Only Murders in the Building

-Welcome to the end of your movie. -

No fucking way.

But I would much rather have taken Marshall out up close, you know?

I truly don't know how you make words like that arousing.

I got married in this courtyard, you know?

-Middle of the night with just the stars. -Yeah, uh-huh.

-And the fountain as our witness. -Uh-huh.

-I think it's good luck. -Yeah, have a good day.

Eh, having a wedding. We'll have a good day.

Nicky Caccimelio, the dry cleaning king of Brooklyn,

has been reported missing.

The officials say they do not suspect foul play at this time.

- -Mr. Savage, Miss Mora.

I wanna hire you to find my husband, Nicky Caccimelio.

We only investigate murders in the building.

Sofia Caccimelio.

Call if you change your mind.

Oh, my God.

Lester? Lester!

Lester Herbert Coluca was born

in Flatbush, Brooklyn in 1948.

He went on to serve 32 years as doorman

for the iconic Arconia building on the Upper West Side.

Lester is survived by his wife, Lorraine,

and two children, Frank and May.

In lieu of flowers, please send donations

to the National Audubon Birdwatching Society

or the Hollywood Improv East.

That's it? Four lines?

This is a crime against obits.

Where's the color? The texture?

The-- the charming anecdote that makes everyone say,

"That's our guy."

They should have come to me.

Come to you? Not like his wife or kids, maybe?

Yes, to me, the man that, that, that Lester used to whisper to on the daily.

"Hey there, favorite tenant o' mine."

You're more upset about that obit

than when the police declared Lester's death an accident.

No, don't even get me started on that one.

I'm upset about it all.

I loved that man.

The only thing I ever saw was you accusing him

of pilching pepperonis from your pizza delivery.

Well, he was a pepperoni pilcher.

But that's what besties do, they rib each other.

You wouldn't get it.

Ugh, I can't believe you're eating four-day-old wedding shrimp.

Well, you can eat it for five days if it's been on ice.

Six if you've recently had salmonella.

Mm! I can't believe the caterers forgot to serve this.

You just don't seem like a shrimp guy.

Ah, shrimp is but the vessel for the heavenly cocktail sauce.

-Plus, I hate waste. -

I'm so depressed.

Why does it smell like I'm down at the piers cruising the docks?

Howard, I am not a fan of this just-walking-in trend.

I don't care to live inside an episode of Laverne and Shirley.

Howard, what's wrong?

Ah, thank you for asking, Mabel.

Sevelyn and Gravey are so in love, it's like I don't exist.

Jonathan is still on tour with Thoroughly Modern Millie.

Hopefully not getting thoroughly Millied by some chorus boy.

I don't know what that means.

So, I'm left alone with this pet couple

who expect me to wait on them hand and paw.

Hold on. How much shrimp do you have left?

-There's a second case in the fridge. -I can buy their love.

-Well, I suppose we should get going? -

Such an unusual request Lester made, to lie "in state" in our lobby.

I was just down there doing a lap, trying to get a sense of the buzz.

Biggest headline is the security camera footage.

Let me guess. So, Lester's death

wasn't a tragic accident after all.

Well, I mean, it is the Arconia.

When we found him, nothing about that looked accidental.

Whoa there, Sherlock Nursing Holmes.

Good one, Howard.

The footage sadly confirms Lester's death was tragically accidental.

The buzz is about whether or not the new doorman is hot.

I've tallied 15 smashes, two passes,

and one abstain from No Fun Uma.

Anyway, I'll see you downstairs. After I feed the lovers.

So, it was a tragic accident?

- -I don't know.

Still seems...

well, a little fishy.

It's probably for the best.

No murder means no podcast.

No podcast means I get to enjoy being a newlywed.

You get to be a 30-something in the city, and you get to...

I don't know what you do.

What? Oh, I got stuff.

I don't really know what to say to that.

-Oliver. - No, no, Mabel.

Truthfully, I've seen his stuff, and it's nothing to gloat about.

-Oliver. -Oh, have I crossed a line, Charles?

-Oliver! -

-What?! -Why does the shrimp you're holding

have a fingernail?

It is a finger, right?

I don't think it's a toe.

Is it a male finger? Female?

I can't even tell what race it is.

I think its main attribute is dead.

Looks like there's some sort of green fungus on the nail?

Don't pick it up!

-She picked it up. -I knew she would!

- -Okay, Oliver, did anyone at your wedding

mention an accident in the kitchen?

Yes, Mabel, but I kept it to myself.

Do better!

Please, nobody accidentally slices off their finger

and then accidentally puts it into a vintage shrimp goblet.

He's right. We gotta quit saying "accident."

This is a message.

Ugh. So creepy.

It's like the horse head in The Godfather.

Very mobby.

Hey.

Sofia Caccimelio.

Who is that? What's that?

On your wedding night, the night Lester died,

-this mysterious woman... -A real, uh, femme fatale.

...asked us to help her find her missing mobster husband, Nicky.

A mob wife?! And what did you say?

That we weren't a detective agency.

You turned down a mob wife?!

Oh, my God.

- -Show me a photo of Sofia Caccimelio.

Oh, look at them. A classic mob couple.

No honest man wears a flower that big.

They came to you on the night of my wedding,

and you turn them down without considering the consequences.

The Godfather. I know that one.

Fantastic. The education is taking.

-That's a good Brando. -That was a good Brando.

-Thank you. -But you need to jut your chin out

a little, scratch your face with the back of your knuckles.

Hey, bunkie, you gotta get your voice a little bit deeper.

-Get it, my voice a little low. -I came to you...

Yeah, I made him an offer he couldn't, uh, decline.

Okay, you know what? I'm so sorry that I started this.

Can we please get back to the fishy finger?

Whose could it be?

Did anyone check to see if Lester had all his fingers in the fountain?

Alright. We just need a quick peek at his digits.

-Get in, get out. -Shouldn't be too hard.

I mean, I loved the man, but I-- I can't imagine

we'll be fighting off crowds.

Is this how we find out that Lester was a Kennedy?

I don't know an eighth this many people.

What's Mayor Tillman doing here?

-Oh, my goodness. - Hi.

Excuse me-- Mm-hmm.

Uh, if I could have everybody's attention for just a moment.

Thank you.

- -Friends, family,

and-- and, of course,

dear Lorraine, I am here today

because I love Lester...

who I did not know.

But I do love a great doorman.

- -And even better, a collection of doormen.

That's a key voting bloc. Union strong.

This building has seen too much pain recently,

and I just wanted to stop by and say

I stand with you all

in respecting the old guard, like Lester.

Protecting while also bringing new life back

-to a new New York. -

We love you, buddy.

Rest in strength, Mister...

Coluca. Blessed be.

Also, also, uh, let us not forget that the election

is right around the corner, so please, um, uh, get out to the polls.

Thank you very much.

- -Thank you.

Wow, that guy has rizz.

-Oliver! -What? You taught me "rizz."

-No. You didn't do the assignment? -How could you?

Assignment? I didn't know there was an assignment.

They asked us to send a photo of ourselves with Lester.

There was a whole email.

Oh, I unsubscribed to all Arconia emails

after Howard kept spamming us with his Dua Lipa fan fic.

Aw, Lester.

We're gonna miss you, buddy.

We really will.

Wait.

He's not doing the dead man's arm cross.

How can I count his fingers if he's not doing the dead man's arm cross?

Maybe because his finger was chopped off by the mob?

- -Alright, um, change of plan.

Uh, you-- you go, uh, talk to Lester's wife,

and... express your condolences.