Mom

Hey. How's my little buddy doing?

Well, he's still got that goop in his eye, but otherwise, fine.

I meant Tammy. I miss her.

Oh, please. You miss her doing your job for you.

Yeah, exactly. So when do I get her back?

Sorry, babe, Tammy's really helping me get things ready

- for our grand opening. - Isn't she a beaut?

Hold on a second, Bon...

Hey, really nice.

I'll be in the men's room.

Good choice. Oh, hey.

You looking for high arc,

low arc, straight shot?

- Your call. - He trusts me. Sweet!

Oh, my God, you've got her installing toilets?

That's so degrading.

Yeah. What do you need her for?

Installing a toilet. Love you. Bye.

If my fiancé didn't have oral sex down to a science

I would've left him a long time ago.

So, this is my mother, Bonnie.

- Mom, this is Stacy. - Hi. Nice to meet you.

Ooh, I should probably wash my hands first.

I've been pulling rats out of traps all morning.

- We're studying, Mom. - Got it.

Hey, Stacy, is that your motorcycle out front?

- No. - It's really cool.

Sweet shade of blue, real vintage-y vibe.

Still not hers, Mom.

Good. 'Cause I was gonna say,

you're a little small for a big bike like that.

She drives a Prius, Mom.

Prius, huh? Do strangers just hop into your back seat

thinking you're an Uber driver?

'Cause on the news, they say that happens a lot.

- Mom! - Christy!

Sorry.

It's okay. I have one of those, too.

Oh, you don't have one of those.

No one's got one of those.

Do you listen to that podcast, The Mother of All Problems?

- No. What is it? - This woman tells

these crazy-ass stories about her mother.

It'll make you grateful for the mom you have.

Christy!

I'm stranded on the bowl!

Need another roll!

Oh, I love it when this happens.

Sometimes I get a whole hour.

Hey, listeners.

Welcome to my podcast, The Mother of All Problems.

I'm your host, Violet.

Violet? My Violet?

The holidays are around the corner,

so great time to dive into horror stories

about growing up with a drunken stripper

who I unfortunately had to call Mommy.

Wait, I'm the Mother of All Problems?!

So, when does Adam's bar open?

One week from today.

I can't believe our dream is finally coming true.

Wait a minute... your dream?

You've been complaining since he bought it.

That's not how I remember it.

You said Adam has no experience,

no business plan, and I quote, "He's so stupid,

I can't believe how stupid he is."

I said, "That's not how I remember it."

My daughter has a podcast

about what a terrible mother I am.

Oh, my God.

Sorry. Mm-mmm.

Tell us everything.

Well, I was bitching to my study partner

about what a horrible mom you are,

and she told me about this podcast that would cheer me up.

It did not.

Violet never mentioned it to you?

We haven't spoken in over a year.

She asked for space, and, being the healthy mother

in recovery that I am, I knew it was important

to respect her wishes.

And she changed her number.

How bad is it?

Really bad. Couldn't be worse.

She tells the truth.

What? The irony of this is delicious.

I remember this one night

my mom barged into my room, drunk off her ass,

and started yelling at me for stealing her car.

Turned out she left the car at a 7-Eleven,

which I figured out while cleaning up the Slurpee

she threw up in my closet.

Wild cherry, if anyone was wondering.

So, cheer up, Lisa from Portland,

your mom's minivan getting repossessed

might be a good thing.

- Our next e-mail is... - Turn it off.

From Dan in Tex...

I have to move.

Are they sending people to Mars yet?

Honey, I know this is hard.

I remember how humiliating it was

when my son brought a picture of me

to school for show and tell.

- What's wrong with that? - It was my mug shot.

Okay, that's bad.

But Violet is telling thousands of people

every awful thing I ever did.

Hundreds of thousands.

- Wendy! - Wendy! - Wendy!

The episodes have clever titles.

Let's listen to "Jell-O Shots and the Truth About Santa."

That's enough. We're done listening.

- Thanks. - Ooh! There's one called

"My Grandmother, the Life Preserver."

Well, maybe we have time for one more.

No. Please don't tell the school bus story.

Not true!

Only one of my boobs popped out!

Still going, huh?

I can't stop. I keep thinking,

"Maybe in the next episode she'll say something nice."

Quit torturing yourself.

Easy for you to say... she calls you the Life Preserver.

I know. It's so sweet.

Adorable. I just wish Violet would hate me to my face

and stop venting for the world to hear.

Look, you've got two choices.

You can either keep listening to the podcast

and feel for yourself, or you could just call her.

You're right.

Okay, you have one choice.

How can I call her? I don't even have her number.

She changed it, because... In case you forgot...

I am the Mother of All Problems.

- I have her number. - What?

Well, it's not called The Grandmother of All Problems.

In fact, you should call her from my phone. That way she'll answer.

- God, you're shady. - What are you waiting for?

I need to figure out what I'm gonna say first.

Don't think about it. Just speak from your heart.

Also, it's ringing.

Oh, good. Voice mail.

Just don't do that weird thing you always do.

- What weird thing? - Hi! Violet!

It's me, your mom.

Uh... so, doot-dah-doo...

That's the weird thing.

So, heard your podcast.

Would love to chitty-chat about that.

Or anything.

I haven't talked to you in such a long time.

Of course, I'm not the one who changed her number.

But not pointing fingers.

Doot-dah-doo.

Hey, good news.

I'm in law school now.

Yep. Learnin' about torts.

Turns out they're not just dessert.

Wrap it up.

Okay, well, uh...

it's me, your mom, Christy.

End of voice mail.

Boy, I was wrong... you should have thought about it first.

Wow!

This place looks fantastic!

It's even better than we dreamed it.

I made a huge mistake.

Well, I'm not giving the ring back.

The bar is never gonna work, lady.

What happened here?

I was picking beers.

By drinking them.

So many people are gonna have to come in this place

and spend so much money for this joint to work.

This chair...

has to bring in a thousand dollars a week,

and-and this chair and this chair...

and nobody's gonna want to sit in that chair,

'cause it's right under the air conditioning.

Aw, honey, I think you're just having

a case of pre-opening jitters. Completely normal.

I have no experience, and I spent all of my money.

Why would I do that?

Well, that's exactly what...

Okay.

When I asked you that very question,

you confidently replied that you have a dream

that's important to you,

and you want to feel like your life has purpose again.

"Purpose" sounds like "porpoise."

Hey, boss, your coasters just arrived.

Ugh. I bought 10,000 of 'em... 10,000!

- The delivery guy needs a check, so... - Not now!

Oh. Family drama. I'll go flirt with him.

Do you know how many drinks I have to sell

to use 10,000 coasters?

- Ten thousand? - I don't know, maybe.

Look at me. Adam, look at me.