Shrinking

I barely slept. You snored like crazy.

That's impossible. I don't snore.

- Right. Must've been me. - Yeah.

Yeah.

- Bye. - Bye.

Hey. How goes it, Derek?

Great! My wife has no faults.

Happy for you, man.

Morning. What's going on?

So you were right about Alice crushing on Sean.

Wait, don't move. Don't move.

- Jesus Christ. - Oh, my God! Oh, shit!

It's so early, Liz.

Come on, come on.

- Fuck me. - Come, come, come.

- We fucking told you. - We were supposed to say it together.

I'm sorry. I just got... I got so excited about roasting him.

- What are you doing here? - Funny you should ask.

- Last night, we got pretty twisted... - "Shmammered."

and I would feel pretty self-conscious about it,

but I feel like this was meant to be.

It's like God had a plan for you to see Jimmy eat shit.

Wow.

You know what? Go ahead and gloat because the longer you do,

the later you are to pick up Paul for work.

Oh, fuck! Oh, no!

- Yeah. Drive safe, you asshole. - Shut up!

Hope he's so mad, he woofs at you!

Sometimes Paul gets so mad, he woofs at you.

- Okay. Listen, you trust Sean, right? - I do, yeah.

So don't sweat this crush thing.

I know. I mean, I will.

- But don't. - Thanks, Liz.

Your husband's asleep in the driveway.

He's not bothering anybody.

Just trying to be a good grandfather. What can I get for his birthday?

- Did you get Doritos? - What? Yes, I got Doritos.

- What? - Mason wants Doritos.

- For his birthday? - No,

he wants a Switch.

What the fuck is a Switch?

It's a gaming console that all of his friends have.

Why don't I get him some money?

He likes money, doesn't he?

Sure. Great.

- Where is she? - Where's who, Dad?

Oh, my co-worker's been driving me to work, and she's not here.

Why is she driving you to work?

She wants company.

And she chose you?

I'm fun in a car. I do punch buggy.

Come on. What is going on? Is everything okay?

Nothing's going on. My car's in the shop, that's all.

- Wait. She's here. - Dad.

- I'll talk to you later. - Bye.

Oh, my gosh. Paul, I'm so, so sorry.

I just need to take a quick shower and change my clothes,

and then I'm gonna make a green juice. Do you want one? I'm so sorry.

Woof.

It's awful.

You're crazy. I think it's cute.

Hey. How are you two?

Sean hates his new license photo. Tell him it's good.

Okay.

Sean, you look great in this license photo.

Your cheekbones are poppin'. Poppin', poppin'.

And the fact that you're an organ donor makes you even hotter.

Why do you have to make things so weird?

I... It was a... It was a weird assignment.

Dude!

You okay?

Yeah, it's my dad. He keeps hitting me up to get together.

One minute, he's kicking me out. The next, he being all nice and shit.

Sean, you should stay mad at your dad for as long as you can.

- Really? - No.

Don't do that. It's annoying.

Look, I relate... I'm in a really dysfunctional relationship

with Paul at the moment. But you know what?

Neither of us are getting anywhere just sitting here being resentful, right?

I mean, I kinda like it.

I know. It's so good.

But maybe we gotta, like, dive in, you know?

Get things moving forward.

You think I should see my dad?

Yeah, why not? You know what, let's be brave.

You and me, okay?

We'll grab these relationships by the balls, right?

Like...

Still so fucking weird.

- It's pretty weird, man. - Yeah.

I mean, it's weird when you... When I see it.

And when I confronted him about the cheating, he wasn't even sorry.

He was like, "Yeah, so? She's hot."

That was a dream. It never happened.

Yes, but where did my subconscious get the idea?

Okay, yeah. Donna, I'm gonna have to side with Mark here.

Don't celebrate.

- Can I have just, like, a little joy? - No.

And Donna, the dream thing.

Why don't you just take a nap and see if dream Mark apologizes?

He won't. Dream Mark is an asshole.

Well, in my dreams, you're awesome.

The only difference is your hands are pizza slices

that regenerate when I eat them.

We're done with dreams, all right?

No more talking about dreams for the rest of this session.

You lived together for years before you got married,

and you never argued this much.

- She wasn't as crazy. - That's not helpful.

- Point for me. - Don't do that.

There is no point system.

I don't know where you guys picked that up, so please stop.

Listen, when you guys were living together,

I think you guys knew subconsciously that you could leave.

But now you're married, so all of your issues just get magnified.

I think the best thing for you two to do

is share your insecurities with each other and process them together.

Do you and your husband do that?

You betcha.

"You betcha"? Who the fuck says "you betcha"?

- Reba McEntire. - True.

You know, what I should've said was, "Marriage is a big-ass pit of misery,

and that's why I got divorced because it slowly sucks away your soul

until you wake up one day and you don't even recognize yourself in the mirror."

That's what the fuck I should've said.

No, you shouldn't say that. That's stupid.

Come on, Paul. Cheer me up a little bit.

- Please. - Gaby.

Marriage is an institution that was created back when people died young.

It was built on land ownership, and procreation.

These days, it's mainly used to subjugate women and sell air fryers.

God. You suck at pep talks, you know that?

- Yeah, I do. - That's okay, though,

'cause it takes the sting out of the fact that you're Jimmy's mentor and not mine.

I'm not Jimmy's mentor.

You are, and you love it.

You know, when I started here, you and Jimmy were already tight.

You know, cool white guys talking about how much you guys like Nina Simone.

- I love Nina Simone. - And you know what? It's fine.

If I had my choice, you wouldn't be my mentor anyway.

- No? - No.

I would choose somebody who looked like me.

Well, that makes sense.

You know, when I was in grad school,

all my professors were cranky, old white guys.

I hate those guys.

Hey, Paul. How are ya?

Good? Good. Me too. Hey, Gabs. Good to see ya.

So, I was out in the hallway and I was gonna come in and ask you for help.

My patient, Grace, won't respond to me.

And then it occurred to me that you're not talking to me about patients,

so I decided not to come in.

Yet here you are.

Yet here I am.

Listen, Paul. I know you think that I've made some bad choices,

but can we please just move forward?

It's the buzzer.

I gotta be honest, I don't love the buzzer, Paul.

Then you should say things that I agree with.

- Can you not do that right now? - It's funny.

You know what, Paul?

I used to think that I knew how you felt about me,

but I guess I was wrong.

And that's okay, because I don't need your advice

and I don't need your validation.

So how about henceforth, going forward, you and I,

we just don't talk at all?

'Kay.

- I don't want this. Take this. - Bye, Paul.

You know, you can be a real dick sometimes, Paul.

Sometimes?

- Bye, babe. - Bye.

Hey. Is this bow tie cute, or do I look like Smithers from The Simpsons ?

It's very cute.

- You didn't even glance at me. - I didn't?

I am in danger of looking like an animated character

who's worn the same clothes for 30 years. Please?

Just... Come on, look. Is it cute?

- Oh, wow. - Is it working?

- Yes. - Thank you!

Yes. You are so cute.

Thanks. You're the best.

- How'd you get so lucky, huh? - Everything goes my way.

What?

Nothing. Just love you.

Good. Everyone's here.

Sorry to interrupt you at work, but I have huge news. So sorry, not sorry.

"Sorry, not sorry" is something nobody says anymore,

so I want you... that from your vocabulary.

But I can still pull it off. I have the ability to say things

with an undercurrent of irony so you know I'm in on the joke.

La, la, la. Is this your fucking podcast? Speed it up. People got shit to do.

I guess I'm just nervous to tell you guys

because you just split up with Nico and Jimmy's got the...

Dead wife.

Yeah, but you're my closest friends, so I'm just gonna say it.

I'm gonna propose to Charlie.

Seriously? Nothing? Do you hate love?

No, no. We're happy for you, man.

It's just that you said you're gonna propose to Charlie