Dead Boss

I now sentence you to 12 years. Objection!

Too long?

I didn't kill Eric Bridges!

Tony Norman is no longer associated with Helen Stephens and her murder.

Laura? What are you doing there? I work here now.

You'll be joining Fatty in solitary.

Then it won't be solitary. Get out!

I'm damned if I'm going to be thrown back on the case.

I'm starting up the lottery syndicate again.

Mrs Bridges! Yeah, that's right.

"Dear Maurice, what a relief to receive your postcard

"from Death Row. I was fearing the worst.

"Coincidentally, my last pen pal was also electrocuted,

"but that's because her kite got caught in a pylon.

"At least I think that's the translation.

"My Spanish was quite limited.

"Anyway, I'm afraid my news is of little cheer.

"I'm still denied my basic human rights of freedom, dignity,

"and decent quality hair straighteners.

"Each day I think of all I'm missing on the outside world

"as I watch another prisoner walk free."

Yeah, that's it, just go! Go see your family!

You tell them what we did to each other every Tuesday for four years.

Tell me that didn't mean anything!

I can still taste you! I can still taste you!

"I've always thought Miley Cyrus has an exceptionally punchable face,

"but she absolutely nailed it when she sang that thing about, you know,

"getting through it all and stuff.

"Which is something I need to remember since my fiance

"and bloody alibi Justin is still missing,

"and my lawyer's announced he's now off my case.

"But to be honest, good riddance."

What do you mean, you've been threatened back on the case?

It doesn't matter.

What matters is that it was the kick up the arse I needed.

FFS, Tony! No, really.

One minute you're on the case and then you're off the case.

Anyway, I've done what I should've done a long time ago...

I've applied for legal aid.

Forget it, Helen. I'm back on the case.

No, you're not. Yes, I am!

You can't represent me against my will. Yes, I bloody can.

Get off my case, Tony. I said, get off it. No!

Oh, is that Justin?

Yes! I'm back on the case! Do whatever you want

but as far as I'm concerned, Tony, you're my ex-lawyer.

Look, I think we both know we could have done a lot of stuff

better the first time. I mean,

that's the beauty of the appeal process, isn't it?

Second chances all round!

Let it be known that Tony Norman, Helen Stephens's lawyer,

is back on the case.

Do you mind if I take this for my stepson? Thanks.

Get a wriggle on, Russell. Chop chop! The van's waiting, yeah.

Oh, are you going now? I'm not going to cry.

Stop blubbing. It's well unattractive.

It's only a week. You are going to love Germany.

Think of all the prisoners the Governor could have picked for the prison exchange.

You're like an ambassador for British... sociopaths!

Oh, Helly, I'm going to miss you.

Are you going to miss me? Yeah. Really?

Course. Are you sure? Of course I'll miss you.

Say it. I'll miss you.

Say it with my name.

I'll miss you, Christine.

Really? Oh, let's wrap this up.

I'll bring you back a sausage.

The cell will be empty without you!

It won't. It's a prison exchange, we get one in return.

That's how an exchange works, you stupid cow.

You'll be babysitting Mrs Gertrude Wermers,

43-year-old widowed cannibal.

Oh, and Stephens, keep your toes tucked in bed tonight. Otherwise...

She's rather shy. This is her first time away from the Mutterland

and understandably, she's a little wary.

Moechtest du ping-pong spielen?

Nein. Ping-pong?

Nein. Ping-pong?

Ja?

I was asking her if she likes to play ping-pong, which naturally she does.

Ich sagte nein.

Stephens, I want you to give her a tour of the wing,

point out the views, show her where she can get a souvenir tattoo done,

that sort of thing, give her a taste of the Great British Penal system.

Britain welcomes... German cannibals.

Do you want to pop off and get processed?

We have a very good relationship with our German counterparts

at Wassenburg Prison.

Wouldn't want to screw that up.

So if anything happens to Gertrude, and I mean anything,

your legal aid application will be carefully filed away.

Oh!

So, this is the place I like to call my prison cell.

Mea casa, tua casa. Is that German?

Er... mein kampf is your kampf. Is this some kind of joke?

In Germany, we have shower cubicles bigger than this.

Hang on, I thought you didn't speak English?

We are not lazy with our languages like you Brits.

I speak Irish, actually,

and I know most of the words to that song, Encore Une Fois, so...

I'm going to lie down now. That's my bunk.

Listen, lady, I don't know how to say this without

sounding like I'm up my own asshole

but in Germany, I'm kind of a big deal.

I've had seven crime books written about me.

They weren't that accurate, but the photos were flattering.

I'm, like, totally infamous.

So if I say I'm going to lie on that bunk,

then that is what is going to happen.

Really? Well, I don't know how to say this either,

but in this cell, I'm kind of a big deal.

So why don't you do us all a favour

and get on the bunk that has been allocated to you as our guest!

What's all the racket here? Oh, my God.

Officer Timothy Debben. You must be...

Ich heisse Gertrude Wermers.

Good Moaning. Pleasure to meet you.

Do you speak English?

Manchester United?

That's adorable.

Well, Helen, I think you should do exactly what Gertrude wants.

We are her hosts, after all,

and I shall see you in the canteen for some lunch, maybe?

Do svidanya. For now.

Why didn't you speak to him in English?

In German prison, we have two rules.

With authority, keep your head down and your mouth shut.

With your girlfriend, keep your head down and your mouth open. Ha ha, joke.

Now, if you don't mind, I don't want to hear a squeak out of you

for the next hour. I need complete silence to rest.

Not a peep!

Bingo.

Can we have a bit of hush, please?

I'd like to introduce the new managing director of Entirely Tiles.

You might know her as the wife of our dead boss, Eric Bridges.

Please welcome Mrs Elaine Bridges.

Thank you all for coming to this meeting.

And thank you, Henry, for doing such a great job of stepping

into my late husband's still warm shoes, without permission.

Such initiative.

As you know, the events of the last few months

have shocked this company to the very core.

I've lost a husband, soulmate,

badminton, tango and Bikram yoga partner,

lover and sexual equal,

and you have all lost an extremely adequate boss.

So I have decided that in order to honour my late husband's name,

I am going to take on the mantle of this company.

But in order to start afresh, some things will have to change.

Firstly, I've put a block on all personal emails,

Facebook, Twitter, Bebo, Linkedln, Myspace, googling

Secondly, no staff discount.

You want tiles, you pay top dollar like everyone else.

And thirdly, I'm taking away the Nespresso machine.

This is a tiling firm, not a Starbucks.

From now on, it's this.

OK. I think that's sorted. Good morning.

Oh, and a little birdie has told me that some staff members have been

visiting my husband's murderer in prison,

so here's a new rule for you.

Anyone caught visiting or contacting Ms Stephens, in any way,

is fired.

I don't really visit her... You're fired.

I ate my husband's ball sack, and his meat wasn't as dry as this.

And he was 70 years old.

She'll have the carbonara.

Hi.

Get your nose out of my ass!

What is this, the Human Centipede or something?

Gertie, can I give you a piece of advice?

I was the new girl here myself until recently and,

I'm not saying I agree with everything that goes on in this place

but I found that in order to gain respect, you have to earn respect.

Am I right?

I don't have to respect these losers.

These women are mentally deficient.

Gertrude, you deep-fried your husband's feet.

You're not exactly the full brass band yourself.

That is where you are wrong.

I've been tested by the top psychologists in my country

and every single one has found me to be 100% sane.

I'm in complete control of my mental faculties and I won't have anyone

say anything to the contrary. Excuse me.

Cover your mouth when you eat, you are contaminating my food.

My God, you are disgusting.

What did you say? Who wants pudding?

You OK for pudding? You're OK for pudding.

Everyone's OK for pudding. We'll go and get some pudding.

Oh, look, it's Angel Delight. You're going to love this, Gertie.

It's a very famous British dessert.

It's so good, angels are delighted by it.

Right? What are you doing?? That's Top Dog's posse.

The last time someone stood up to Lennie,

she left a tooth embedded in their forehead.

It wasn't even Lennie's tooth to begin with.

You have a Top Dog? That is so quaint!

I actually heard that you had backward power structures in the UK,

but I thought my friends were joking.

Listen to me, if anyone lays a finger on you,

then I can kiss goodbye to my legal aid, OK?