Dead Pixels

The Blue Danube Waltz by Johann Strauss II

Alison, have you learnt the fucking flute?

I...

A little bit. Grade 4.

Well done! I'm sure that'll come in really useful.

Just a fucking fluter now, aren't you?

Well, I'm a fucking flautist.

Whatever, Alison.

I'm actually doing a recital tomorrow night,

if you wanted to come.

It's in Oxford, but we could stay at my parents'.

We're about to finally make it into the Citadel.

We're going to slay the hive mother.

We are this close to averting a genocide.

Cor! No? Averting a genocide?

Bloody...

..well done, you!

Also...

..I think I've finally figured everything out with Russell. - Oh, yeah?

Yeah, because last night I was in one of my wine

fugs... You know my fugs? Sure. I know your fugs.

..and I was like,

Mm.

"I hate Russell and I love Nicky."

And then I thought, "I don't love Nicky!

"He is my nemesis, but I need him like Tanadaal needs the Chaplain." Mm.

So then I thought, "Russell for sex, Nicky for everything else."

And then I came up with a way to remember it "Russell in the bed, Nicky in the head."

That's great, Meg.

So great you came up with a way to remember it.

I'm actually feeling really positive about my choices for once.

And I know...

..we've had our...

But, like, I don't not

think of you as...

..a friend kind-of-thing.

Thanks, Meg.

That means a lot.

What was that?

What was what? - It was like a squeeze. You did, like, a condolence squeeze.

Meg, it's just a hug.

Sorry. No.

Anyway, I should probably crack on. I need to learn the Blue Danube.

Yeah. Me, too, actually.

I need to break the ramparts of the Citadel, find our way to the Spawn Chamber.

Good luck with your thing,

you big fucking fluter!

Whatever, Alison!

Ugh!

God. Here it is, the Citadel,

a once bustling metropolis,

brought to its knees by one woman's tyranny.

You could write an epic poem about the fall of the Citadel.

"On yonder lonely heath,

"a city snagged on the Devil's -"

No, Meg! Stop that right now!

Forget it, then! I just wanted to mark the occasion

because we are about to liberate the Ninth Kingdom!

Yeah, great. So Destiny 2 just arrived.

Nicky! Can we at least finish one game before we start the next?

You don't buy a puppy before the dog's dead.

That is exactly what you do.

Well, I've been thinking, actually, and I might try Rocket League instead.

"Oh. Right."

So we're gonna be playing separate games, then? I see.

What's next, separate jam, separate houses, separate everythings?

You've been using my fucking jam?!

"It's 6am.

"I should absolutely not be having another beer."

"Oh, butter fingers!"

"You're not flying today, are you?"

"I got back from a three-day stayover to Utah. I rushed straight back to the family.

"I'm kidding! I checked into a motel for a couple of days."

You need 48 hours to decompress. Also, the pressure's off now Wade's stepped into the breach.

It's like having a second wife. He's virtually living with us.

He's like, "Hey, can I borrow a pair of your pants?"

and I'm sat in the comfort of my motel suite, like,

"Dude, you wanna wear my pants and put my kids to bed, your funeral."

Anyway, I was going to suggest we get together and do something for the final mission.

You know, because we made the pact.

The sacred napkin.

Wherever that is.

"Alison's going away. We've got the place to ourselves."

I mean, if it wasn't so totally and heartbreakingly fucking lame,

we could cosplay it.

God, yeah! We'd totally do that if we were two absolute jack-off geeko stereotypes!

Or we could just - Let's just do it, anyway.

I've been working on a couple of outfits. I thought we could invite Russell.

It says he's online but I don't know where.

Oh, no idea. Haven't seen him.

I think I'm trapped in the Dark Circle! Can you hear me?

OK, you two, have a good say.

Don't fuck each other or do anything weird.

We won't!

Fucking... Fucking, come on!

Hath you sealed the bubble?

The bubble hath been sealed.

Hello,

Greta Longstocking.

Pleasure to make your acquaintance at long last, Morwick the Unwavering.

Nice pauldrons. What are they - You're breaking my vibe!

Can we not deconstruct the outfits, please?

So I made provisions for full lockdown!

Er, flapjacks - 1kg,

beef jerky - 1kg,

trail mix - 1kg, Swizzels, 1 half-kg,

Fruit-tella, popcorn,

potential wildcard - grapes.

It's smart. Everything's edible with one hand.

Also, they were selling off bottles of Weetabix drink for 5p in Food Cutter

because they're a year out of date, so I bought 80 of them.

Oh, my God! What else have you got Oh, nothing much.

Bog roll, batteries, first aid kit, a torch, pork crunch, Tunnock's teacakes,

length of rope, pen knife, tinned peaches, pears, pineapples.

Basically, we can remain in the bubble, in situ, the two of us,

for probably around 20 months without having to see another living soul.

You know, if required...

It's me - Russell!

What the fuck is he doing here? Nicky, he's part of the Guild.

He's not part of the Guild, Meg! He's a clown!

We're NASA, he's the chimp that gets fired into space!

You don't invite the space chimp to the big summer party!

Guys, I don't know if you know, I can hear you.

Well, he's not coming in! Well, he is coming in!

Because you have feelings and I have feelings! Do you know who else has feelings?

The spinster downstairs.

Right now, she's feeling very lonely!

She needs a carer! She needs full-time care!

Speaking of which... Don't let him in!

Hey, guys! Thanks so much for inviting me over!

Nicky? Hey, friend!

So good to actually meet you at long last!

Dude, it is so good to finally put a face to a name!

You look weirder than I expected.

You look a bit like the inside of a Dalek.

Oh, OK, yeah. I think I've heard that before.

Ooh!

No-one leaves until we kill the hive mother.

I better go get my costume on.

So, this is it, then? You're finally gonna have sex with him?

Because!

Need I remind you, Greta, darling, we're still legally married?

Well, so are me and him! We're all married, Nicky, the three of us!

God, that is so fucking French!

That's me! That's Greta!

You can't cage this!

You knew that when you married me, so it's a little bit late to be getting all bleurgh!

Well, Greta, dearest, it might behove you to keep your knickers on for a change!

Behove! Listen to Lord Morwick!

I am a lord, actually! I'm the Lord of Grey Vale,

which technically makes you a lady. Not that you fucking act like one!

I never should've married you! What was I thinking? I don't need a man!

I am a strong, independent hunchback!

Look, Meg,

this was supposed to be the two of us.

Yeah, well, now it's the three of us.

Correction, four,

because Granny just woke up and it's time for her porridge.

This is as good as it's going to get.

You're wearing a child's bikini.

Oh, I wondered why it was so cheap.

Probably because there's no VAT on kid's clothes. Bonus!

Cheers, guys!

Here's to us.

There's a screw in my trail mix!

Weird. I wonder how that got in there, mate.

Good job you didn't swallow it.

You could've died.

Why have you got a hammer?

I'm just doing a bit of DIY.

#FuckRussell?

It's a joke, Russell. Irony.

Do you understand irony, Russell?

I thought I did.

Nicky, can I have a word, please? Yeah, sure.

How can I help?

Are you trying to kill Russell? I'm just trying to put the shitters up him.

Who knows how these things get into our food? A hair in the salad, an eyelash in the soup.