Last Man Standing

Okay, Kris, I got everything in here you need to fix that drain.

All right, got a pipe wrench, I got a basin wrench, some Teflon tape.

Now, Ryan's fixing it, right?

Yep.

And I got the plumber's number in there, too.

Thank you, Dad.

I had no idea owning a home meant you spend all of your time fixing it.

Yeah, but once it's all fixed...

Well, we'll let you know.

You know, we have been here 20 years,

and your father still hasn't gotten the squirrels out of the attic.

Yeah, I'd love to get the squirrels out of your attic.

Honey, you can stay for dinner. We're just waiting on Eve.

Oh, uh, where'd you have her working today?

Yesterday, she was on the loading dock, Mom.

Yeah. What? Mike, isn't that dangerous?

For Eve? Are you kidding? She's like an ant.

She can lift 50 times her weight.

Eve's worked in just about every department by now, huh?

Yeah. She got Accounting, Fish and Tackle.

She even took over the crossbow safety course.

Oh, yeah, that's right. How is Earl?

Earl... just a flesh wound.

I don't think he'll be drinking beer at lunch again.

Better watch out, Dad.

One day, Eve might take your job.

Well, she's already got Earl out of the way.

You know, I am so glad that Eve is making good use of her gap year.

I mean, between playing music at the coffee house and working with you,

she'll head off to college next year with some good life experience.

Yeah.

She'll have a year working 10 different jobs

before she gets brainwashed by people who've never had one.

Hey, honey. I'm home.

Hey, how was work?

Ugh, can I get a martini and read the paper before the yackity-yack?

Sorry, I watched a black-and-white movie last night.

Where were you working today? Online sales. How was that?

Yeah. It was great.

Everyone was super-friendly and totally supportive

when I told them I was gonna quit.

Oh, by the way, I'm quitting.

Sorry. I didn't hear you with all the squirrels running around in the attic.

You want to quit working at Outdoor Man?

No. I am quitting.

You made it "want to quit" so we can have this discussion.

This is crazy.

You're making good money. It's a great experience.

You want to cop a feo copfew fishin, I'll look the other way.

You know, one of the best parts about being the oldest kid

is that you know the exact moment your parents are about to explode.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Uh, honey, w-why are you quitting?

No, no, no. She wants to quit.

She's considering it. It's not... not a done deal.

I found something else I want to do.

You have another offer? I'll... I'll match it.

I'm gonna volunteer at Take Shelter Denver.

They build houses for the homeless.

You volunteer, you're making nothing. I'll double that.

I think it's wonderful that Eve wants to volunteer.

I mean, I used to read to the blind...

but they didn't like it (Low voice) when I used to do the voices.

The only volunteer I know that was fired.

What are you gonna use for money?

They don't pay you at the coffee shop for singing,

so you're already working for nothing there.

I still have already working graduation money.

Oh, perfect. That's one week.

What do you do for money next week?

I'll figure it out, Dad.

It's not like I have a lot of expenses.

I mean, isn't that the whole point of this gap year...

to figure out how I fit into the world?

Fit into the real world, which is about making money, buying food, football.

Dad, I-it's... it's my life, and it's my year, or maybe even longer,

I don't know, but I-I will figure that out, Dad.

She wants to do charity. How is that so bad?

Did you hear that? Yeah.

"Maybe even longer."

She's not going to college. She quit her job.

You know where this ends up? Cardboard box under a bridge.

Is that where you want to say hello to your grandkids?

Okay. You know, look, I understand.

You're upset because you won't be taking

your little buddy to work anymore. Oh, stop.

That has nothing to do with it.

I'm upset because Eve doesn't know how the world works,

but thank God she's got an amazing father who cares enough about her

to give her a lovely, loving kick in the ass.

Hey, thanks for spending lunch with me, babe.

Yeah. Sorry I didn't talk more.

It's just, you know, you get me a crown and a kids' menu, I'm all business.

All right, now, you scoot, young lady,

so I can get to work on your wedding gift.

No. We already have enough presents, as is.

We don't need to spend any money on each other.

And that's me talking.

Well, I'm not spending any money on your gift.

Those are the best kind.

Aww, but I already have two jars of rain, Kyle.

And two jars of sunshine, yeah.

But this is gonna be even better.

Just... Just wait and see.

All right, but, for the record, I'm not getting you anything.

Is she the best or what?

So, what exactly are you giving the girl that doesn't cost anything?

Oh, a car.

You're thinking of a macaroni sculpture.

A car is a big, metal thing with an engine and seats.

No, I-I read this story online

about this guy who traded a paper clip for a pen, and then a pen for a flute,

and, you know, he kept trading up, until he got a house.

Yeah, I-I read a similar story, but it had a cow and a magic bag of beans.

I'm gonna start by trading this laser pointer

I got with my subscription to Atlantic Monthly.

Oh, you read Atlantic Monthly?

Nope, I just wanted this free pointer.

Kyle, that... that paper-clip story isn't real.

See, con artists put that kind of stuff out there all the time

to take advantage of people like you.

I disagree. I think people are generous.

You know, when I... when I post that I'm a newlywed,

trying to get my bride a wonderful gift... Mm-hmm.

...I think you'll be surprised.

I think you'll end up giving your bride a laser pointer.

I think it's a sweet idea, Kyle. And you know what?

To get you started, I'll trade you my old briefcase for the laser pointer.

Oh! Deal.

I always wanted to say that holding a briefcase.

Stop encouraging him with this nonsense.

A con man will eat that kid for lunch.

Ah, I don't think...

Oh, shoot. My lunch. Hey, Kyle!

Kyle!

Do you want another pancake?

Yeah. They're great.

All right. There you go.

Dad, are we, uh ...are we cool?

Sure. Why wouldn't we be?

Oh, okay, I just want you to understand

that doing charity is really important to me,

and Take Shelter Denver is a really good organization.

It's a great organization.

You know, your mom and I give quite a bit of money to them.

Oh, really? That is so cool.

Maybe I'll wind up using a hammer you guys bought or something.

And wouldn't that be great? Yeah.

There you go.

What's this?

That's a bill for what you had... pancakes, bacon, and a venti coffee.

Eight bucks.

You're charging me for breakfast?

And rent.

Congratulations. The hammer just came down.

You're charging me rent in my family home?

That's insane, Dad.

No. I'm charging you way below market value.

That's insane.

But I'm your favorite, the one who goes to the gun range with you

and to the batting cages and to Ronald Reagan's birthplace,

where I was so moved, I wept at age 6.

And you're telling me that's all worth nothing?

Nothing?!

I didn't charge you for the juice.

Listen, I just want you to know how the world works, Eve.

I know how it works, Dad. No, you don't!

I think you live in a bubble.

Not a real one, 'cause that would be very fragile and offer no real protection.

So, are you charging me for this lecture, too?

'Cause I don't see it here on the bill.

This paradise you live in is not real, all right?

Unless you get that through your head,

Take Shelter Denver's gonna be building you a house someday.

Hmm. Better watch out. That bacon's gonna cost you.

Mm. Nah.

I have the metabolism of a snake.

At least I think they have a good metabolism.

I mean, they're, like, skinny.

Get this... Dad's charging for food and rent.

Yeah, but not you. E-Everything's on the house.

What? H-How come you're not charging her?

Because she's going to college, and she's working.

Oh, my God! Dad, that's so unfair! You never... Wait.

Are you using me as an example?

Like, a good one?

I know it's weird. Just go with it.

Okay, okay, So, right now, at this very moment, I'm your favorite?

Even though I never went to Ronald McReagan's house?

You're making this very difficult.

So, basically, I'm being punished

for trying to get the most out of my gap year.

Get a job, hippy! (Laughs)

I love this.

Honey, I think you've lost focus.

And I'm doing whatever I can to help you regain that, that's all. Yeah.

Deadbeat.

All right.

Well, you know what?

Fine. Count it, old man.