Two and a Half Men

MAN ( on TV ): The kick is up.

It's long enough.

It's no good.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Yeah!

Who won?

Who cares? We covered the spread.

Charlie, call me an old-fashioned dad,

but I was hoping my son wouldn't start betting on sports

until he was old enough to have a drinking problem.

He didn't make a bet.

I just gave him a taste of my action.

Nor do I want him tasting your action.

Dad, without action, there's no juice.

All of a sudden, he's Frank Sinatra.

I'll bet that's the pizza.

What's the spread?

Pepperoni.

What's next, Charlie?

You going to teach him how to shoot craps?

He already knows how to shoot craps.

I just wish I could teach him not to bet the hard eight.

Hey, Mr. Harper. Here you go.

Nice and hot.

I threw in some extra garlic puffs as well.

Thanks, pal.

Thank you, Mr. Harper.

If there's anything you ever need,

anything at all, please call.

You know, pizza, dry cleaning,

: pot, women.

How much do you tip him?

I don't know. I gave him a 50.

That's... that's like a 300% tip.

If you say so.

I was never good at math.

Oh, yeah, but you can figure out the point spread,

the over-under and the vigorish

on every football game in the country.

What can I tell you?

I've got a beautiful mind.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men *

* Men... *

Morning, Berta.

Need some help?

Yeah, come to my house and explain to my daughter

that we don't put up bail

for cute guys with Costa Rican passports.

Morning.

I got your groceries, Charlie.

You owe me $74.

Why didn't you just use my credit card?

I tried.

Funny story.

My platinum card.

Look what they did to my platinum card.

They decapitated my holographic eagle.

Yeah, yeah, that's sad.

You owe me 74 bucks.

Relax. I'll write you a check.

Uh-uh.

Berta, I'm good for $74.

Well, there's an assistant store manager

with bad skins and pair of scissors

who begs to differ.

Well, he obviously made a mistake.

Leave it to me, I'll straighten it out.

Alan, what do I do?

Uh, call the bank that issued the card

and figure out what's going on.

Good idea.

How do I get the number?

Uh, it's usually on the back of the card.

Okay, now, this may take a while.

Are you sure?

Okay. Thanks.

I don't believe it.

None of my bills have been paid in four months.

My credit is shot.

All my cards are dead.

Well, you don't have to worry

about paying me this week, Charlie.

Thank you, Berta.

I'll just take this espresso maker

and be on my way.

Call me when things pick up.

Charlie, why haven't you been paying your bills?

Alan, I don't pay my own bills.

I've got a guy.

Do you think you might want to call your guy?

Hey, don't talk down to me, Alan.

I'm not stupid.

That's the first call I made.

And...? And...

his number is not in service at this time.

Wonderful building.

What's wrong with it?

Well, the phrase, "reeks of urine"

comes to mind.

Here we are.

That's seldom a good sign.

Hello? Stan?

Who wants to know?

Charlie Harper.

Charlie!

Hey, it's good to see you.

Come on in.

Just don't rip the tape-- they check.

So, what's going on?

What can I do you for?

Well, Stan, I got a problem.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

Well, sit down.

Talk to me, huh.

All of my credit cards are dead.

And they tell me the bills haven't been paid

in four months.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Uh, excuse me.

Maybe this is none of my business,

but how does something like that happen?

Well, in layman's terms...

your brother ran out of money.

What?

How did I run out of money?

Oh, I knew you'd ask that.

Let me demonstrate.

Think of this water as cash flow,

which for you would be, you know,

royalties from your jingles.

Right?

And, uh, and this cup: your financial well-being.

This little hole...

would be your expenses.

Right?

You dig? Okay.

Now, Charlie, with most people, when money comes in,

it drips out

and pays their bills with a healthy reserve

for emergencies.

See?

But with you, however--

this is what I love about you, Charlie...

...you...

...you spend it as quick as you get it.

You see, you don't drip.

You hemorrhage.

Whoo-ee! Huh.

Look at that.

But when the cash flow starts to slow down...

there's no reserve!

Okay.

But what happened to my money?

Artists, huh.

Where would we be without them?

What I don't understand

is why you didn't warn him this was happening.

Okay, okay, mea culpa.

Look, I've been a little distracted lately.

Slight problem with the Feds.

Are you embezzling from my brother?

Embezzle what?

Hello!

I thought you were the smart one.

No, this is a... a-a totally unrelated

import-export problem.

All right?

I just cannot believe one of the piñatas

actually showed up at a kid's party.

Oh, boy.

This has been a blast-- don't get me wrong--

but I have-I have a plane to catch right now so, uh...

Hey, I'll tell you what.

Just feel free,

and browse through all your files.

And listen, Charlie,

I'm running a little short on cash.

So maybe you-- look who I'm asking!

Look who I'm asking!

It was great meeting you, sport.

Ciao.

And you were worried.

Well, the good news is that a substantial amount of royalties

is going to come in in the next couple of months.

Great.

Problem solved. Let's go out to dinner.

No. Problem not solved.

But I'm hungry.

Get used to it.

It's going to take a while

to pay off all the bills your accountant ignored.

So, until then, you're going to have to cut back.

But you said I got money coming.

Shall I go get the paper cup?

Okay. What do we cut?

Well, let's look at your expenses.

First thing is, we stop paying your accountant.

That's a little cold, isn't it?

He's a great guy. I've known him for years.