Archer

- What? - No. Nothing.

Flies like a dream.

Well, she did before you crashed her into a goddamn street

anybody with the sense God gave a goddamn duck

could tell was nowhere near wide enough.

- Ugh, ducks. - Don't start your racist bullshit.

- You know I'm right. - And I'm in no mood.

In some kind of mood.

Yeah, you want to guess why?

- Sterling? - Like in general, or...

- Bird. - Sterling!

What?! Sorry. What can I do for you?

Well, you can start by watching that tone, mister.

And then, you can tell me why I'm looking at the package

you were supposed to fly to Tahiti today.

Oh, did I not do that?

Do I need to remind you just who exactly owns that flying crate?

So wherever you idiots are, and whatever idiocy you're up to...

- I... - I don't think idiots

know how to find a million dollar treasure.

A what?!

What'd she say, what treasure?

What are you two up to? Sterling?

Because you're both company employees

using company resources on company time, and so, legally,

anything of value, be it monetary or otherwise,

that you may happen to make, find, stumble upon,

or otherwise obt...

I, uh, probably shouldn't have said anything, huh?

- Yeah, but was that necessary? - No, Crackers, it wasn't.

In fact, it was wildly unnecessary.

Like radish roses, or Pam running her fat mouth.

- I like radish roses. - Right?

- Typical. - Of what?

Of assholes. Now get out your shitty map

and get us to that goddamn idol

so I can lie to my mother about finding it,

and begin living a life of luxury where she can't find me.

Okay. God. And it's not a shitty map.

It'll take us right to the idol.

Just set old Lucy down in Dead Man's Cove.

Seriously? What, did somebody have dibs

- on Foreshadowing Lagoon? - Hmm. It doesn't say.

9x05 - Strange Doings in the Taboo Groves

I just want to reiterate

that I think it was a pretty bad idea to shoot the radio.

Jesus, talk about foreshadowing.

Yeah, or don't. In fact, how about you two

don't talk about any...

- What the hell was that? - Maybe howler monkeys?

Hopefully howler monkeys?

Yeah, except howler monkeys only live in Central and South America.

Not only. Monkeys live everywhere.

- No, they... - Shut up.

One time, I saw a monkey in a bar, in Paris, France, Europe.

- Wha...? - Dressed as a teeny tiny waiter.

Well, then I obviously stand corrected.

- Yeah. Like an idiot. - I'm sorry?

- Hello. Breakfast? - Oh, do tell.

I will have a crispy golden Belgian waffle,

drizzled with melted Belgian chocolate,

with a side of Belgian endive.

And I feel like I'd feel a lot better

if you were maybe writing this down.

No need, that's just The King Leopold.

Really? That's, like, a dish you have?

Oh, sarcasm. Well, then I'll just have champagne.

- Fresh out. - Can you check again?

Or, I could have the Germans rip up

the walls and floors helping you look?

- What kind? - Mm... most expensive.

Speaking of which, has Sterling mentioned anything to you

about coming into some money, or, say...

treasure?

Oh, you mean since the night he defiled my young, supple body,

destroyed my marriage, and sentenced me to a life of shame?

Or whenever. And why the hell are you in here?!

- Uh, breakfast? - Not in here. You're 86'd.

But I'm very hungry,

and for some verdammt reason, Luigi is not open.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

I also overheard you mention something about hidden treasure?

- Nope. - And also, I could not help

but notice you have there a map of the island?

- Nope. - And so, naturally, I wonder

if you think there is some treasure hidden somewhere on the island.

Like in the book by Robert Louis Stevenson?

"Weir of Hermiston?"

Wha...? Nein, Treasure Island.

I don't know all his goddamn books!

- Move! - But what I know

is that unless you want Manu to scramble your eggs...

Yeah, I would love some scrambled... Oh, I see.

You mean my testicles.

Schreckliche Stadt zum Frühstück.

Well? Which way, "insert obscure reference

to a famous cartographer"?

- Ooh, Hendrik Hondius? - Sure. Pam?

- I don't know who that is. - No. Which way?

Okay, so... okay, so, the thing is...

Give me that. Oh, my God.

- Is that... shit? - What?

- Ew! - No, dumb-ass. It's barbecue sauce.

- Wha...? - Kansas City or Carolina?

- What am I, an asshole? - Already established, and so,

what was already the world's worst map

you somehow made even worse by...

Wait, where'd you get barbecue?

- What? - I haven't had barbecue

since we left Spain, where the hell did you get it?

- Oh. Uh... - Pam.

- Look, it's not... - Oh, my God.

- Did you... - Oh, no.

Eat a person?

- What? No! - Ew!

- Then, where'd you get barbecue? - I didn't.

Then why'd you have barbecue sauce?

I don't... I mean, I've been drinking it.

- What? - Oh, for the...

As an aperitif. Happy?

- Happy you drink barbecue sauce? - It's basically V8.

It's brown sugar and ketchup.

- Goddamn it, which way, Pam? - That way.

- You're sure? - Positive.

Well, you totally sold that.

I'm gonna miss that dopey confidence

once we find this damn idol...

- What the...? - Archer?

Oh! Ow! Oh! Oh! Ugh!

- Oh... - Archer?

- Be careful. - Thanks, dummy.

- Eh. - Oh, shit. It's a big, steep-ass ravine.

Okay, I'm gonna have to rappel down.

Should I come with you?

- Yeah. Or your dumb ass could fly. - Oh, right.

- Come on, you got it, just hurry up. - Why, is he hurt?

- No, but... - Shut up.

- Archer? You okay? - Uh, yeah, currently.

What do you mean, "currently"?

Holy shitsnacks!

- Yeah. - Quicksand!

Yeah. And that's still going on.

Which... so great.

You can not be serious. Archer?

Is out there looking for the idol?

How does he even know where to look?

Well, I have no way to know this, but, uh...

But meanwhile, instead of searching the jungle for the idol,

your men are getting drunk every night

and shtupping the crazy coconut lady.

They are really möndsuchtig.

- "Moonstruck"? - Moonstruck.

- Besotted. - I know what it means.

But I can't help wonder if Japanese soldiers

wouldn't be much more disciplined.

All right. I get your point. I will find it.

Now, how about a little frühstück,

- my little passion fruit? - Not until you pay me for the idol.

Oh, but that makes our relationship sound so transactional.

It is transactional.

I know, but it hurts to hear it.

No idol, no money, no fruit.

Deine Freizeit. Ist kaputt!

Erste Sache, nicht mehr mit deiser

verrückten Kokosnussfrau shtuppen!

Was willst Du?

Uh, we were wondering if, perhaps, as a group,

we could speak English?

- Yeah, English. - Warum?

Well, as you call her, this "crazy coconut lady,"

does not speak German, so we would like to practice English.

- Yeah. - Why not?

Why, do you think this woman

would ever marry one of you dummkopfen?

- I mean... - Fine. English, then.

We march today into the jungle,

where we will search for and find,

something vital to the future of our great fatherland.

But the jungle is very dangerous, full of lizards

and snakes and cannibals and what else, Gott weiß?

- Can we shoot the lizards and snakes? - Yes, of course.

- Can we shoot the cannibals? - You can shoot anything you want!

Now are there any other questions?

That are not about shooting things?

Then, let's go.

The American pilots may have a head start on us.

They also may be smarter than they look.

Because get the hell off me, bird!

But I'm hugging you, with my talons.

- Why? - 'Cause I'm here for you.

Well, "be here" somewhere else.

Yeesh. With friends like you.

Case in point, what'd you mean when you said

you were gonna miss me once we found the idol?

I... can we talk about this later?

No. Why'd you say you'd miss me?

I... look, you're gonna miss me

if I drown in this goddamn quicksand.

Yeah, try not to thrash around, it makes you sink faster.

- How would you know? - Cowboy movies.