United States of Tara

PREVIOUSLY ON "UNITED STATES OF TARA"...

WHO'S THIS?

I...THINK THAT'S A PORTRAIT I MUST HAVE PAINTED

OF OUR DEAD NEIGHBOR.

WHY?

Tara: IT'S THE HUBBARD HOUSE THAT'S MAKING IT HAPPEN.

YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE THING THAT YOU HAD WITH MY WIFE?

BUCK, I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

WE'VE GOT SOME BIG NEWS. WE'RE PREGNANT!

FOUND OUT TODAY THAT THE BABY'S NOT NICK'S.

CHARMAINE'S PREGNANT WITH YOUR BABY. WHAT?

CONGRATULATIONS, CHARM. YOU OFFICIALLY HAVE NO SOUL.

YOU HAVE GOT TO GO, OKAY? THIS IS THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME.

I'LL LEAVE.

I JUST WANT TO GIVE YOU THIS. IT'S A LIAR BOX.

LYNDA AND I ARE SETTING UP A TABLE

AT THIS COMIC SHOP IN KC-MO

TO SELL PICTURES OF ME FOR MONEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT I'M NOT DOING?

Knatasha: I STARTED AN ONLINE WISHLIST.

KIND OF LIKE A BRIDAL REGISTRY.

YOU HELP THEM GET OFF,

AND VOILA -- YOUR DISHES ARE SPARKLING CLEAN.

I JUST HAVEN'T BEEN FEELING INSPIRED TO WORK AT HOME LATELY.

WHEN I SAW YOU AND YOUR WORK...

I MADE A WRONG TURN SOMEWHERE.

CUTTING IT A LITTLE CLOSE?

I'M SO SORRY.

WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE? MAX!

THE GUY'S GONNA BE HERE IN AN HOUR.

I'M JUST GETTING LYNDA A FEW ART SUPPLIES,

AND THEN I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

* OPEN UP THE SKY

* THIS MESS IS GETTING HIGH

* IT'S WINDY, AND OUR FAMILY NEEDS A RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

HI.

HI.

HEY, SO, I FOUND THIS IN THE GARBAGE.

YOU KNOW, I DID CONSIDER KEEPING IT --

YOU KNOW, JUST SO I COULD ALWAYS BE REMINDED

OF HOW MY ACTIONS AFFECT OTHERS.

OVERRATED.

I KNOW.

SO, YOU COOL IF I USE IT, OR...?

OKAY, YEAH.

BUT, UM...

WHY DO YOU HAVE ALL THAT MASKING TAPE?

I DON'T KNOW. I JUST...

OH, HEY, YOUR DAD TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR DECISION.

YOU KNOW, ABOUT... BEING GAY.

SO, I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW,

IF YOU NEED SOMEBODY TO TALK TO --

GOODBYE, MOM.

OH, GOD.

THIS HOUSE IS LIKE A HIVE OF HUMANS

STARING AT THEIR OWN PERSONAL SCREENS.

WHAT UP?

YOU'D RATHER WE ALL WENT BOWLING

OR ICE SKATING OR SOMETHING?

HOW ABOUT ICE BOWLING?

I WAS THINKING

MAYBE YOU MIGHT WANT TO COME DOWN TO LYNDA'S.

THAT ART WALK "FIRST FRIDAYS" THING IS COMING UP, AND --

YEAH, BEEN TO A FEW OF THOSE MYSELF.

KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR THE DUDE ON THE STILTS.

HE'S REALLY TALL.

YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO COME?

LET'S SEE -- YOU TOOK EVERY SINGLE THING

FROM MY FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WORLD

AND MADE IT YOURS.

SO... NO, I THINK I'LL PASS.

WELL, I THOUGHT WE COULD BOTH --

"BOTH," LIKE "YOU AND ME"? YEAH, SURE.

AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, LET'S CALL GRANDMA BEV

AND SEE IF SHE WOULD LIKE TO LOLLYGAG

AROUND LYNDA'S PLACE IN A NICE SENSIBLE BEIGE PANT.

HEY -- I AM NOTHING LIKE GRANDMA BEV.

AND I AM NOTHING LIKE REMOTELY AVAILABLE

TO HAVE THIS CHAT WITH YOU.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE.

FINE.

HEY. Hi.

Is this Princess Valhalla Hawkwind?

YES, IT IS.

NOW, LET'S DO DIS.

OH, MY GOD! I JUST SAW TARA!

SHE'S SO SMILEY!

IS ONE OF HER ALTERS FUCKING A CLOWN?

HAVEN'T SEEN MUCH OF ANY ALTERS LATELY.

IT'S ALL TARA.

SHE'S BEEN SPENDING TIME DOWNTOWN

AT THAT LADY'S LOFT LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS.

KATE'S FRIEND? YEAH.

PROBABLY PRANCING AROUND DOWN THERE, FINGER-PAINTING,

DANCING TO THE INDIGO GIRLS.

YEAH, YOU'RE PISSED.

NO, I'M NOT. I'M HAPPY FOR HER.

IT'S EXACTLY WHAT SHE NEEDS.

SO...I FINALLY HAD MY "AHA" MOMENT.

MEANING...?

WELL, I HAD THE REALIZATION

THAT I'M KIND OF GLAD YOU OUTED ME.

I MEAN, YOU'RE ONLY AS SICK AS YOUR SECRETS,

AND I'M SICK OF BEING SICK.

NEW THERAPIST?

NO, NEW ISSUE -- O MAGAZINE.

WHAT? THEY'VE GOT POEMS, MAX -- MONTHLY POEMS.

I'LL HAVE TO CHECK THAT OUT.

OKAY, HERE'S MY PLAN.

YOU KNOW HOW THOSE FAMOUS LADIES ADOPT ORPHAN BABIES

FROM, LIKE, MALAWI OR WHATEVER?

YEAH. SO?

WHAT IF... NICK COULD THINK OF HIMSELF

AS AN ADOPTIVE FATHER?

LIKE, WHAT IF HE HAD MET ME

WHEN I WAS SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF ADOPTING A BABY?

FROM AFRICA.

WELL, YOU HAD SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN

WHILE YOU WERE ENGAGED TO HIM, CHAR.

GUYS USUALLY HAVE A PRETTY FUCKING HARD TIME GETTING OVER THAT STUFF.

I KNOW, BUT...

WHY?

HMM.

SO, ON THE SCALE OF GAYNESS,

I'M THINKING ALEX WOULD BE A 10.

SO, YOU MEAN, LIKE, 10 BEING

THE MOST QUEENY, FLOUNCY, FLAMY HOMO IN THE LAND

AND 1 BEING, LIKE, CRAIG T. NELSON?

YEAH.

OR, LIKE, 1 BEING, LIKE, JASON MAURIO?

JASON MAURIO IS, LIKE...

HE'S, LIKE, A 3.

WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO TOGETHER, ANYWAY?

IT?

JUST...KISSED.

AND, UH... A LITTLE DRY HUMPING.

MUST HAVE BEEN TOUGH TO STAY DRY.

I'M ONLY ATTRACTED TO TOTAL MANLYS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE 1s AND 2s.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?

I DON'T KNOW.

LIKE, A 5?

I AM NOT A 5, OKAY?

I DON'T TALK GAY, I DON'T WALK GAY.

I MEAN, PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW I'M GAY UNLESS I'M...

BLOWING THEM?

AW, MARSHALL'S COMING OUT OF HIS LITTLE TURTLE SHELL.

I AM NOT A TURTLE.

TURTLE.

OH, MY GOD!

THIS PLACE LOOKS SO DIFFERENT!

I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN AGES.

I KNOW.

YOU BEEN BUSY!

SO HAVE YOU.

MMM. MMM.

YOU TASTE GOOD.

YOU THINK WE COULD... MAKE A TIME?

HMM?

YEAH, DEFINITELY.

YOU MEAN... A TIME TO SEE EACH OTHER,

OR A TIME TO GET TOGETHER AND FIGURE OUT

WHEN WE CAN MAKE A TIME TO SEE EACH OTHER?

OKAY.

I'M SORRY.

I GOT TO GO.

OKAY, SCOOT ALONG.

* FIRST I'M HERE, THEN I'M THERE *

* AND I KNOW IT'S A DRAG

* AND I KNOW IT'S A DRAG

* BUT I'M HERE

HI.

WELCOME BACK.

KATE IS JUST SO PISSY.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S A MOTHER/DAUGHTER THING

OR A WOMAN THING OR...

IT'S PROBABLY JUST ME.

SOMEONE ONCE TOLD ME

YOU NEED TO MAKE ART AS IF YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD.

YEAH, BUT NOT YOUR KIDS.

OH, I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T SPEAK TO MINE.

YOU'VE GOT KIDS?

THREE.

WELL, TWO OF MY OWN, PLUS A STEPDAUGHTER.

MY STEPDAUGHTER'S A LITTLE MANIPULATOR.

FUCKING BITCH.

MY OWN DAUGHTER...

SHE STOPPED SPEAKING TO ME.

THAT WAS HER CHOICE. SHE'LL COME AROUND.

SON -- HE DOES WHATEVER HIS SISTER DOES.