m not a friend. I’m a grown-up.

Then I guess nah.

What about that little sparkly friend?

His daddy’s making him football-practice.

God help that boy.

Nobody at school?

They all say I pee myself, even though I don’t.

No. No, no, no, I know.

What’s that?

It’s a curler.

What’s it for?

Make your eyelashes look longer.

Weird.

Miss Rayleen?

You think I could be part alien?

I worry about you, Christmas.

Do you want to watch The Outer Limits later?

I’m sorry, boo, but I’m busy tonight.

When Mama died, everyone said

all kinds of different stuff.

She’s in Heaven.

She’s here with me but invisible.

The boss man says she got turned into stars

and comets and meteors, and I think that’s what’s true.

I think she’s stars and comets and meteors.

WOMAN (on TV): I would like to introduce

this bill of sale as Defense Exhibit A.

That’s what I would do, too.

MAN (on TV): ...were involved in something more frivolous.

Well, there are those of us

who still side with the establishment.

-(gavel bangs) -Case dismissed.

Go! Go, run, run, run!

Hey, get them legs up! Get them legs up!

Yeah! All right, now zigzag. Zigzag.

Zigzag. Serpentine. Yeah! They ain’t gonna catch you

-if you serpentine. All right. -(panting)

Good hustle. All right.

All right, now go long, go long. Go, go, go.

I want you to tell Joseph

it gets better for people like us.

-For the ones with no mamas. -(yelps)

Or the girl boys and the falsely accused bed wetters.

Hey! Hey.

-But you might have to lie. -That’s all right.

Come on, bring it back in.

Bring it back in. Hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle.

Are we done yet? Give me the ball.

All right, now, you got to be faster.

-You have got to be fast. -I don’t need to be fast.

-No, you’re gonna be faster. Joseph.

I’ve been watching you.

You’re gonna have to learn to run fast as all hell.

Right? All right. So go long.

Set, hut!

Okay, turn around.

Hands up. Back up.

-Here we go! -| I say a little prayer for you |

| I’m combing my hair now |

| And wondering what dress to wear now |

| Wear now |

| I say a little prayer for you |

| Forever and ever |

| You’ll stay in my heart... |

-Run! -It’s Hell-No!

Let’s get out of here!

Tax day. I’m y’all tax collector.

Give me y’all’s tax!

You’d be advised

to stay the hell away from Hell-No Price.

Hey, Betsy-Wetsy.

-It’s not true. -It don’t matter.

Come on, just run.

Hey! I will hunt you down!

She’s got the ferocity

of a T. rex and twice the appetite.

Hell-No Price, I heard she done ate her parents.

Get down here!

I said get down here!

-Crap. -You got to pay.

You don’t got tax...