Love and Death

How I got into this predicament, I'll never know.

Absolutely incredible.

To be executed for a crime I never committed.

Of course, isn't all mankind in the same boat?

Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed?

The difference is that all men go eventually, but I go at 6:00 tomorrow morning.

I was supposed to go at 5:00, but I have a smart lawyer. Got leniency.

I have a tremendous yearning to be young again.

A boy.

Such happy memories at our summer house.

Uncle Nikolai with his wonderful laugh.

God, he was repulsive!

Then there was Grandpa and Grandma, who'd been married for 50 years

and still felt as deeply about one another as the day they met.

And my own father, a handsome and generous man.

In addition to our summer and winter estate,

he owned a valuable piece of land.

True, it was a small piece, but he carried it with him wherever he went.

Dimitri Petrovitch! I would like to buy your land.

This land is not for sale. Someday I hope to build on it.

He was an idiot, but I loved him.

Then there was Mother, who made the most delicious blintzes in the world.

Of course, there was Old Gregor and his son, Young Gregor.

Oddly enough, Young Gregor's son was older than Old Gregor.

Nobody could figure out how that happened.

My two brothers, Ivan and Mikhail, used to play amusing little games

but I had a completely different concept of myself as a child.

My first experience with death was with one of our serfs, Old Nehamkin.

Old Nehamkin was on the roof putting up a lightning rod when a storm broke out.

After he failed to show up for dinner, Mother went to look for him.

What is it, Old Nehamkin?

You're not looking well. Are you okay? You feel all right?

We laid Old Nehamkin to rest.

And that night, I had a strange and vivid dream.

I knew that after that dream, I would not grow up to be an ordinary man.

I had many conversations with Father Nikolai,

who was always dressed in black with a black beard.

For years, I thought he was an Italian widow.

Every action has a cause. The universe exists, therefore it has a cause.

It follows God created the universe, therefore He exists.

And yet, Spinoza didn't believe in the Holy Trinity.

- Spinoza was a Jew. - What's a Jew?

You never saw a Jew? Here, I have some sketches.

- There are Jews. - No kidding!

They all have these horns?

No. This is the Russian Jew. The German Jew has these stripes.

I recall my first mystical vision.

I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ.

If He was a carpenter, I wonder what He'd charge for bookshelves?

Suddenly...

- Who are you? - Death.

What happens after we die? Is there a hell?

Is there a God? Do we live again?

All right, let me ask one key question.

Are there girls?

You're an interesting young man. We'll meet again.

- Don't bother. - It's no bother.

I grew to full manhood, actually 5'6",

which is technically not full manhood in Russia,

but you can still own property.

Over 5'3", you can own land.

Under 5'3", you need special permission from the Czar.

We were three healthy men.

My brother, Ivan,

my brother, Mikhail,

and myself.

Finally, there was my cousin, Sonja.

In addition to being the most beautiful woman I had ever seen,

she was one of the few people I could have deep conversations with.

Boris, look at this leaf. Isn't it perfect?

And this one. Look.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, I definitely think that this is the best of all possible worlds.

Certainly the most expensive.

Isn't nature incredible?

To me, nature is... You know, I don't know.

Spiders and bugs and then big fish eating little fish

and then plants eating... plants and animals eating...

It's like an enormous restaurant. That's the way I see it.

Yes, but if God created it, it has to be beautiful.

Even if His plan's not apparent to us at the moment.

Sonja, what if there is no God?

Boris Dimitrovitch, are you joking?

What if we're just a bunch of absurd people

who are running around with no rhyme or reason?

But if there is no God, then life has no meaning.

Why go on living? Why not just commit suicide?

Well, let's not get hysterical. I could be wrong.

I'd hate to blow my brains out and then read in the papers they found something.

Boris, let me show you how absurd your position is.

All right. Let's say that there is no God,

and each man is free to do exactly as he chooses.

Well, what prevents you from murdering somebody?

- Murder's immoral! - Morality is subjective.

Yes, but subjectivity is objective.

Not in any rational scheme of perception.

Perception is irrational. It implies imminence.

But judgment of any system or a priori relation of phenomena

exists in any rational or metaphysical or at least epistemological contradiction

to an abstracted empirical concept such as being

or to be or to occur in the thing itself or of the thing itself.

Yeah, I've said that many times.

Boris, we must believe in God.

If I could just see a miracle. Just... Just one miracle.

If I could see a burning bush or the seas part

or my Uncle Sasha pick up a check.

We should go back downstairs.

By now, the last golden streaks of the sunset

are vanishing behind the western hills.

Soon the dark blanket of night shall settle over us all.

Hey, you've been going to finishing school!

Hey, you... dating any Russians I should know about?

Well, Minskov has proposed.

And he's very sweet and wealthy but the age difference is too great.

- I'm 28 and he's 81. - Oh, that is big.

When I'm 50, he'll be... 103.

That's a bad age for men. They slow up a lot.

Oh, and Voskovec has made his intentions clear

but he deals in herring, and he always smells of herring.

Do you know, he even bought me herring-scented cologne?

Oh, really? That's probably why the cat follows you around.

Love is everything, Boris.

I want to meet some man and scale the heights of passion.

Some man who embodies the three great aspects of love.

Intellectual, spiritual and sensual.

Well, then, there's not too many of us around,

but it can be done.

- So many women settle cheaply. - I know. Poor things.

- They marry for money. - Money! Well, money.

But I tell you, I feel as though my life would be wasted

if I didn't love deeply with a man whose mind I respected,

whose spirituality equaled mine

and who had the same, oh, lustful appetite for sensual passion

that drives me insane.

You're an incredibly complex woman.

I guess you could say I'm half-saint, half-whore.

Here's hoping I get the half that eats.

- Boris? - Yes?

- I have a confession to make. - Yes?

- Ever since you and I were little children... - Yes?

I've been in love with your brother, Ivan!

Oh, it's only nat...

Ivan? You're kidding!

He can barely write his name in the ground with a stick.

- He has true animal magnetism. - Animal magnetism?

All that talk about some perfect love, and you're hot for Ivan?

- He kissed me. - Any place I should know?

It warmed the cockles of my heart.

That's just great. Nothing like hot cockles!

I think he's going to ask me to marry him.

But he's a gambler and a drinker. He's got a Neanderthal mentality.

Don't get me wrong, I love him like a brother. Just not one of mine.

Do you hear that commotion? What is going on downstairs?

Have you heard the news? Napoleon has invaded Austria.

Why? Is he out of Courvoisier?

At last, a chance to taste the glories of battle!

Well, check with me when it's over. I'll be in the game room.

No, Boris. You're going to fight.

I'm gonna fight? You're gonna have your head examined.

We leave the day after tomorrow.

Fellas, I'm a pacifist. I don't believe in war.

He doesn't believe in war? Napoleon, he believes in war!

What are you going to do when the French soldiers rape your sister?

- I don't have a sister. - That's no answer.

Who are they gonna rape? Ivan? They'll throw up.

Don't disgrace me in front of my friends.

What good is war?

We kill a few Frenchmen, they kill a few Russians.

Next thing you know, it's Easter.

Boris, you can't be serious. You're talking about Mother Russia.

Oh, she's not my mother.

My mother's standing right here,

and she's not gonna let her youngest baby get shrapnel in his gums.

Get away from me!

I can't believe what I'm seeing!

Our brother has a yellow streak down his back.

No, it's not down, it runs across.

- Boris, you're a coward! - Yes, but I'm a militant coward.

Boris, medals! We get medals!

Take it easy, will you, Ivan? You gotta cut down on your raw meat.

He'll go and he'll fight!

And I hope they will put him in the front lines.

Thanks a lot, Mom. My mother, folks.

This is crazy. I can't shoot a gun. I was meant to write poetry.

Sonja, I'm not the army type.

I slept with a light on in my room till I was 30.

I can't shower with other men.

Friends! My friends!

On the eve of this glorious occasion, I have an announcement to make.

Because we go into battle, perhaps never to see our loved ones again,

I wish to announce that tomorrow I intend to marry.

I'm going to take as my bride, a woman I have grown up with.

Anna Ivanova.

- Ivan... - I'm sorry. I should have told you.

I also have an announcement to make!

Tomorrow, I too, get married.

Wonderful!

Yes, I have been proposed to and have accepted the hand of

Serge Ivanonich Minskov!

Oh!