Two and a Half Men

* Men.

Morning.

Morning.

Oh!

We got Maple Loops.

* It's got oats and corns and wheat *

* It's the sweetest breakfast treat *

* It's Maple, maple, maaaaple-icious! *

Not a Maple Loops fan?

Oh. Oh, no, I'm sorry.

It's just, uh, threw me.

My, uh, my brother wrote that jingle.

Get out of here-- he wrote Maple Loops?

Yeah, yeah, he wrote lots of jingles--

Maple Loops, Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets.

Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets?

* From the magic chocolate mountain *

* There's a secret chocolate mine *

* With Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets and a taste *

* That's oh so fine.

Wow, that's a good memory.

What else, what else?

Uh, well, there was Hammerstein Beer.

* The girls look prettier with Hammerstein Beer *

* You like what you see, you like what you hear *

* Grab a cold frosty mug and pull her near *

* 'Cause the girls look prettier *

* With Hammerstein Beer.

I had no idea your brother was a freaking genius.

Well, he managed to live 44 years

screwing everything that moved

without catching a fatal venereal disease.

I...

I suppose there's a form of genius in that.

You don't talk about him very much.

Were you guys close?

Oh, yeah, we were, we were inseparable.

I mean, why do you think we lived together for so long?

Well, Berta says it's 'cause you're a parasitic leech.

Admittedly, that was one of his pet names for me,

but not true.

H-He loved me and I loved him.

Oh, oh, you remember this one? Uh...

* Bad stuff grows in the cracks of your toes *

* But nobody knows

* Like Toezene.

Yeah, he said I inspired that one.

You miss him, don't you?

Oh, of course I miss him.

I don't miss the smell of vomit and lubricant in the morning...

but I-I do miss him.

Oh, what about this one?

* I'm a pepper, he's a pepper *

* She's a pepper, we're a pepper *

* Wouldn't you like to be a pepper, too? *

Uh, uh, no, Charlie didn't do that one.

Oh, it's not that catchy anyway.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

* It's got

* Oats and corn and wheat

* It's the sweetest breakfast treat *

* It's... * It's...

* Maple, maple, maaaaple-icious! *

Oh, sorry.

You were being sad, weren't you?

A little.

No, I-I can't tell you how many hours

I watched my brother playing this piano

or passed out under it.

One time I walked in and he was having sex on top of it.

You can see where the young lady's ass print

didn't quite wax out.

Maybe he should have used a coaster.

New business idea-- ass coasters.

We're here to pick up a piano.

Oh, right, I, I forgot.

Uh...

Hold on.

So I imagine you're anxious

to get rid of some of these

painful memories.

No, are you kidding me?

I mean, this piano is practically

all I have left of my brother,

except for, you know, all the DNA

he left on the couch and...

on the floor and...

on the walls and on the stairs,

but I'm not going to clone him, so the piano's pretty much it.

Okay, we got a problem then. How so?

Well, you know how I'm redecorating the house?

I donated the piano to a music school for underprivileged kids.

What?

How could you be so selfish?

I'm sorry, I'll just tell the kids

they have to keep practicing on a painted slab of wood.

No, no, you're right.

This, this should go to someone

who will benefit from it.

You sure?

Yeah, yeah, let me, uh, let me just get

Charlie's personal stuff out of here.

Oh, oh, here's some of his unfinished music.

Uh, panties.

Panties... panties.

Water pipe.

Oh, vibrator.

Oh.

So we're talking songs,

thongs, bongs, and schlongs.

If he had an autobiography, that would be the title.

You know, there was a time

when I would have found these things disgusting.

And now?

There's a certain wistfulness

mixed in with my revulsion.

Ready to go here?

Uh, yeah, come on in.

It's over here.

Thanks, we would've had trouble finding it.

I changed my mind!

You can't have him!

Okay, okay, Alan, Alan,

what about the kids?

Screw 'em!

We're gonna need another minute.

Oh, Charlie, why?

Why, why, why, why, why?!

Why?!

White people.

* Men.

Hello, Dad?

Right here.

Oh, hey.

Something's different.

Your uncle's piano is gone.

Oh, yeah.

Were we robbed?

Yes, we're the latest victims of the piano thieves

that have been plaguing the beach.

Damn, they got my good bong.

What?

Oh, man, that is so wrong.

No, it wasn't a robbery.

Walden's redecorating.

Cool.

You know, for some reason,

your uncle's death is really starting to hit me.

I mean, I don't know if I was in de...

What are you doing?

Um, a toast to Uncle Charlie?

Nice try.

You're not the only one who misses him, you know.

Really?

You never talk about it.

I need a beer to loosen up.

Not gonna happen.

Now, come on, talk to me.

I don't know, Uncle Charlie just never treated me

like I was some stupid kid.

That's nice.

He treated me more like a stupid person.

Well, I know he loved you.

Then how come he didn't leave me anything?

Well, you don't measure love by things.

I disagree.

Nothing says "I love you" like a Mercedes CL600.

Hey, the Mercedes was leased.

And is that all your uncle meant to you-- a nice car?

Of course not-- I learned a lot from him.

Like what?

Well, let's see.

If it doesn't fit, don't force it.

It's always better to say sorry afterwards

than ask for permission before.

And if it's burning, bleeding, or oozing,

go to see a doctor ASAP.

Oh, God.

But probably the most important thing I learned

is that by the time I'm his age,

I want to be married and have a family.

Really?

Yeah, Uncle Charlie was very lonely, Dad.

Yeah, yeah, he was.

And I don't want to be like him.

Well, good for you.

Of course, I don't want to be like you either.

Even better.

By the way, do you have a number for this Dr. Asap?

He's not listed anywhere.

What?

I mean, I don't need him right now,

but I want to have him on speed dial, so if I do,

I can get him as soon as possible.

ASAP?

Yeah, him.

A-S-A-P?

I know how to spell it, Dad, I'm not an idiot.