Stath Lets Flats

Christ!

Every day, I love you.

You're very hard for me.

French kiss me at the end of the film or I'm out. God!

So this is not your husband?

It's just a flippin' astonishing performance. Huh.

OK, so as soon as he comes in, we spring up to life

and then like we practised with the song.

OK, one, two, three.

# Surprise, Dad

# You're gonna get a husband

# So for your last full day of fun, Vasos

# Welcome to your...

# ..stag. # # ..Greg. #

# ..Greg. # Do you lot keep calling it a "Greg"?

Yeah. Why, is that not what it is? What is it called? A grag?

I think it's more commonly known as a stag do or a bachelor party.

But "Greg" is legit, I think.

He's here anyway. Where is the leak?

Oh, er... # Surprise, Greg... Dad

# You're gonna have... # # Welcome to your... #

Then just do the second bit.

Stag! Stag! Stag! Stag! Stag!

Stag! Stag! Stag! Stag! Stag!

Dean! Dean! What? Stag! Dean! Stag! Dean! Stag! Dean! Stag!

What's "Stag Dean"?

Why are they here?

You said there was a leak for fixing.

Yeah, that was the whole dreadful trick to get you here.

We're doing, er... It's like a stag for you.

But I have to work, baby.

I don't have freedom at 11:20 morning.

Dad, we never have a special family time together any more.

Yeah. What a time to do it as well. You're getting married, man. Please.

Dean is bringing Carole. There's no tenants living here.

But there's lots of other stuff - what a plan we've got for you. Yeah.

Sophie, did you have a wicked plan?

Oh, yeah, I got some videos I found. What video?

This one is about some fish and this one is about a bang

and it's got Brendan Ewing in it.

Oh, my God. Brendan Ewing? Who's Brendan Ewing?

And if, for some reason, you don't like Brendan Ewing...

HE LAUGHS Imagine!

..um, we could, um...

I don't know if you like to play games,

cos if you do, I was thinking...

..we could...

..play...games.

Ooh!

OK, Stathy. Thank you.

OK, yeah. We'll do it. Let's get on in it!

Do your lickle games for a stag do, yeah?

What you playing? Hide and seek?

Not necessarily, Dean.

Yes.

And, er, when you find the person that you're looking for,

say, "Buster!" "Buster!" - like that.

Coming, ready or you're not.

Yeah! THEY LAUGH

Where are you? Gonna find you!

Where is she?

Dad, come on - we're going to find them.

Um...is anyone hiding?

No.

Is anyone seeking?

No.

# What is my life?

# What am I doing?

# What you got for me, Brendan Ewing? #

Stath! I'm dropping Dina with you and pegging it!

Stath, you in there?

Oh. Oh, you all right?

Yo.

Oh, you seen Father Earring?

Er, you've got to check the bath, or under a coat or something.

It's Vasos's stag, so they're hiding.

Found you again, Dean. Too, er... Too easy. Ah.

Aw, Carole and my little Dina.

Hello. Where you been, my girls? I haven't seen you in ages, babes.

Oh, have you not?

Saw you two snogging in that horrible snuff film.

What was that about, then? Oh, no, no, no.

That was just about us taking acting just very seriously.

Are you here for the stag, Carole?

What? Oh, no, no. I'm getting off a bit.

Sophie, what is this cursed film?

Oh, it's the Brendan Ewing one, innit?

I don't know. I got it out of Dad's spice drawer.

Dean, are you hiding still? Oh. Hello, Carole.

We want to do a far one of us running. What is this?

Is this Michael film? HE GASPS

God, yes! Is that my head?

Oh, my gosh, it's you. What's a Michael film?

Oh, um... Michael was Dad's old partner. He had the camera.

Oh. Oh, as in THE Michael.

Oh! Look at Stathy's hair! Oh, God!

I don't hear what they say.

Sophie, you have Eagle.

Yeah, that's cos we're talking.

Michael, why are you filming? Because of the camera. Ah!

Welcome to the movies.

Michael, Michael. Ah!

Is that my mouth open?

Oh, my God.

She's better than Britney.

My style is actually a bit smaller than Britney.

She's the best. She's the best dancer so far.

Dad, if I put my foot on this,

does that mean my foot is the cat?

Michael, can we do a game show question now?

Michael.

Michael.

Er, hello, my name's Sophie, I'm 24 and I do the kebab shop.

But not the chicken cos I'm not allowed.

And, also, my dad wants me to help with the wood,

with his new flat shop!

Lettings - and stakes, not wood.

Very proud of Mr Moustachey, eh?

Let's hope it's not balls-up.

Michael and Eagle Lettings!

This is stakes.

This is...? This is... There's the wood, though.

Are you going to carry that, Sophie?

Yes!

Why are you camera? MICHAEL CHUCKLES

Oh, come on.

Introduction!

He came here from Cyprus five years ago with me and you.

And now he's the superstar letting agent of the world - it's Stathy!

# He's clothed for the job

# He looks handsome

# He's clothed for the job

# He looks handsome. #

Yay! THEY LAUGH

Are you going to say thank you to Michael?

Oh. That was his nephew's friend's suit.

Oh. Thank you.

Thank fucking Michael.

I'm very proud of myself. I'm just going to go downstairs

and practise being a letting agent for Dad when he's not naked.

Come on, Stathy. Don't be shy.

Come.

So, you go to the customer and tell the nice things about the flat.

You have to be creation.

If there is a shower, you can say, "Look at this perfectly shower,"

Things like that.

Look at this perfectly shower, please. Yeah.

Hey, look at it, please. Do you know what I mean?

Not...not too many pleases. OK, OK.

Look at the shower.

Sophie, Dad's a poor actor. Put on a customer costume!

This doorway isn't bad. It's good.

Yes! That makes me happy cos I'm a customer,

and my name is Neil and I'm from the north of north Scotland

and I'm a rap star.

Thank God for that.

Make conversation, Stathy. Huh? Make a conversation. Er...

Did you really? Yeah. Ooh-arr, me heartlies.

And in Scotland, do you play PlayStation?

Er, no. Sorry, we just like to play with bag.

No, no. Cos I saw an advert for PlayStation

where they said in the thing that... A Scottish voice said...

ATTEMPTING A SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Playastaishun -

"ya have to play it foreever."

So the big question - do you want to rent the flat?

No, thank you. I need a rap star palace cos I'm a rap star.

No.

OK, well, maybe I'm going to kill you.

It's OK.

The other people can do the viewings.

You can be in charge of the...

..water. There's going to be water in the office?

GLASS SHATTERS Hey! Stathy!I'm sorry.

Can I please do tours? I thought that was pretty good.

Where is Sophie? I'm not actually going to kill you, girl.

I just want family to work here. English people don't enjoy me.

Are they even nice, the interviewing people?

KNOCK ON DOOR Hi there. Sorry to knock.

I'm not interrupting at all, am I?

No, no, no. Come in, please.

Oh, I love your hair. Oh, yeah. Cheers.

Yeah, it's just a streak of electric maroon. So, yeah.

What do you dream about?

Oh, you Mediterraneans. You're full of it, aren't you?

"Dream about"? Really, though. What'd your dream about?

Oh, right. Um...

Yeah, like last night sort of thing? Night or day, I don't care.

OK, er... What's my dream about? Um...

I actually dreamt that Stansted Airport was made of wax,

and I was trying to get Madame Tussaud's to take it in.

But they wouldn't, cos it's not technically a celeb.

So...rando or what? SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Sorry, my English is incorrection. Um...

What is your dream about for your life?

Oh, God, I'm sorry. My life goals, sort of thing!

Yeah, sorry. STATH LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Oh, yeah, sorry. I mean, obviously, you know,

yeah, I mean, I love the idea of working

for one of the big chain agencies, you know, one of the bigguns.

But, yeah... Or here. Sorry, yeah. Or here. Do you know what?