Archer

So I get to go to the French riviera on the isis dime

To do what, exactly?

Locate a stolen shipment of redeye missiles and

Kill the arms dealer trying to Sell them -- spyridon skorpio.

....Is diabetes busy?

Don't underestimate scorpio.

There's a reason the bounty on him is so high.

Like high enough to redo my kitchen?

Ugh! What did I tell you?

That saltillo tile is terrible for a kitchen because it's so porous.

And mexican whorehouse-y.

So I'm sure your cook feels at home.

Hey, pita isn't a whore!

Not until you got ahold of her.

First of all -- oh, shut up!

The bounty on scorpio is more than enough for a new kitchen.

I also have the nook, though, so --

And the rest you can set aside for pita's inevitable medical expenses.

Oh, like, one time that happened!

It's pretty late, though. Why don't you, uh, take a cab?

Mr. Sterling? I have problem.

I'll pay for it.

Again?

Seriously, pita.

You're killing me here. Again?!

This was, uh, supposed to be coconut shrimp.

One, three times.

But it's the pope's fault she won't let me wear a condom.

Why don't you wear a vasectomy?!

This again? Don't you want a grandkid?

Well, if I did, I'd just scrape all your previous

Mishaps into a big pile and knit a onesie for it.

Jesus christ!

Sorry, I've been fasting, and I'm edgy.

Still, though. Sterling!

Okay. If there's money left after the kitchen, then vasectomy maybe.

So you do want the assignment.

Yeah, I want it! You really, really, really want it?

Yes. I really want it.

Well, too bad. Because guess what.

Why does she get the mission?!

Because I said so.

Either way, we have a plane to catch.

We?! Why are you going?

I'm going to, um, a conference.

well, isn't that convenient?

If you think that's convenient, wait till you see my new kitchen.

Ha! Seriously, though, you should

Look through some of her design catalogs.

cyril: So, zoom, you're just jetting off to France.

Isn't that kind of sudden?

lana: No, baby. Sudden is wanting to move in

With somebody after only four months.

cyril: Talking! Just talking about it.

You know, I mean, geez, I moved

In with my last girlfriend after four weeks.

lana: What are you, a lesbian?

Why? Would you be into that?

Just curious. Which was an odd word choice

Right there, and am I talking out loud?

malory: Now remember.

I want the entire data system on those new servers, or I will

Just make it rain pink slips!

fear is a poor motivator.

Lana, I want you to call or text me at the top of

Every hour, and I'll call or text at --

Yeah, I'm gonna be kind of busy, hon.

Well, it's all on the schedule.

Oh, no, honey, the doors are closing, and I didn't get the --

Oh. So close.

No!

That's not why I'm -- but, look, you be careful with scorpio.

He won't hesitate to kill you.

Unless I get smothered to death first.

Oh, well, that's just pathetic.

But even though cyril may be clingy --

Oh, saran wrap could take a lesson.

You used to complain constantly that sterling was emotionally distant.

Yeah. I was just being nice, though.

I wonder if he's like

That because I used to spank him with a wooden spoon.

Uh, yeah, I don't know about that.

But it might explain the ping-pong paddle.

Merci! My point is, dear, you can trust cyril.

Now, you go have a fun assassination. Uh, okay.

Uh, and you go have fun at your thing.

Oh, I will. Bye, dear.

Did you rent a boat?

da! Is very pretty nice boat.

It better be, mr. Sex tape.

And you, scuff that luggage, and i'll cut your hamstrings for you.

You know, I think we're making some progress.

where? In opposite world?

We're never gonna finish all this.

We can if certain people would help.

krieger: I'm sorry, are you addressing me?

Because your authority is not recognized in fort kick-ass.

Mr. Archer, you could help.

Hey, I'm helping cyril.

Text her again.

I am, if you'd shut up.

And really pour out your feelings.

Don't listen to him.

He's just trying to -- shut up!

Cyril, bare your soul.

so, did I say it's nice boat, or what?

Yes, nikolai, you certainly did.

Which hopefully explains my shock at finding myself aboard

The chum guzzler!

I am just getting that.

malory: Well, I know what you're not getting.

Give it to me! No!

cyril: Pam, I'm serious!

Give me my phone!

Cyril, goddamn it.

You're smothering lana.

cyril: Pam, I will hit you in the face!

archer: Don't listen to her, cyril.

You know, if there's one thing

Wotamen tolly love, it's to be smothered by men.

Like you'd know.

archer: Or choked, in your case.

Cyril, trust me.

Give her some space.

cyril: But why hasn't she called?

I mean, what if she's in danger or --

archer: Cyril, come on!

Worst-case scenario, her cover got blown, and scorpio's raping

Her senseless before he chops her battered corpse into fish food.

cyril: Oh, my god. What is wrong with you?!

archer: What?!

I said "Worst-case."

kroshk¨¢, leave that to your field agent.

Why must you always micromanage?

malory: I don't!

And if you will recall, I used to be an excellent field agent.

Is why I fall in love with you.

malory: My god, kolya, we were so young.

young. And in love. And in berlin.

On that magical, moonlit night, beneath the bridge of spies.

the night before you break my heart and disappear for nine months.

Kolya, there's -- there's something I've been meaning to tell you.

What is in this drink?!

oh, sorry.

Is ice from cooler.

Somehow it got butter all over it.

hey! Don't be queen of drama.

malory: That wasn't me, you idiot!

Oh, dear god.

archer: Cyril, stop. cyril: It's lana.

Here! Give me! archer: It's my phone.

Pam put yours in the blender.

It's called tough love, cyril.

krieger: The secret ingredient is phone.

archer: Myello? Mother?

What?! Really?

A-and you're sure it was lana?

cyril: What was lana?!

archer: Okay, I'm on it. cyril: Come on!

archer: What? Yes. God!

cyril: What did she say?

archer: Well, she's still really pro-vasectomy.

cyril: About lana!

archer: Oh, right. Yeah.

So, uh, remember that worst-case scenario we talked about?

cyril: Oh, my god.

krieger: Yes, I remember!

cyril: Archer, if anything --

archer: Cyril, relax.

I will rescue her.

So, krieger, how's about a roadie?

Because it would be nice to know what kind of danger i'm facing here.

What danger?

They do it outpatient.

Wha-- not the vasectomy.

The rescue.

How would I know?

I'm at a conference.

Wait a minute.

You don't have a minute!

Now, will you just put a lid on it?!

All right. I'm going.

God!

shitty flying rats!

Just put the damn lid on it!

Commence operation

Something about I rescue lana

And she begs me to take her back, so then cyril commits suicide.

Swear to god I had something for this.

Seriously.

Are you people just bailing on this whole assignment or what?

Who gives a gosh damn about that?!

Lana's captured, maybe even -- rescued! Kenny crybaby!

Come on!

I bet mr. Archer already went all double-"O"-ninja on

Skorpio's ass!

Karate sound.

You really think so?

cyril, right this second,

I Bet he's untying lana,