Rivals

Hello?

Hi.

Bit blowy.

Are you nervous?

No?

Yes. A bit. Were you?

Yes. Yeah, a-a bit.

Well, not that I'm not, you know, glad to...

Oh, but, well, there's… there's no rush.

What are you doing for half term?

Uh, taking photos mainly.

What do you take photos of?

Birds.

Of the Cheltenham Ladies' College variety?

Oh, wow.

I develop my own film. There's a dark room through there.

You're a camera nerd?

Well, uh…

- Why birds? - They're everywhere.

Once you start seeing them and hearing them,

you realise they're all around us.

This cast of characters you didn't even realise were there.

Look at the pattern on the feathers here. It's called vermiculation.

Isn't it amazing?

And that's just a… that's just a mallard. It's just a regular duck.

Hmm. Gorgeous.

Go on, then. Favourite bird.

The fire crest.

I can't see it.

Oh, yeah. Well, it-it flew off just as I was taking the photo.

"Stop talking about birds now"?

No. I like it.

Are you sure about this?

Yes.

- Ow. Sorry. - Oh.

Is that okay?

So nice.

Is that you?

Um, I think so.

Do you wanna do it now?

Yes, please.

I don't believe it. You're magic.

You babysit and you manage to cook a proper meal while you're at it.

Did you manage to get much book editing done?

Some.

To be honest, I feel like I'm treading water

till I can start a new book

but the inspiration hasn't struck just yet.

How's life at the Priory?

Um, well, Mummy and Daddy seem better.

I mean, Daddy's still desperate about The Golden Gauntlet thing.

I think they might lose a lot of money if they don't win the franchise.

Mm-hmm.

Patrick loves Paris, not sure how much writing he's doing.

And I'm rushed off my feet. I've got four big dinners before the end of the month

and Christmas cake orders already coming in, so…

And anything for you? Any romance?

No. No. It's too busy. There's no time.

Well, you say "no time", I say "no time like the present".

When your person comes knocking,

you don't want to be too busy to answer the door.

I just can't see it, really.

Oh, it'll happen.

Just when you don't expect it, there he is.

Smiling at you like you brought the sun out.

Are you okay?

What, me?

Yeah.

I can't believe I just gave you my virginity.

I hope you're going to look after it.

I promise.

- Fuck. - What?

Oh, fucking fuck.

Come on. Calm down, calm… calm down, Siegfried.

What's wrong with you today?

Archie?

Archie?

Where are my knickers?

Huh?

Quick. Quick.

- Hello, darling, you're home! - Hi.

I didn't think you were back till tomorrow.

Uh, no, today.

Oh, honestly, your school terms get shorter and shorter.

I don't know what we're paying them for.

Oh, what are you doing?

I just got back. I'm just getting changed.

Your T-shirt's inside out.

Um…

Yes, uh… it's-it's punk.

Is it? The Telegraph says punk's finished.

Well… …I've always been a late starter.

Well, come down and have tea.

Uh, perhaps put some trousers on.

Oh! What a wonderful surprise!

She's gone.

Archie. Why do you have a naked photo of my mother?

What?

I did not take those, I swear.

I-I borrowed my dad's new camera. Maybe they were at the start of the film?

But why would my mum have your dad's camera?

Please, wait.

It's none of our business, Caitlin.

Two of our parents are being made fools of,

and you don't want to do anything?

Or are you scared of your dad?

No.

Then come with me.

Oh, don't be ridiculous...

Fine. I'll go home and show this to my mum.

Caitlin, don't do anything stupid.

Oh!

Hello, Caitlin. Have you broken up early too?

Ah, I see.

I think we'd better have a chat, don't you?

Come into the sitting room. There's tea.

Milk and sugar, Caitlin?

Yes, please.

Do have a biscuit.

Thank you.

Now, I have to say, I am very disappointed.

You know I value truthfulness highly, Archie.

Do you have an explanation fit for adult ears,

or should I go ahead and believe the worst?

- She's helping me. - Interesting.

With a photography project.

Oh? What are you taking photos of?

Birds. Mostly.

Are there a lot of birds in Archie's bedroom?

From the…

- The window. - …the window.

And what sort of birds?

Um, a fire crest.

Goodness. And you got a picture, did you?

It flew off.

So that's not a picture of it?

Um, no.

What's that a picture of?

Um, it's not a picture.

- That's not a picture? - No, it's just a… a contact sheet.

You-You were running out of the house with it.

That seems a fuss for just a contact sheet. So let me see.

I'm not sure Archie wants to show you before he's decided which...

And you can't see it without developing the...

I'm running out of patience, Archie.

Give it to me, Caitlin, please, before I telephone your mother.

No.

Caitlin!

Uh, pass my reading glasses, would you?

Now what am I looking at, Archie?

Daddy will be home soon, I should think.

Are you staying to supper, Caitlin?

And finally this evening, let's see what the forecast has in store for us.

Over to James at the weather easel.

Thank you, Sarah.

And after an overcast start to today,

you can see we continue with a rather unsettled picture

for the rest of the evening.

Ooh, ooh. With a few outbreaks of rain

scattered across the south of our region later on.

But tomorrow should have a better outlook for us all with some sunny intervals.

Now we've just had a call from a Mrs Oates in Bisley,

who rang Corinium to say that she's heard there's a hurricane on the way.

Well, don't worry, there absolutely isn't.

Mmm, delicious, darling.

Thank you.

She didn't make it.

- Archie. - What?

Doesn't he know you get Taggie to fill up the freezer once a month?

- We're eating from the Venturer menu. - I shouldn't worry about it, Archie.

Your mother has better things to do than cook.

And you're hardly one to criticise eating from the Venturer menu.

Shall we talk about the pair of you bunking off for half term a day early?

Hmm?

Later perhaps.

How was your day?

Marvellous. Tremendously busy.

I'm sure your father is too, Caitlin.

Especially after his Golden Gauntlet disaster.

I hear it was quite the spectacle. Sorry nobody ever got to see it on screen.

Don't mind if you pass on our stunning viewing figures for Master Dog .

Seven million for the first heat.

Yeah. Who needs Barbara Woodhouse when you've got James Vereker?

And we have a terrific actress for the new series of Four Men Went to Mow .

Maud O'Hara. Real star in the making, that one.

- Camera adores her. - Tony.

I mean it. She's a corker! Phwoar.

You can tell your father we are so glad he was able to farm her out.

That's rather good, isn't it? Farm her out…

Christ's sake, Mum!

Don't you care?

It was your mother's idea to cast her in the first place.

Oh, my God.

Yes, I don't think she meant for you to fuck her.

What?

I developed the film in your camera.

We've seen the pictures.

Photo shoot for the show.

Without your clothes on?

You're in the mirror, Dad.