M*A*S*H

Camp's just crawling. Who's insect officer?

I am, Colonel.

He forgot to wear his wings today.

We're up to our butts in larvae.

The Empire State Building was sold yesterday

for $20 million.

Does that price include King Kong?

He wasn't a real ape‐person, you know?

They used a model.

Fay Wray's real.

Luckily, she's only six inches tall.

Good little actress.

You sirs mind if I sit here?

You're very democratic, Radar.

Hey, there's a fly in my coffee.

Probably knows you're insect officer.

Look at him. He's doin' the Australian crawl.

Go Yale!

Radar, is that tomato juice?

This red stuff, yes, sir.

I haven't seen tomato juice in donkey's years.

Reminds me of all the goodies back home.

Kosher pickles.

‐Apple pancakes. ‐Escargot.

‐What's that? ‐Snails.

Oh, ick. I would never eat a snail.

Nobody would. That's why they started to call 'em escargots.

Would you like this juice, sir?

My lips never touched the glass.

‐No, I'll get some. ‐Oh, please, sir. Take mine.

You're very kind, Radar.

Well, it's nice being kind to you, sir.

You know, as captain,

I have the power to marry you two.

Dee‐lish.

Boy, that takes me back.

Last time I had tomato juice

was when I was stationed at Camp Dix.

Mother and I had a house on the base.

It was peacetime.

All I did was take out the odd hot appendix

and teach dirty words to our mynah bird.

‐Rats! ‐What?

My fly sank.

If he doesn't come up in ten seconds,

I'm going in after him.

Ahhh. Thank you, Radar.

That tomato juice was the oyster's ice skates.

You're welcome, sir.

Anybody needs me,

I'll be sending a latrinogram.

‐Did you read the news? ‐Years ago.

Thank you.

‐Thanks again, Radar. ‐Oh, yes, sir.

Shall we?

Radar, we'll be in post‐op.

Bill this to my room. I'm in the cesspool suite.

And tell the cook I'll get him if it takes a lifetime.

What do they want from me?

I just serve this barf.

Hey, Klinger, do me a favor?

It's Lebanese. It means, "If I fail my brother,

"may my camel lose his hump." What do you want?

Colonel Potter really flipped over that tomato juice.

You wanna make sure he gets it every morning?

No chance. The juice was a fluke.

We got a can by mistake.

It mostly goes to the brass in the rear.

Helps them from getting too depressed

going to the P.X. All the time.

Maybe I could get the requisition officer

to order some.

Our requisition officer?

This spillage is wasteful, soldier.

Yes, sir.

You're losing half your applesauce.

Apples don't grow on trees, you know.

Oh, no, sir.

‐What's your name, fella? ‐Maxwell, sir.

Well, you're goin' on K. P., Maxwell.

I am on K. P., sir.

Well, the minute you come off, you're going on.

Uh, excuse me, sirs.

Did you bring any fresh flies with you, Radar?

Uh, no. Hey, listen,

uh, you both like Colonel Potter, right?

Very much.

I worship his saddle sores.

‐Taking a survey? ‐Uh, no.

It's just that I like him too,

and there's somethin' I wanna do for him.

Very nice. You do that, Radar. Do something nice.

Just remember,

no good deed ever goes unpunished.

‐Huh? ‐What do you have in mind,

doing something for him‐wise?

Well, uh, I wanna make sure

that he gets tomato juice every morning, except, uh,

Major Burns is in charge of requisition, you know,

and I‐I know he'll say no.

Major Burns is not very long on human kindness.

Major Burns wouldn't give a drowning man a glass of water.

Should you give a drowning man‐‐

Major Burns has no heart.

I tried giving him a cardiograph,

and it spelled out I‐O‐U.

Well, would youse guys please talk to him, sirs?

Done, Radar.

Boy, I bet if my little brother had lived,

he'd have grown up to be you two.

That's a pretty neat trick.

What's your hurry, Father?

Oh, I like to get in and get out fast.

Give the next fellow a chance.

Oh, take your time.

The nurses certainly do.

Just stand in here and soap their precious bodies

all over from top to bottom.

Yes... well‐‐

Oh! This cold water is a blessing.

Ah, everyone worth knowing is visiting the baths.

All of Rome is here.

No offense, Father.

Be out in a tick.

Just don't leave it in there.

Frank, how'd you like to do us a favor?

Take your favor and stick it in your jumper.

‐Oh, dear. ‐Now, listen, Father,

these two aren't entitled to any civility.

They stuff lard in my gun belt.

They keep writing nasty things on my shorts.

We like to send threatening underwear.

Frank, this favor's for Colonel Potter.

Oh, him.

Our commanding officer, Frank.

Your commanding officer, Skeezix, not mine.

Last month he said my brain had a charley horse.

"Kick him in the shins," he said.

"Give Frank a headache."

He's got no sensitivity for people's feelings.

He said it right in front of two enlisted creeps.

He was making a joke, Frank.

My brain is no joke.

Hold still, Frank.

‐Did you get it? ‐Get what?

Potter's crazy about tomato juice, Frank.

We'd like you to requisition some.

Not on your Nelly. It's too expensive.

Each month I've only got so much to spend.

Frank, stop trying to bring the war in under budget.

You're gonna win the Distinguished Stingy Cross.

I hope you can see your way clear, Frank.

I think the world of Colonel Potter.

He's a good Christian, yet hardly dull at all.

Well, Frank?

Is that a smile?

It's so hard to tell when a man has no lips.

You can have your tomato juice on one condition.

What's that?

I need a pair of nylons.

A pair of nylons?

Varicose veins?

They're not for me.

Of course not.

They're not for her, either.

What her is that, Frank?

Uh, they're for, uh...

one of the nurses who's performed well in the O. R.

Why haven't I ever thought of taking one in there?

We get you the nylons, Potter gets the juice?

That's it, shorty.

‐Frank? ‐Hmm?

How can we ever thank you?

Oh, now, come on. Get out! Out!

Get out of here you crazy‐‐

Now, stop it! That is not funny at all!

Hey, Klinger, you got a minute?

Me? Where would I get a minute?

I'm up at dawn hauling patients in and out of the O. R.,

then it's over to the hospital,

where I know every bedpan by its first name.

Then it's sentry duty. Over to kitchen

to peel a few hundred potatoes just for laughs.

When am I supposed to rinse out a few things,

set my hair, iron a dress?

It's really rough on a guy.

Who cares? Nobody cares. You can bet

MacArthur doesn't have to rinse out his own nylons.

Speaking of which, how much you want for those?

Forget it. That's my lucky pair.

‐Oh, come on. ‐I'm not kidding.

They belonged to my uncle Bob.

He wore 'em to get out of the navy in World War II.

Klinger, we need 'em for Colonel Potter.

I need 'em for my freedom.

‐We'll get you a little freedom. ‐We will?

Two‐day pass down in Seoul. Two whole days.

That's a stocking a day.

You know, you're a very persuasive person.

You'd've made a terrific hood.