Brooklyn Nine-Nine

So, again, your alibi is a mysterious stranger

handed you the gun, made you put your prints on it,

robbed the store, and then hid the gun

in your underpants.

Well, yeah, if you say it like that,

it don't sound believable.

Oh, hey, captain.

Did you get my report on the Finley murder?

Yeah, I looked it over. Nice work.

Good. Thanks, dad.

Why is everyone staring at me?

You just called captain Holt "dad."

What? No, I didn't. I said, "thanks, man."

Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?

No. If anything, I see you

as a "bother" figure,

'cause you're always bothering me.

Hey, show your father some respect.

I didn't call him dad.

No, no, no, no, Jacob.

I take it as a compliment.

I called Vivian "mom" once, and she's my fiancee.

Guys, jump on that!

Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.

Old news.

But you calling Holt "daddy"--

hey, "daddy" is not on the table here.

But you did call him "dad," dude.

All right, all right, I was lying about the holdup.

But the dad thing, that happened.

Aha!

He admitted that his alibi was a lie.

It was a trap, all part of my crazy, devious plan.

I believe you. Thank you.

Son.

Do you want to talk about it later

over a game of catch?

I'd like that.

Thank you for coming in on your day off.

I know you'd all rather be at home,

binge watching media content.

Oh! I just started the second season

of media content.

No spoilers.

But these evaluations are important.

Sir, I think I speak for all of us...

She doesn't.

When I say that we can't wait

for you to sit in judgment of us.

Oh, these will be self-evaluations, Santiago.

Why...Se.

Very wise, sir.

Nice save.

Also, please stay out of the way

of the weekend squad.

They are on duty, and the bullpen is theirs.

I hate the weekend squad.

Detective lohank shaves at my desk

and gets hair all over my computer.

My "r" key is jammed with stubble.

Well, that explains the email you sent

about the "guesome mude."

Dismissed.

I'm pumped for these evaluations, sir.

I can't wait to hear what you have to say about my squad.

I think they've had a great year.

I feel like a proud mama hen

whose baby chicks have learned to fly.

Interesting analogy, sergeant.

Chickens are famously bad at flying.

Yo.

Peralta asked to be first,

which shows how seriously he's begun taking his job.

Nope, I just want to get this over with.

So I have 72 arrests,

an 80% clearance rate,

but most importantly,

I wore a tie sometimes.

Now, I have a question for you:

Is there any way I can borrow $430,000?

Why on earth do you need that much money?

I need to buy my apartment.

I've been living at my Nana's place

since she passed away 'cause it's rent-controlled,

but now the building's going co-op,

so I have to buy it.

I need to secure a loan by the end of the day.

Uh, so should we do a wire transfer,

or do you think cash is easier?

Let's just do cash.

Shouldn't you be asking somebody else

for that kind of money?

Like a bank?

Yeah, I tried that.

Jake, I cannot believe

you're gonna lose Nana's apartment.

We grew up together. We used to hang out there

every day after school.

That's right, because there was no one to look after us,

because our moms both worked, and...

We didn't have fathers

Peralta, I will not give you a cool half mil

because you had a slightly sad childhood.

Go solve your housing crisis.

Nana made me the intelligent, sensuous woman I am today.

Weird way to describe a grandma's influence on you.

I'm sorry, Gina.

I don't know that we can spare you.

Um, these are her notes so far.

"Empanadas, Atlantic city, birth control."

No, that's my travel journal.

I haven't started on the notes yet.

You may go with Peralta.

Both: Thank you.

I want to take Vivian somewhere romantic tonight.

How about this?

Graziolo's,

for the porco digestivo meal.

It's a culinary tour of a pig's digestive track.

Pig bung gelato for two, anyone?

Uh-oh, heads up.

Weekend crew.

I feel sad for you.

I love my desk buddy.

Sometimes detective kearns and I leave presents

for each other.

Well, lohank's a stubble monkey.

I hate him and his face garbage.

Why don't you just tell him to stop shaving at his desk?

He denies even doing it. I don't know why.

Next time I catch him shaving,

I'm gonna punch him so hard in the mouth

he bites his own heart.

Could that be why he denies doing it?

Oh, yeah, you could be right. Yeah.

Oh, wow.

It is always so crazy coming back here.

Remember when Nana got cable?

We watched house party 2 so many times.

It was a pajama-jamma-jam. We had no choice.

Our hands were tied. I gotta say,

I'm psyched to be hanging like this, old-school stylez.

"Stylez" with a "z".

Oh, I could tell.

Okay, well, maybe we can figure out a way for you

to afford this place.

Hup, hup, before we get all financial,

can I interest you in an ice-cold foh-dy?

A'ight.

So talk to me, goose. How we lookin'?

Sexy, but not like we're trying too hard.

Like, sure, we're trying,

but it's almost effortless.

Yeah, no, I knew all of that.

I meant the money thing.

Oh. My first impression

is that you have a debilitating spending problem.

Jake, you have six massage chairs.

Well, they don't make a massage couch.

Okay, but you also have three turntables.

Ooh, yeah! I'm learning how to spin.

Check it out.

All I have are my grandma's old klezmer records,

and I still haven't quite figured out

how to sync up the beats, but it's not bad, right?

It sounds like joy behar falling down some stairs.

Okay, you also purchased

Olympus has fallen on demand 12 times.

Was it a difficult movie for you to follow?

No, just watched it a lot.

How much do I have to cut back in order to keep this place?

Infinity percent.

Technically speaking, you're bankrupt, kiddo.

That sounds bad.

I only said "kiddo" to soften the blow, kiddo.

This is so unfair.

And then all of the sudden, they decide they're going co-op

with zero warning?

It seems illegal

they didn't tell you this was happening.

Well, it's possible I missed a letter,

but I doubt it.

Ooh, let's check the mail tub.

Mail tub?

Nope. No.

No.

See? It's impossible to find anything in here.

It's not my fault.

This is actually a cool little bathroom.

Nice claw-foot tub.

Which I will never throw my mail into again.

Unless...

I didn't want to do this, but I do know one way

we could get the money.

You'd make a decent prostitute.

I'd make an amazing prostitute.

But I was actually talking about this guy I know, Frank.

He's kinda skeevy, but he will loan money to anybody.

So he's a loan shark.

Maybe you're not thinking this through.