M*A*S*H

Hot diggity! Another ringer for the old warhorse.

No fair, Colonel. You're invincible.

The only one who could ever whup me

in horseshoes was Mildred.

But then, I could take her two out of three

in arm wrestling.

The essence of a good marriage is mutual respect.

Watch this.

‐(laughing) ‐Oh, rats!

I'd even the score in golf, Colonel,

if some lowlife hadn't stolen my clubs.

That shouldn't affect your score

as long as they didn't steal your eraser.

The way things are going,

they'll be walkin' off with that pretty soon.

Around here, a crime wave isn't hard to understand.

With so many people violating

"thou shalt not kill,"

"thou shalt not steal" seems rather paltry.

Ah, horseshoes!

That explains why Sophie's trotting around in mukluks.

Hush! Where's your horseshoe etiquette?

I'm just a leaner away from immortality.

Beyond immortality! What a streak!

If Mildred were here,

I'd even give her a run for her money.

What have you got there, Klinger?

A package just came in

addressed to "Chief Surgeon."

‐Dr. Chief Surgeon to you. ‐Who's it from, Chief?

"Central Avenue Photo, Highland Park, Illinois."

Maybe it's those missing reels from David and Sheba's bath.

Oh, goody. The underwater scenes.

Here, you read, I'll open.

"Dear, sir. I am sending this gift

"as a small token of my gratitude

"to the surgeon who saved my boy, Gregor.

"Please see that he gets this,

along with my everlasting thanks.

Sincerely yours, Dimitry Popadopalous."

Hey, look at this.

‐It's a Polaroid. ‐Looks like a camera to me.

It is. The new kind that develops its own pictures.

I've heard of those. It's like it's got its own little drugstore inside.

Popadopalous. Gregor Popadopalous.

This is fantastic! You can get a finished picture in 60 seconds.

Will wonders never cease. I still can't get used to indoor plumbing.

How am I ever going to thank him?

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Get your hands off my camera!

What do you mean, your camera?

I did the bowel resection on Popadopalous.

I remember kidding him about his long name.

I said he needed two dog tags.

Oh, yeah? Well, if your memory is so perfect,

how come you don't remember that I'm the one

who patched the artery in his leg?

Just look at you.

A boy's father makes a gesture of thanks,

and this is the thanks he gets?

Sounds to me like that camera belongs to the both of you.

If you can't buy that, I'll be glad to cut it in half.

Uh, how does it feel to be the co‐owner

of a Polaroid Land Camera?

Yeah, okay, you can be co‐owner,

but I get to use it first.

‐Why you? ‐Because I know photography.

‐Oh, you do, do you? ‐Like the back of my hand.

I don't understand it. What are we doing wrong?

Everything.

Well, how are the photogs coming?

Brilliantly. Pierce is demonstrating

his mastery of black and what photography.

Oh, really? And I suppose you could do better?

I could. So could J. Fred Muggs.

Major, are you familiar with this equipment?

No, Father. I restrict my expertise to cameras.

I have a superb collection

of the finest German equipment

including Rolleiflex, Leica, of course.

Major, looks like you and I are fellow shutterbugs.

Except I always buy American. I got me a Brownie Hawkeye.

Oh, really? Why don't you come by sometime?

I'll autograph it.

Sorry to interrupt the photo session,

but we've got wounded on the way.

From one bleak picture to another.

You know, I took a snap back home I'm really proud of.

Keep it right on the mantle. It's a pony with a hat on.

‐ Oh. You are indeed an artist. ‐ Oh! Thank you.

And another time, Mildred and I were up on Heavenly Hill.

There was this big full moon, and suddenly it hit me.

I took my trusty Brownie and had Mildred stand just so.

Then I snapped off a few...

and doggone if they don't look

just like Mildred's holdin' herself a handful of moon.

Old soldiers never die, they just keep taking snapshots.

Nurse, I'm a little concerned about all the dirt

we're flushing out of this wound.

How's the penicillin holding up?

Well, what hasn't been stolen is locked up in the storeroom.

Damn thieves. They won't get their hands on this batch

if I have to sleep with it under my pillow.

If you need more penicillin, I'll get it for you.

Yes, do. We will be needing it.

Your Rx is my command.

Hey, Hawk, this looks more like Father Mulcahy

than your photograph does.

Ha ha, Hunnicutt.

Don't forget, they laughed at Edison.

They laughed at Fulton.

‐They laughed at Pinky Lee. ‐You just wait.

It will be only minutes

before I master 60‐second photography.

Sixty‐second photography?

Does Pierce have a Polaroid?

Yeah. Clamp.

Can you imagine someone getting excited

about a thing like that?

A Polaroid?

Come on! Come on, everybody! Tall ones in the back!

No, no, no, not you. You're too short.

Stay where you are. Get in the second row, Roy.

Leave some space in the middle there for me.

This first one's going stateside to my mother.

Klinger, do that one more time and you'll never see those fingers again!

Okay, come on now, everybody, be happy!

If you tell me to say "cheese," I will tell you "good‐bye."

Quiet, Winchester.

And tilt your head a little. We're getting some glare off it.

Major, I don't think you're doing this right.

It ought to be boy, girl, boy, girl.

Please, Colonel, let me handle this.

Pierce! Hunnicutt! I've done my part!

Now get out here with your camera!

How could you just go to O. R.

and leave it on the bed?

How could I leave something

you wouldn't let me get my hands on?

‐Out of spite! ‐All right, boys.

‐What's all the tumult? ‐The camera's been stolen!

‐What? ‐(crowd clamoring)

Probably a representative of the society

from the Prevention of Cruelty to Film.

What do you mean stolen?

Our resident klepto must have lifted it while we were in O. R.

Damn it! I've had it up to my eyebrows

with all this filching.

And I'm gonna do something about this

before we all end up standing around in our skivvies.

Easy, Colonel. A camera can be replaced,

but blood pressure is forever.

To hell with my blood pressure!

‐Klinger! ‐Yes, sir.

Fill out that stolen goods report on the camera.

‐Klinger! ‐Yo!

The thief was nice enough to leave the box.

Come on. I'll give you the serial number from it.

You M. P.'s, come with me.

I'm gonna get you boys some reinforcements.

This thing is bigger than both of you.

You imbecile! How could you do this to my mother?

You promised us steak and this isn't it.

I know, because I carry a picture of steak in my wallet

with the rest of my loved ones.

I made that promise before someone raided the icebox.

He stole all the beef and just left the cold cuts.

‐At least we know now we're not dealing with an idiot. ‐What's the war coming to?

Remember when we first moved here?

You could go to bed and leave your tent unlocked.

At night, you could walk through the minefield

without having your wallet stolen.

Klinger, what do you hear about our camera?

‐Not a peep, sirs. ‐You'd think after a week

they could at least come up with a dead end.

The trouble is, the way this crime wave is spreading,

I'm sure C. I. D. has more of these reports than it can handle.

So, we get lost in the shuffle?

I'm not giving up that camera without a fight.

Oh, yes, of course I'll wait.

‐In fact, I'll be glad to. ‐That's tellin' him, Hawk.

There's no point arguing with the clerk.

He's putting me on with his superior.

‐Hello, Corporal? Now we're getting somewhere. ‐Corporal.

Uh, my name is Pierce, Captain Benjamin Franklin of MASH 4077.

I'm calling about a stolen goods report

that I filed on a Polaroid camera.

Uh, we... I filed it...

What? Uh, Polaroid.

It's a camera. It developed its own pictures.

No, I'm not kidding you. No.

No, this is not Crazy Al of Special Services.

Would‐‐ Would you just‐‐ I'm‐‐

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess you could take those kinds of pictures.

Yeah.

Yeah. No, no, no.

No, I haven't taken one because I don't have the camera

because it's been stolen, remember?

It would be faster if we got Popadopalous to send us another one.

I did file a stolen goods report.