You're the Worst

Ooh, that smells good.

I'm starving.

Actually, this isn't for you.

I made you guys...

something else.

Scrambled eggs?

A dish so pedestrian its name is the recipe?

Yeah, what's the other thing? I want that.

Oh, this? This is nothing.

Just something I'm throwing together for my veterans group.

This is breakfast lasagna.

That's Lindsay's favorite dish.

You don't have to lie about your feelings for her.

- Really? - Shit yeah.

We're really invested in this.

We want this to happen.

- Aw, thanks, guys. - 'Cause whatever happens,

it's gonna be hilarious.

This is like TV for us.

Either they'll be banging like zoo monkeys

or... even better... she rejects him.

- All right, guys. - What if they got married?

Then he'd be married to Lindsay.

I think I've got it.

Oh, my God, their kids are gonna be so dumb.

They'll be like, "Hey, let's order some heroin."

"H-How do you use a phone?"

So what do you do today?

Well, my agent called.

I have a meeting with Jonathan R. Strasburg.

Author of Brunching with Vagabonds.

The Milkweed of July?

In Keeping with Clem?

So what's the meeting for?

Well, why would any author

want to meet with another author?

'Cause they admire their work.

He liked your book?

Yeah, a lot of people liked my book.

You've seen the review.

The thing on the wall where you live.

You walk by it every day.

Oh, you really put in the bare minimum effort

being a girlfriend, don't you?

Work smart, not hard, Jimmy.

Anyway, he's looking for someone

to help him on his new project.

Shouldn't you be working on your own book?

Yeah, I am.

But not all of us have the luxury of just paying rent

whenever we feel like it or, say, not at all.

Why would I pay you rent? It's your house.

Your ability to bend semantics

to best fit your financial interests is quite impressive.

I'm all about that paper.

I got to go. Check in later?

Sorry, check in?

I didn't mean it like that... Never mind.

Oh, I must know what Gretchen's doing.

I haven't spoken to her in minutes.

- Shut up. - Hey!

Just checking in.

I was out of your sight briefly.

I'll, uh, text you again at the end of the driveway.

Jesus Christ.

It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't and probably won't

experience it, but, oh, Lindsay, pregnancy is so magical.

I mean, my skin is glowing.

My nails are so strong,

and... I just have this deep inner well

of peace and tranquility.

Vernon, you idiot.

Do you really want the baby to inhale those fumes?

Use your brain. God!

Anyway, I am so glad I could loan my husband out to you.

Must be so hard not having a man around.

I don't know. I just don't want to be one of those girls

who settles for some doofus frat boy just because

their butt's starting to sag

and their upper arms chunk out.

Anyway, I got a sign

that my Paulywog still has feelings for me.

Yo, can I get this popcorn catalogue?

Which says a lot, considering

he's with someone as great as Amy.

She a'ight.

What does the clerk's office want with you?

Ooh, honey, did you patent an invention?

Right?

Holy shit,

that nerd's 'vorcin' you.

Nice, Paul grew some balls.

You got served,

literally.

All right, I'm gonna kick it under that tree

and look at this popcorn catalogue real quick.

_

_

Hey, guys.

- Where's Sam? - Who knows?

One day he's promoting some new MMA fighter,

the next he's opening up a bespoke tailoring shop downtown.

Last week, he didn't even show up to the studio,

so instead of letting that time go to waste,

we cut our own shit to drop online.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Well, you don't just drop it online.

We'll build some word-of-mouth buzz,

I'll leak it to Stereogum...

Uh, we-we uploaded it this morning.

Yeah, we need you to go let Sam know for us.

He's gonna be so mad.

Last time he was mad,

he cried for a week.

Then he burned down my mom's tool shed.

Now she's keeping all her rakes in the kitchen like a chump.

Fine.

By the way, you guys are now separate clients,

so you will be billed separately.

But hey, you're paying for the best in the business.

_

_

OPEC price manipulation.

Putanesca!

Hanging roller coasters.

Rafael Nadal.

What do they all have in common?

Um...

Plutocracy.

It's the father of meta-modernism.

Just got off the phone with Bill Maher.

He was talking for, like, a half hour,

but I think I got the gist.

Sit.

Go. Sell me. Tell me what you know about.

Oh, okay. Um...

well, you won the National Book Award in 2009.

You were accepted to Harvard but instead rode...

sh-shipping containers for three years,

- and... - Read.

Uh, F-sharp.

Wow, I mean, it's-it's powerful. Really vividly wrought.

Critique me.

Okay, uh, well, the, um,

image of the endless Costco aisles

seems somewhat derivative of DeLillo.

Get out.

I don't understand.

Get... the hell out!

Jesus, fine. Weirdo.

Oh, calm down, calm down, calm down.

A guy tells you to leave, and you mope away like Mike Torrez

after he gave away that home run to Bucky Dent in '78? Come on.

Come on. Let me take you to lunch.

- Oh. Okay. - Great.

You're driving. I'm on a shit-ton of pills right now.

I counted to ten, and then I just said,

"Cheryl, I will get those to you

right after Derek's birthday cake in the break room."

And you know what?

She said, "Okay."

Okay.

Uh, okay, uh, Edgar, why don't you share with us?

What happened with the mystery girl

you were thinking of pursuing?

Well, um,

I-I-I talked about it with some friends, and...

they don't think it's a good idea,

so...

Okay.

Uh, well, thank you for sharing.

Arg, Captain.

Methinks I found a way out.

Good.

Because we can't spend the rest of our lives

inside the belly of this whale.

Aye, and it looks like this tight, round hole is the exit.

Ah, I better go first.

Aye, sir, but remember what happened last time.

You should be exiting through it,

not putting your penis in it.

Okay.

Okay. So what we just did there

was completely improvised.

Which means we did not plan it beforehand at all.

Isn't that great?

We have a special treat for you guys today.

This is Nathan and Nathan.

People call me Tall Nathan.

Well, Nathan and Tall Nathan are from a local comedy school.

And they're going to be teaching us a lesson in improv.

Studies show that this can help with trauma-induced anxiety.

We know what you've all been through,

and we're sensitive to it.

Okay, let's start.

Who wants to play a gay banana?

My best shits are always here.

I have no idea why.

Wendy, can I get a couple more shrimp cocktails?

Do you think maybe we should discuss the job?