Waiter (Ober)

[distinctive film projector and sound effect]

There you are, sir.

Waiter...

Waiter.

Edgar...

- What's this? - An entrecote.

This thing's raw. I'm not a hyena, am I?

- You'd like it well done? - Yes.

- Do I get some attention? - I'll be right with you.

There you are, sir.

- White wine? - Do you do it on purpose?

You can see I'm busy.

- White wine? - Yes, and be a bit nicer to me.

- Where's Walter? - In the toilet.

Walter?

- Are you coming to help me or not? - I'm not feeling too good.

- Mentally or physically? - Physically.

Just give that entrecote a nudge, will you.

There's an entrecote by your foot.

There you are, sir.

Is that better?

Waiter.

- What did that woman say? - Nothing special.

It looked like a conversation.

- Have you changed your make-up? - No. Why?

You look so odd.

- What are you having? - A schnitzel.

- With salad? - Be a bit nicer.

I'm looking forward to a nice evening. Unlike you, apparently.

- Victoria, I'm at work. - Say that you love me.

I'm horny as hell.

Yes.

- Salad? - No.

Wiener Schnitzel or Gypsy Schnitzel?

A Gypsy Schnitzel.

A Gypsy Schnitzel.

Made with love, please. It's for Victoria.

Either go home or come and help me.

- Do you hear me? - Yeah, I'm coming.

One beer for table six.

Edgar...

Forgotten I'm here?

- I've got to go. - Why's that?

I've got a sick wife at home.

So?

- You're late. - It was busy.

Goodnight.

It's no good. I'm not going to show it. That sex all the time.

They're having a relationship. So they do it, don't they?

Yes, so I don't need to show it.

It depends how you show it. You're making it miserable again.

Role-play.

Role-play. They could dress up.

It's OK, girly.

That's good. Carry on.

No, I'll leave it at that.

Come on, I want to see what's going to happen.

That's obvious, isn't it?

You come up with four negroes. I want to see what happens.

Leave it at that, or it turns into an orgy with four negroes and that's stupid.

It's not stupid at all. I want to see that.

Well, I don't.

- Are you staying the night? - I have to go home.

You don't have to. You could stay.

- What are you doing? - Get up.

- Stand up. - You're hurting me.

I'm no idiot. How long have you been carrying on with the doctor?

For a year. I can't stand you, Edgar.

Suzie, what are you doing?

- What are you doing? - Nothing.

I can hear typing.

Suzie.

What's this?

God Almighty, Suzie!

Jesus Christ. Keep your hands off my script.

This is outrageous. Do I have to switch off my PC every time?

Just read the scene first.

Rubbish, it's a load of rubbish.

You don't have a clue.

- It was a good scene. - It's completely useless.

Edgar's not supposed to know his wife's having an affair.

We're hungry. What do you recommend?

Have you looked at the menu?

Yes, but I'm asking: What do you recommend?

Did you have meat or fish in mind?

I don't have anything in mind. What do you recommend?

I can recommend the cod with mustard sauce or a schnitzel.

- Schnitzel? Is that veal? - Yes.

- I don't eat veal. Is the cod fresh? - Frozen. Everything is nowadays.

- Is that so? - Yes.

- Is the mustard sauce spicy? - Yes.

If I order this cod and eat it, will I have had a nice meal?

- Is that a guarantee? - Things can go wrong.

- Then I'd get revolting cod? - You'd get a new one.

A new revolting one.

Then I'd be extra careful.

Why aren't you extra careful the first time?

I will be extra careful the first time.

So I'll get delicious cod straight off? I'll have the cod.

- What's it served with, the cod? - Rice and carrots.

I'll have the cod, but with chips and without carrots.

Two cod.

- One with chips and without carrots. - Yes, I know.

- But you haven't written it down. - Yes, I have.

- I'll have the liver. - I wouldn't do that.

- What did you say? - I wouldn't do that.

- I feel like liver. - I'd advise you against it.

What the hell is this?

- It's on the menu, isn't it? - As far as I'm concerned, it shouldn't be.

- But it's on there. - It's not up to me.

- An ordinary steak. With salad. - Me too.

- Weren't you having the cod? - Now I want steak.

- The steak's finished. - It's unbelievable.

What does this say? Sausage. What kind of sausage is it?

- German sausage. - Sausage from Germany?

- Which animal? - Which animal?

From which animal is the sausage made? For God's sake, man!

Pig.

We want to eat, but you don't give the impression it's possible.

- Are you a trained waiter? - Yes.

Didn't they tell you that you should praise a dish?

"Sir, I heartily recommend the German sausage."

"It's a delicious pork sausage, specially made for us by a small Bavarian firm."

Try saying that.

Say after me. "Sir, I heartily recommend the German pork sausage."

- Say it, damn you. - Sir, I recommend the German sausage.

- Heartily. - Heartily.

A delicious pork sausage specially made for us by a small Bavarian firm.

A delicious pork sausage specially made for us by a small Bremen firm.

- Bavarian. - Bavarian.

Was that so difficult?

- I'll have the German sausage. - Me too.

Sorry to barge in like this, but you're going too far.

Jesus, what are you up to? This is insane.

What's this? You can't turn up here. You're fictitious.

Why must I grovel to the businessmen? Why can't I answer back?

- That's the story. - What's the story?

- You're not to know that. - And my sick wife. What's that about?

- You're having a hard time. - It's more than hard, it's unbearable.

A chronically sick wife. How can I love her?

- He's right. - Shut up.

Admit it. She's got to die. She stagnates everything.

- She ruins my life. - That's the whole idea.

But she's ruining your story too. A sick wife is boring.

You don't know what's in store.

Only that his wife's having an affair with the doc.

- He's not supposed to know that. - She's having an affair with the doctor?

- Yes. - That's been scrapped.

- So it didn't happen? - No, because it's been scrapped.

- It had better be, the filthy whore. - It's been scrapped, it didn't happen.

- Scrap the wife. - No.

God, you're so difficult. What's the problem?

If you can't scrap things, you're a useless writer.

- Shut up. - Scrap her.

If you scrap her, you'll have more elbow room.

That's better for the story and makes me more active.

- And that's what you'd like? - Yes, very much.

I'm not making any promises. Now get out.

One more thing. Those neighbors. Can't they move out?

- No. - Why not?

You have to be provoked. You have to suffer.

- So it's going to get worse? - Yes.

- Those businessmen are coming back? - Maybe. And now stop.

If they come back, can you give me a couple of snappy lines?

- Please? So I can stick up for myself? - Sod off!

- What is it now? - Do I get a new girlfriend?

- He's got a girlfriend. - A girlfriend with a bit of love.

Even if it doesn't last. A fleeting moment of happiness.

You can punish me again afterwards.

- I'll make a concession. - By giving him a girlfriend?

- Can't you shut up? - You mustn't give him a girlfriend.

He's already got one. Two girlfriends? You're no good at triangles.

There's not going to be a triangle.

You're getting a girlfriend. For a short time.

On one condition. That you leave me in peace.

Whatever happens to you, you leave me in peace.

See you.

I've missed you so much.

I've missed you too.

- I've got to go. - So soon?

Yes.

A moment more.

See you tomorrow.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

We provide you with compost. Don't throw it back at us.

Compost? Rubbish.

It just needs to be sorted. You need some compost, don't you? It's a gift.

- Well? - What?

- How about a thank you? - For that rubbish?

And now a smack in the face.

You can say thank you, can't you?

- Yes. - It's not hard, is it?

Say it then. "Thank you, Richard."

Thank you, Richard.

I had one more question.

I'm sometimes bothered by disturbance.

Disturbance? From whom?

- From you. - What kind of disturbance?

Loud music. Last week an electric drill.

Sieb is a sound technician.