Dash

Sorry, I'm not here.

Hey, I just wanted to talk.

One of these days, maybe you will, too.

I, um, I know you have a lot

going through your head right now.

I think we all do.

And I know this isn't exactly the curve ball

you were expecting--

shit, more like a cannon ball, really,

but I just want you to know that you're not alone.

I'm scared shitless.

I just can't stop wondering if--

if we're doing the right thing here, you know?

I know you said this is for the best, but--

I just can't justify it. I don't know.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is,

the silver lining to this whole mess

is that I guess I think I love you.

Aww!

So, um, yeah. I know you're working or whatever,

but call me when you get a chance.

Just want to make sure we're still good for tonight.

See you soon.

The "L" word, huh?

Yeah. Hormones.

Hormones.

Hormones, my dick, man, she digs ya!

This? This is hormones. Little wobbly down there, huh?

I know, I know. I'm sorry.

You don't gotta be sorry to me, man.

My arm's cramping like a motherfucker.

Hmm. So you're a quitter now, huh?

I guess so.

Huh.

I'm sorry, its... I just--

I mean, do you think she really meant that?

Or is she just saying that because--

and I barely even know her.

I don't know, it's just... I'm sorry.

You don't want to hear this crap.

I just... I just want her to be happy.

Worst case of ED I'd ever seen.

- I don't have ED, I just... -Emotional dependency.

Emotional dependency. I don't know which one's worse.

Two peas in a shitty pod, huh?

Ain't the pea-pod that's shitty, my man,

it's the roots. Well, I've got to get back home.

Wait, wait. You're leaving? Wh... why?

I got so much stuff I have to do before tomorrow.

Can you please just hang?

Just for a second, please? Just this once?

- I... I can't. -Um, ah, how's D?

Is he ready for the big day tomorrow?

Want to see what the little shithead did this morning?

No! Is that his cake for tomorrow?

Yep.

What? He ate that much? Are you sure it wasn't Lola?

Lola was at the vet this morning, remember?

Just... wait, check it.

- Ooh, is that-- - Puke?

Yep. Bet yer ass it is.

A big ol' pile of puke right in the middle of his bed.

Little fucker tried to make his bed

on top of the pile of puke, just to hide it.

I spent all afternoon cleaning that shit up.

Oh! The smell.

If I tell you something,

you promise you won't get pissed?

It smelled a little puke-y when you got in the car just now.

Oh, motherfucker!

And you weren't even gonna say nothing?

I didn't want to be rude!

Come on, man! Huh! I smell like puke,

my whole entire apartment smells like puke.

Got my entire family coming over tomorrow,

it's just gonna be one giant fucking puke-fest,

with no goddamned birthday cake! Fuck.

Mother fucking, mother of the year.

Strange being a parent.

John says 'hi' to me the wrong way

and I just wanna fucking castrate him.

And this dude pukes all over my shit.

I just can't wait to get home and see him.

Guess that's love, huh?

Or ED.

Oh, motherfucker! It's on... it's on me! Fuck!

My whole fucking car's gonna smell like fucking milk puke!

I got something.

- God damn! - Wait one second, wait.

Fuck!

Fuckin' shit.

Here. Here, here.

It's not the most chic, but, you know,

at least your car won't smell like a dairy dumpster.

Heh-- I don't know why you're cracking jokes, dude,

you still let me tug away at that shit, smelling like this.

I'll give it a-- oh wait, I'll wash it

and I'll give it back to you tomorrow.

Ah, yeah, don't worry about it.

Oh, uh, there's something else I want you to have here.

Sorry I didn't have time to wrap it.

I had to go to, like, three stores before I fo...

This is the one he wanted, right?

The Purple Plower? I thought you said that--

Yeah.

Thanks. That... he's gonna love it.

Ha.

Is this hug gonna cost me an extra five bucks?

Hmm.

Still want to do this? It ain't too late, you know.

Yeah, it is. It's about nine months too late.

- Well, then, do you got cash? - Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here.

Thanks...

Oh, and uh I still want to pay-- Oh, shit!

What the hell are you doing, man?!

- I'm sorry. Oopsie-- - No! Fuck! No!

Okay, okay, okay.

Shit, calm down, man!

And you don't have to pay me for the... that.

No no, don't be silly. I still--

I got it. I got it.

I normally don't do that sort of thing,

so just accept it before I take it back.

Look, there's-- there's other ways of getting the money, you know.

This is like a zero sum business that you're fucking with.

Look, I'm in no business to be giving advice.

Nor should anyone listen to a goddamned thing that I have to say,

but I will say this.

All your actions have consequences, man.

Just because you can't see 'em

doesn't mean that they're not fucking shit up elsewhere.

Just like the shitty roots to your shitty pea-pod.

Just don't fix that shit at the roots,

it'll just... keep on spreading.

Kinda like that puke smell, huh?

That's why I changed. Why I gotta go.

Good luck, pal.

- See you next week? - I hope not.

Have fun tomorrow at the--

As we continue to rock at KBILLY Bonanza

with another tune from Bobby Day, only on K-B-I-L-L-Y,

Say you're sorry.

No, I will not say I'm sorry,

because, A.) I'm not fucking sorry,

and B.) I'm not sorry that I'm not fucking sorry.

Ow!

and C.) you should be-- and C.) looking for Beaux?

Yeah.

And C.) you should be sorry!

Whatever. I'm over it!

Would the two of you just stop until we get there?

Jesus! This isn't the time or the place. Sorry about that!

You just don't get it, do you, like...

How was I supposed to know you got drug-tested at work?

I'm not your fucking husband.

Oh, Jesus! Is this about the ring?

Fine. You can have mine!

Oh, is that how you feel? Fine.

Then take mine, too! That's just great!

Oh, you two can both suck my ass.

If this is how the whole arrangement is gonna go on

from now on because a couple of rings,

you can count me out, bunch of fucking queens!

Fine, then.

Fine!

So, ah... do you all get drug-tested?

You heard that?

Uh, I mean, I wasn't trying to, it's just you guys--

you guys like drugs?

Sweetie, as I was just telling these two infants,

we live in Los Angeles...

if you don't have a drug or alcohol problem,

you're doing it wrong.

Oh, just because I happen to like my job, that means--

Oh, no need to whisper now, honey,

the fat lady's belting an encore!

Whatever, you fucking drug addict! There!

Okay, no. Fuck this. Could you pull over, please?

Yeah, just pull over.

Get that cardio, honey,

try not to buy any crack on your way home!

- Please just keep driving. - Cause you're a drug addict!

- Sorry. - Crackhead.

- Stop being such a bitch! - Thank you. Wait, me or him?

You, Beaux, Jesus! We're just trying to look out for you!

Well, stop!

I'm not your fucking husband, I'm not your child,

I'm just some guy that both of you fuck

because you two are bored with each other!

I can't believe you just said that.

Mind if I say something?

Wish someone would.

I think it's pretty cool.

You know, the whole gay marriage thing.

Oh, Jesus Christ,

next you're gonna tell us you voted for Obama, right?

It feels like Thanksgiving all over again.

Voting for Obama twice. I did that.

No, no. Not that.